BeckiSu852's Xanga

What is home after all?

Sun, 17 Jun 2007 00:50:45 GMT

I wonder what its like to have a place that is not home feel so home, like my friend that I know who goes back to a summer camp every year. He says he drives down that road to camp, and feels like he has arrived back home. Home is comfortable, home is where you belong, and home is more than just a building to keep your crap. Being away from home for so long, I have begun to wonder what that even feels like.

I would like to say that Columbia is my home away from home, but even being here for a 5th year seems temporary. Like this is just a pit stop to somewhere bigger, somewhere better. I so desperately want to get out of here and take off for somewhere far away. My sabbatical was going to be for a year in the middle of college, then that didn't work and it got shoved to the end of college. Now I'm definitely not going far away to find myself, but I'm instead beginning some hellacious year teaching and going to school wondering if the next time I have a chance to realize what's happened I'll either be 35 with 8 kids running around my ankles or worse completely alone in a rocking chair surrounded by cats wondering where my convictions went and why I put what I really want off for so long. Isn't that so typical of our culture though? If we really followed the rule of "work first then play" no one would ever, ever do anything they wanted because there will inevitably ALWAYS be work to do. And if there isn't work, people like me will invent it because we see injustice, treachery, and ignorance all around us. So... maybe next year? Who knows, but until then Columbia is my temporary home, filled with temporary treasures that I pretend are important to me, and I must be around them often enough so other people know they're mine.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Mon, 28 Nov 2005 03:23:22 GMT

Becky...on the guy next to her in the computer lab with a cast on his arm trying to type:

So I'm sitting in the computer lab (how suprising) and reflecting on the past week at home, which was not very productive but absolutely brill. (English for "brilliant," or really good. I'm bringing it to the left side of the map I've decided.) And I have the official 8 pages I need to make this paper complete although it's not coherent or readable at all, but that's not what the syllabus says. Just kind glancing around, you know, checking out other people, and this guy, about 3 comps down from me; hand completely broken. Poor guy. Typing with a cast. I am holding back laughter: you know when your cheecks get all puffy with laugh inside there and you try to fake it out as a cough... Maybe I should go ask him if he wants help. He could dictate to me. Oh man, then what if it was a ransom note? Or like some racey love novel he's writing... oh sick. Maybe I won't ask him and just watch him with is elbow crazy up in the air and him trying to punch out letters on the keyboard. Haha, that has to suck so bad. Ok, back to work.

Thanksgiving was awesome. I won a bobble-head chicken in Bunko- that has to mean something, right? Got to see the best friends who are so re-juvenating, sleep in my big-girl bed, and play with my puppy. Thankful for all the above. And you for reading my pathetic entries.

Saturday, November 19, 2005

Sat, 19 Nov 2005 20:07:28 GMT

Becky... on being home:

I truly honestly believe that the air in KCMO the air is clearer and time moves slower. I drive across that invisible border between 573 and 816 area codes and my sinuses clear, I can think easier, and I can get a whole lot more done in the course of a day. It's a small miracle I believe. Sweet, sweet Blue Springs where beds are bigger, showers do not require shoes, bedrooms are for only one person, washing machines do not require 3 quarters, an average nights sleep falls between 9 and 11 hours, and all food is homemade by Mom. It is heavenly to be home. Nostalgic, and sometimes awakening, but I am determined to make myself have a much needed break, play a little catch-up with homework, family, and friends, and finish Harry Potter 6.

Thursday, November 03, 2005

Thu, 03 Nov 2005 03:41:30 GMT

i am an even bigger douchebag than todd...

but EVERYONE already knew that

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Tue, 18 Oct 2005 03:43:48 GMT

Becky...on tailgating:

