I went out and got drunk on Saturday night and left my car next to Wimbledon Common.  When I returned to pick up my car the next day I found that it was no longer parked where I had left it, but instead some drunk guys had obviously picked it up and put it on the common.

Yes, they had actually picked the car up in their hands and put it in the grass next to the lake.  It was funny at first, until I realised that some fucker had called the ass munch council and the fucking fuckers sent some dildo licker mofo to give me a £40 parking ticket.

I called the police and they didn't answer for 20 mins so I hung up.  I called the police again later and they told me that no crime had been comitted as there was no damage to my car.  I told them that a £40 ticket is damage to my wallet either way and they said, "Are you sure you didn't park your car there?!".  I really wanted to fucking kill that fucking pig.  Well, I've got better things to do to than to bend over and take one from the system and old people who make complaints to the council about cars parked in fields.  Fucking shit licking gerbil arse fisters.  Unfortunately, there seems to be fuck all I can do about it.

My car is jinxed.  It has broken down like clockwork every month for the past few years.  The petrol cap broke last week.  The windscreen wipers fell off the week before.  Slow puncture the week before that.  Little things, but very annoying... a bit like Hanson.