hello everyone:)

sorry i havent updated in quite sometime....things have been extremely hectic in my life. Im now living with my boyfriend, and its been going really well.....Except for the fact that i have gotten beyond fat.....I was up to 125 pounds for a period of time in feb....now im down to 118 and struggling. Since im living with my bf there has been a dramatic decrease in purging. unfortionatly though, i havent decreased my binging. ughhh . Anyways! My plan is to be down to 108 by hopefully 2 weeks....I miss everyone and hope you all are coping alright. And I will be updated as often as possible.

Ashleyxoxoxo

Just got back from the dentist....I had never had a cavity in my life....and now I have 7....I had them all filled.....I didnt even have to tell the dental hygenist she could tell I suffered from this eating disorder.....ughh.....All my cavities were in places that really only occur from purging. Im so disgusting.

On a better note....I got a job....working at Jacob full time....it feels really good to be doing something....staying home all day everyday can get depressing...

Sorry If I havent been commenting....Ive been really lazy....but sometimes it gets tiring.....

 Im a horrible excuse for a human being....

Yesterday I did something that I will forever regret. Something I stood so strongly against for most of my life. Something that to me was not only immoral, but absolutly cruel and disgusting.

This is what I thought of girls who would choose to abort their babies were doing....but when put in the position to make that decision. I could not think of any possible way I could care for another child. I feel like I am a horrible mother....To choose to kill her child because the timing for it was inconvenient for her.

Nonetheless.....I decided this was as good a reason as any to take my own life last night. I downed a bottle of advil followed by frantic text messages from my mother who had known of what I did earlier in the day.....My suicide letter was ready two weeks in advance....knowing that my time was coming soon. My mom decided to make her way over....only to find me crying hysterically and my suicide note sitting beside me. She called an ambulance and I was rushed to the hospital and forced to drink dirty charcoal. I hate myself so much sometimes.

When I returned home from the hospital....kamrin was more excited than Ive ever seen him to see me. Thank you god for not listening to my stupid prayers.....he needs me so much.....My pain is secondary to my babies need for me. Maybe one day it wont be, but not today.

There IS light at the end of the tunnel.....

Ive come to realize that there IS hope for me....

I can no longer wollow in my self pity while my son is paying the ultimate price for my selfish behaviours.....

I will be attending a day program at Toronto general hospital....This time I actually believe that living may be better than surviving. That maybe, I might be worth a little more than I lead myself to believe all this time....If not for me, than kamrin definatly is.

Sometimes I wonder why God would create such a disaster.

Maybe it was some kind of joke? Maybe he was just bored one day and decided to create a gurl with the most horrible circumstances, family, and looks....and just look down and laugh at what a horrible mess she could make her life.

oh ya....And lets throw and innocent baby into all this mess too.....See how badely she could fuck up him along with her own self.

I guess those are all my "happy" thoughts for the day....

ashley