A recent friend asked me to explain, and my response was of such great detailed accuracy I'll just use that to explain it:. A great American, and even more so in Kansas City, tradition. ESPN and Sports Illustrated have both referred to Kansas City football tailgating as the best in the country. It's so awesome. It's like pre-partying, but so much more. I'll explain it in KC terms: about 7 hours before the game you get your big RV or fat extended cab truck complete with huge ass tent, grill, flag, lawn chairs, games, sports equipment, blankets, portapotty, obscene amounts of alcohol, football, ridiculous amounts of food including burgers, hot dogs brautworsts, chips, pasta salad, potato salad, brownies, cookies, lemonade, casseroles, fruit salad, and anything chocolate, and go and set up camp about a 4 foot radius around your vehicle, invite everyone you freaking know to come and party like rockstars. You drink yourself into oblivion so you don't have to buy the expensive shit inside the gates and have a grand old time decked out complete in KC Chiefs red and gold from everything like the koozie in your hand to the sweatshirt on your back to the fleece blanket around your shoulders because it's friggin 50 degrees outside. If you get too drunk to make it into the game, so what, its just a $130 ticket wasted. And if you get into the game about 2 mintues before it's over, thats ok too as long as you are freakin drunk. You might just pack it all up and chuck it all back in the car before stumbling into the game to scream obscenities for 2 hours, and if you're still standing at half time you go back out to your car and get it all back out to chow down again and chug as much as you can before the second half. This tradition spans for about a 200 yard radius around the entire football field outside the stadium on the biggest blasted parking lot you've ever seen in your life. It's basically a party about the size of a city block. And thats tailgating: absolutely amazing.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

Sat, 08 Oct 2005 02:07:00 GMT

Becky... on low points:

Everyone has them. I mean there have been things in the past that I am definitely not proud of. But we don't need to get into them- another talk show. But just knowing they exist is worth noting. But right now, at this very instant, I think I have made a new lower than low. It's Friday night, 8:58pm exactly. Acceptable places to be at this time: at home watching a movie, at home getting ready to go out, out to eat, with friends, at a friends house, drinking heavily, and with a stretch I would even accept something like babysitting or sleeping. I am terribly ashamed to say I am not doing any of these above acceptable things. Through a range of unchartered events, I have landed myself in the computer lab of a friends dorm from last year alone, with just one other person: an Asian, both of us doing homework. Just me working on my cross-cat test review with Sarah Maclachlan keeping me company on my iPod, him working on his... ::leans back as if to stretch and looks at screen:: ...Chinese or Korean or something of that nature. Heck, Arabic. I have no idea. Man, his family probably invented this iPod. Or maybe they invented this computer. Or maybe they just put it together. They definitely made this cell phone. Off track... The point is I am here. In a dorm I don't live in. With this Asian. Who's probably a freshman. Doing homework. On a Friday night. Feel free to cut ties/association at any point. I will understand.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Thu, 06 Oct 2005 21:07:24 GMT

Becky...on stupid people:

A friend once told me, not so long ago, that as we are getting older things were starting to change. He put it like this: "I don't think I'm better than anyone now, I just don't tolerate ignorance any longer." The ridiculousness and obsurdity of people surrounding me at times literally takes my breath away. It's like they actually walk around with large question marks hovering above their heads and thought bubbles that say "Huh?" They just don't get it. It's amazing to me, and I have determined that there is no other justifiable explanation for them not being dead in a gutter somewhere at this point for any other reason than pure luck. Just absolutely baffling. I talk to some of these people, and as I can feel understanding drift in and out of their cobwebbed, hollow heads, all I can think to myself is, "How in the hell did you make it this far?" I honestly believe in the core soul of me that I would rather attempt to hold a conversation with a pile of boiled cabbage rather than the fools I am reluctantly forced to converse with on a daily basis. At least it wouldn't give me that confused, utterly confounded expression so many of these people have plastered to their faces any time they are not sleeping. Why God, why me? Patience is truly a virtue.

Thursday, September 29, 2005

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 20:53:05 GMT

Becky...on being 21:

So I'm 21. This is a big deal, and a milestone in my life, so I'm told. I was supposed to live it up and drink a ton and get wasted out of my mind, legally for the first time. And whereas I am a good listener and love to be accepted by my friends, I am also a big pansy and control freak and not nearly as adventurous as my good friend Indiana, I decided to take things in a more milder form. A Chiefs football game, a few drinks, a few close friends, and then go home after a long day of work and class. Sounded like a good idea. There were many more to come that night.

