Things are getting in order for the Fringe Festival production of 10.10.Post.9.11.  Adam found out today that we'll be performing at the U of M which is an awesome venue because other shows are performing on the campus, too.  This means that crowds for the shows are sort of shared.  Once one show gets out, the crowd can go to another show conveniently located right there, in the same area.  Some of the venues are pretty secluded and have no other venues near them.  We were lucky to get this one.  It's a big space, too.  Good place for a really big audience, great for this show with lots of spectacle.  Auditions are getting nearer, but there are still some spots open, so we have room to see a few more actors.  I'm glad to be going right out of one show straight into the next.  I wish it were this way all the time. 

Yeah, so I was cast in the play Laura is directing.  Once again, it's based on the Book of Esther.  I'm playing Esther.  Adam got the role of Mordecai.  We start rehearsals on February 10th.  I'm excited.  I've been working a lot lately.  I am so tired.  I don't mean just tired.  I mean exhausted.  I wake up.  I go to work.  I go home.  I sleep a little while.  I get up and I go back to work. 

Chronic fatigue/fibromyalgia doesn't help.  I've noticed it getting much, much worse over time.  It has not yet lessened as I was told that it might when I was diagnosed at age 15.  I remember my ex... (ex-boyfriend/ex-best friend) used to give me a lot of crap about my low energy and the fact that I was always weak and tired and sick.  He said I was never any "fun" and that I seemed to always be "down".  I understand that he didn't understand the severity of the fairly rare condition in the least.  But over the years, (I've noticed it worsen from month to month recently) it's worsened.  I am sick with some new infection of something or other nearly every couple of weeks.  My muscles hurt and ache.  My back kills me (not just sometimes, but ALL the time).  I have chronic headaches ranging from obnoxious tension headaches to full blown migraines in which I have to lay in the dark and silence and sleep them off, typically dedicating the entire day to feeling better.  I try not to cry, but sometimes, it feels that it's the only thing to do.  If nothing else, it's at least an emotional purging that gives a little relief.  Sleep does not help.  I can sleep a little or a lot, but no matter what, I wake up exhausted.  There is never enough sleep.   Exercise is exhausting.  It does not invigorate; it wears me down, but I still go to the gym to try to be in some form of physical fitness. 

I try so hard not to complain.  I try not to show my pain or how tired I feel ALL the time.  I try because I know that no one else around me realizes what it is like and it would seem overly dramatic to show how it really does feel... basically, I feel as though I have the flu in some form of severity all of the time, especially the part where you feel too weak to lift your limbs and your joints ache and burn.  I think Adam has recently started to understand, especially since my back has been getting worse and my sleeping patterns are getting ridiculous.  He's very supportive, though I still try not to let it control my mood or my activities.  I take vitamins and eat tons of fruits and vegetables and plenty of protein and carbs, not to mention lots of calcium.  Nothing helps.  I don't know if it's any external factors like the newly EXTRA-cold climate or the exposure to public transportation that's making it worse, but I've noticed a severe decline in my health in the past few months.  Meh.  I know there are much worse things that people go through.  I just have to take a deep breath and go forward.  It's not like I'm in a concentration camp or anything.

It's 19 degrees outside which I found myself feeling comfortable in after the single digit weather in Minnesota.  I wish I had more time to enjoy just living than my job allows.  I cannot, no matter how much I try, be completely alive when working.  Purely catty, gossiping, corporate, money hungry company; that's what it is.  Glamour Shots... what a joke.  I was sincerely happy to get this job doing hair and makeup, but the fact that my job is consistently threatened if my sales average doesn't meet a corporate standard, the fact that my coworkers are more often than not in a bitchy mood, the fact that my boss promised a schedule that could work with my theatrical life but then tells me that "there are plenty of people who my position could be given to" if I don't work the short notice days and times she asks of me, and the fact that there is no room for creative freedom of any sort in this photo place all make me look forward to finding another job.  I don't think I let it affect me outside of work, but the thing is that I work quite a hefty majority of my time these days, so it's on my mind quite often. 

I went on an interview last night for a directing project I'd love to do.  All women directed scenes of fairytales retold form a woman's perspective.  I find out this coming week whether or not I got one of the eight spots offered... out of about sixty director candidates.  I know the chances aren't great, but I'm keeping my fingers crossed.  I also always have my eyes peeled for any and every audition I can go on.

I can't wait 'til X-mas day to see Sweeny fucking Todd!  I'm so excited for that day specifically for that reason... that and to give gifts.  I love giving people gifts.  Getting them is fun, too, but I always put a lot into getting things for people.  It's almost a creative project for me... like a show and the unwrapping is the actual performance. 

For New Year's, Adam and I are invited to some new friend's place to hang out with some fellow Minnesota theatre folk.  The party is, to be specific, at the home of my director (of the first show I've acted in here) and his fiance/fellow theatre company founder.  That's about it.  I miss all of my long-distance friends like crazy.  Happy Holidays and don't drink and drive.