The U.N. saves the world!
Scientists reported this week that on April 13, 2036, an asteroid has a
1 in 45,000 chance of hitting Earth. The good news: No Tax Day, 2036.
The bad news: An entire city or region could bite the dust.
"We need a set of general principles to deal with this issue," explains
former astronaut Rusty Schweickart. To that end, scientists are calling
on the United Nations to take action. The Association of Space
Engineers will present a plan to the UN in 2009 involving the
construction of a "Gravity Tractor," which would alter the course of
potentially threatening asteroids.
You can just imagine what the UN member states will have to say about this idea.
IRAN:
"Space is a decadent Western lie. It does not exist. Asteroids are no
more real than the Zionist Entity. It is possible, however, that the
12th imam is riding this so-called space rock. In that case, we can
only hope that he steers it into a large building in a major American
city."
CHINA:
"Such use of space simply escalates the global arms race. Who is to say
that America will not construct such a 'Gravity Tractor' in an attempt
to nullify our missile capabilities? Of course, we were never thinking
of using such missiles anyway, but it's the principle of the thing!"
VENEZUELA:
"This is a plot by the Bush administration to escape culpability for
America's part in the global warming crisis. Satan W. Bush is
deflecting attention from the fact that America is heating Earth up
like a giant microwave. Bush is hoping that the asteroid hits
Venezuela, ending the global warming crisis by blotting out the sun."
NORTH KOREA:
"Kim Jong Il is the Lode Star of the 21st Century, the Master of the
Computer Who Surprised the World, Power Incarnate with Endless
Creativity, Guardian Deity of the Planet. Fear not, Earthlings! Kim
Jong Il will save us yet. By the way, will saving Earth get Kim Jong Il
a headline? He'd really like one."
SAUDI ARABIA:
"This all stems from the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. We will be
proposing a seven-point plan designed to create a Palestinian state."
MEXICO: "All we ask is that the prospective inhabitants of this asteroid be allowed free emergency medical care in the United States."
FRANCE:
"There is nothing to worry about. When the asteroid shows up, we will
provide token resistance before allowing it to roll down the
Champs-Elysees. Wait, are you saying that this thing could hit the
Louvre?"
CUBA:
"This asteroid represents the impending victory of international
communism. The exploitation of the bourgeoisie has created an
underclass that will rise up in the aftermath of this glorious strike
against capitalist society."
RUSSIA: "Is there any way we can sell pieces of this rock? Anybody?"
SWITZERLAND:
"We will do everything in our power to prevent this asteroid from
hitting Earth. Unless that means doing something. In that case, we'd
prefer to stay out of it."
On
September 21, 1987, President Ronald Reagan spoke before the United
Nations. "Perhaps we need some outside, universal threat to make us
recognize this common bond," he said. "I occasionally think how quickly
our differences worldwide would vanish if we were facing an alien
threat from outside this world. And yet, I ask you, is not an alien
force already among us? What could be more alien to the universal
aspirations of our peoples than war and the threat of war?"
It
was a nice sentiment, but Reagan was mistaken. The UN would not be able
to get together over something as simple and universal as the threat of
an asteroid striking our planet. They would quarrel and babble; they
might send a slightly perturbed radio message to the asteroid. And, in
the end, the asteroid would nail us.
What
hope, then, for the UN actually coming together to mitigate the threat
of war by hemming in aggressive and hostile countries like Iran and
Syria? The probability that one of the two nations will foment major
acts of terrorism is far higher than 1 in 45,000. Yet the UN will do
nothing.
The
good news: We have 29 more years before we have to worry about the
asteroid. The bad news: We don't have anywhere near that kind of time
with our earthly foes.
Ben Shapiro, 22, is a graduate of
UCLA and a third-year student at Harvard Law School. He is also the
author of the recently published Porn Generation: How Social Liberalism
Is Corrupting Our Future as well as the national best seller
Brainwashed: How Universities Indoctrinate America's Youth. | 
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