Somewhere around 7:00 a party on the facebook sounded like a good idea.

Somewhere around 7:30 buying alcohol for the first time and being taped while doing so sounded like a good idea.

Somewhere around 8:00 pouring some vodka in a Sonic slush sounded like a good idea.

Somewhere around 8:15 pouring some rum in a Sonic slush sounded like a really bad idea. I started to taste cough syrup in my drink which I was told was the "alcohol Becky- you dumbass." Needless to say, I gave it away and opted for my traditional ice water. Wow, I thought. Drinking wasn't too bad, what a great birthday. Glad I got that drinking thing over with. My friends did not agree that I had had enough. Peer pressure ensued.

Somewhere around 8:30 shots sounded like a good idea, or I convinced myself they sounded a good idea.

Somewhere around 9:30 sitting down sounded like a good idea. The room was a little spinny. We don't want to go stumbling around now do we?

Somewhere around 10:00, 3 shots later, the bathroom sounded like a good idea.

And at 10:10, and again at 10:20, and at 10:30...wow why did I have to go the bathroom so much? This was wierd.

Somewhere around 11:00 calling my best friends, several times, sounded like a good idea.

Somwhere around 11:30 just sitting and being quiet and trying to get the room from spinning sounded like a good idea.

Somewhere around 12:00, 5 shots later, Scene-It sounded like a good idea.

Somewhere around 1:00 bed sounded like a good idea.

Somewhere around 6:15 the next morning, work sounded like a horrible idea.

From this experience, I have come to several conclusions: Firstly, that drinking is hard work. This whole going to the bathroom every 10 minutes, room spinning, reading slower, dizziness, feel like you just got off the Finishing Fling thing just is hard to maintain. And I was just sitting on a couch. I could not imagine all of this in the midst of people and music and boys and dancing and partying all the while trying to maintain appearance and composure. Impossible if you ask me. Secondly, drinking is not really worth it. But maybe I'm just not a drinker. The empy calories, the dehydration, the weakness the next morning, the tiredness, it just takes a lot out of you. My body is definitely not built to drink. Thirdly, I do not like the room spinning for consecutive hours. Fourthly, I'm glad I did it, it was fun, I was legal, it was a fabulous celebration and I am debt to my friends forever for it, but I'm taking some time off. Drinking is just not my thing. Fifthly, I have amazing friends. They took care of me, didn't push me, laughed at me, and made my birthday one of the best yet. All the posters, all the people, all the presents, all the packages. Thank you from the bottom of my heart. And as a return gift, I will let you be the ones to get your drink on next time.

Saturday, September 24, 2005

Sat, 24 Sep 2005 17:25:44 GMT

Becky... on Fall Party last night:

A really good time and one of my favorite events of the year. It ushers in autumn, with the crisp smell of fall leaves and hay, the sound of rustling hay and drunken partiers and sneezing allergies, and feels like sticky flaming mallows and cheap beer. Ahhh, the beauties of college in the fall. My favorite part of the night: when Tex (who will do anything I say) ran up to everyone leaving on the hay ride and started yelling "I say Hay, you say Ride!" And they actually did it.

Tex: Hay!

Drunken Partiers: Ride!

Tex: Hay!

DP: Ride!

Cheers all around. Tears streaming down my face and I look at my roommate, and mouth, "Where the hell are we? Who IS this kid?" Wow, that was a classic that will not soon be forgotten.

Friday, September 23, 2005

Fri, 23 Sep 2005 05:22:04 GMT

Becky...on the iPod Nano:

What is this like Mork and Mindy Meets Technology? I don't get it. And does it come laundry machine proof? Because you know some loser is gonna throw it in there, jeans and all, and never see it's skinny little ass again. I mean what was really so bad about the iPod mini? What did it ever do to anyone? It was just so small, so innocent, it couldn't fight back or stick up for itself. So it got unrighteously squeezed out, just like the Tomagotchi and Duck Hunt. I don't want my prized possession to become retro and completely unacceptable in Generation X. I don't want to carry around a Zach Morris iPod. I don't want to have to hate my iPod- it took me too long to find a green one to go with the brand Apple. Cursed Technology!