So yesterday...bad
Today...bad.
You know I have come to a realization.
I spent a week Contemplating my intake and looking for my problem.
Thought I found out everything, set up all necessary percussions.
Wrong.
I realize that it isn't just me
That yes although I am the one who binges it isn't just me.
Its my family.
Well, my mother.
She tends to bring me down so much.
Not on purpose I think, I hope at least, but she does.
For example she recently lost some weight.
When with me she always talks about how mad she is she lost weight. How she liked being curvy. And saying this she knows how much I am unhappy with my body. She knows how fat I feel.
Anyway when with me she acts as though she hates her new thinner figure.
Yet when were in the presence of others she says things like..thank god I lose weight, being fat is just repulsive.
Yes word for word she says that.
And I feel so stupid and foolish for wanting to cry. But I cant help it. I want to cry.
But I don't cry. I eat.
And eat.
Then eat some more.
So I realize the solution to this problem is to persuade myself not to give a fuck.
Learn to ignore her comments.
They do me no good.
They only lead to binges.
I mean I was doing great. 3 days without a binge. And she makes a comment then boom I eat like crazy.
2 days straight.
Its so frustrating.
But starting tomorrow I will stay in my room more. Avoid everyone as much as possible till I can develop this skill. You know the not give a fuck skill.
And then hopefully I wont be so sensitive to other ppls comments.
Hopefully.
Well I hope all is well with you. I am srry if I am venting here but I'll probably start doing a lot more of that here.
Because you see now I realize that this unhealthy relationship I have with food has nothing to do with food at all.
Its everything else in my life that's screwed up.
I just take it out on food.
Well, I'll just have to find a new way to vent is all.
<3 | 
