3 years later...

A christian girl knocked on my front door to try and convert me.  I looked at her and thought... hmm she's sexy for god squad!  She asked me for my number so I thought I was in there.  So I went along to her church meeting to try and score with her, but ended up telling everyone that I had found my way as a born again Christian, (so that she would like me).

This is probably in my top 5 stupid things that I have ever done.

Now all the people at church have my number and think that I am now one of them.  This girl doesn't even go to my local church and has pissed off back to her church.  I'm in so deep now that I have no idea how to get out without really upsetting these people, who are genuinely nice I think.

I'm going to hell.  Pesky christians lured me in with a hot chick and how was I supposed to know about this no sex before marriage nonsense.  Apparently getting drunk is frowned upon too.  Not for me!

Damn I need a drink and a shag.

My friend Ali in Argentina did lots of drugs and paralysed himself temporarily.  He then fell asleep in a park and a tramp stole his shoes.

I sold my mini and bought a van which I have since decorated in a Ghostbusters theme.

My boss told me that I dress too smartly for work and I am now banned from wearing a suit or looking more important than the managing director.  WTF

I am studying to be a plumber.

My life sucks and I'm still single.

My bestest friend is in Argentina.  I am worried about his safety as he spends all his time there getting drunk and doing drugs.  He sent me this email:

we were on our way to a club and the pic on drivers ID was not the same person as the driver, the driver couldnt speak spanish and didnt know where the club was. i told him to pull over so my friend can throw up. we all got out and i told them to run away. then i gave the guy 2 pesos and said thanks. i told him that the pic wasnt him and he reached into his glove box and pulled out a gun. i ran and he drove off and abused me. all thats all i guess. bye bye

I went out and got drunk on Saturday night and left my car next to Wimbledon Common.  When I returned to pick up my car the next day I found that it was no longer parked where I had left it, but instead some drunk guys had obviously picked it up and put it on the common.

Yes, they had actually picked the car up in their hands and put it in the grass next to the lake.  It was funny at first, until I realised that some fucker had called the ass munch council and the fucking fuckers sent some dildo licker mofo to give me a £40 parking ticket.

I called the police and they didn't answer for 20 mins so I hung up.  I called the police again later and they told me that no crime had been comitted as there was no damage to my car.  I told them that a £40 ticket is damage to my wallet either way and they said, "Are you sure you didn't park your car there?!".  I really wanted to fucking kill that fucking pig.  Well, I've got better things to do to than to bend over and take one from the system and old people who make complaints to the council about cars parked in fields.  Fucking shit licking gerbil arse fisters.  Unfortunately, there seems to be fuck all I can do about it.

My car is jinxed.  It has broken down like clockwork every month for the past few years.  The petrol cap broke last week.  The windscreen wipers fell off the week before.  Slow puncture the week before that.  Little things, but very annoying... a bit like Hanson.