| life has changed. plain and simple but yet crazy and tangled. from silly sophomore to almost on the top junior. sitting and waiting for my parents to take me somewhere...to my new parking spot.some many things have gone my way, and looking back its all happened in what .....9 months. lol 9 months .... the same time it would take me to have a baby, which will never happen because i really dont want to have kids. some of those changes have been great incrediable changes - from just some spoon to the right, to Dixie mandrell radio tbs talkshow host yellin " behold" everyother line, from being an audience member to just being casted in "barefoot in the park". wow thats so exciting . all these goals being accomplished and setting me even more on my way to what i want to be. what i want to be. what i need to be. have this urge to be, like nothing i ever had the urge to have before. and yet lookng to the furture.... what is a highschool show or shows going to do- yes they will have been remarkable experiecnes with some of the greates ppl i will ever meet but in the end will i have what it takes to succeed, to go the distance. i really dont know and that really scares me. future in general scares me , failing and losing my loved ones , it all scares me. where will i go - what will i do? as a junior this is one change thats not so great- decisions. lots of decisions that are crazy, difficult, or stupid. like ... which class to take, where to apply to college, and one of the hardest....who do i want to be and who am i? i look at what i wanted to be last year and i have met that goal, im on stage and love my drama friends but im very distant to alot of people i use to be close to which in some ways are and arent my fault. my drama kids - like me are crazy, some crayzier than others, and thats exactly what i love about htem. we may be different , and i think thats one thing that pushes some of my old friends away from me , but to let the "olds" kno the truth...your not perfect and being different isnt bad, alot of the "olds" seem to think the only people who are good/ right .. are them. i do miss ya'll i promise , but i miss who we alll use to be - highschool was change and realization. we say we want to be close again but the truth is in less then two years we will be out to college or whatever we choice to do..never to talk to each other again. and even people who are super close friends we might not ever stay intouch with. i can already feel the distance..... my new york buddy- we have like two classes together and we arent half as close as last year, leanne- my sister, cousin, nieghbor, best friend, we use to see each other everyday now we barely talk. i saw you yesterday and met your bf for the first time in 7 months...what???? i hate growing apart.but along with this growing aparty theres been room for the new. like my longest relationship hes sweet , smart, and cute. im lucky. im lucky to have my family, i love my grandparents, lucky my grandmother is doing so good and im soo glad my family got together for thanksgiving. even with this luckyness.... i still miss. miss ma, soo much. losing someone never hurt so much and long. i miss the past, middle school, friends , 4 year crushes lol, teachers. and then one "miss" that i feel soo silly for ... i miss the summer or even yet those two months before summer last year. who and what that time period was. the codenames with suzy summerize it ... you think the long huge time periods you go without seeing something or talking to someone you start to lose the memories, but with this, it doesnt go away or fade. i begin to wonder what would have happened if i had made things go differently. maybe this wouldnt seem soo wierd or hard for me to understand in just the recent past 3 months if you still talked.. if you still talked to any of us. i dont want to say anything now or know how i would say anything, and without saying anything ... i will never kno what you would have said. even though without me saying anything, im pretty sure you already knew. thats just how you are. another way that makes up you. but by observing what ive seen now ...well now , now i hope who you were over the summer is not changing even though i feel it already has, you went through alot i think in the last few months, i only wish ... with how much we talked and shared thoughts over the summer that i could have helped you the way you helped me.you made summer so much fun. you'll never prob know this now but im different because of you. you taught me that i want to be myself and i really dont care anymore what people think of me- and knowing that makes me a little more happy about myself. so as i reach more and more of what i wanted to achieve ... my goal for this year is too be who and what i want to be. and no matter how far i go and who i'm with , or how i do it ... i am still me. plain and simple,but yet crazy and tangled. |
