| so so so so so sadi love him
i need him
i want him
i try my hardest
so why doesnt he want me back?
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| i dont know if i can do this for forever.i love him
but he hurts me
on purpose
he knows he does
he knows how to tear me down
he knows ill listen
he knows i wont stand up for myself
and if i do
he knows how to just keep hurting me
and i get sick of it
i know i shouldnt put up with it
and i hate that i care
and that i lovehim
i hate him
i love him
i hate me
for hurting myself over and over
what is wrong with me
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| Im Getting Marriedto benjamin john sadleir i love that boy |
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| im about to get extrmely depressedi can feel it.
i want to go home.
im starting to feel doubts.
i know he wont leave me.
i know he cares about me.
and iknow i have to be abettr friend to her.
hes right.
shes right.
i need to share the time between the both of them.
and i shoudlnt get jealosu that he didnt call when he said he would
and that hes with his freinds right now.
and for all i know, he did call.
i broke my phone.
im homeless.
i cant gt money til monday.
i feel sick.
im dizzy.
i want to like just die.
memories are spilling into all my pores.
not happy ones.
very unhappy ones.
i want to go to sleep.
for the rest of the day.
all day.
til monday.
til i get my money.
and hopefully a house.
i want to just dissapear.
i want to not feel lonley.
i cant open up.
to anybody.
fully.
ever.
i need to go somewhere.
or do something.
somebody to distract me from myself.
ill let him hang out with his freinds.
i wont show up.
i wont be a bother.
honestly, im not even sure im in a mood to be kissed.
and to giggle.
and feel specail.
right now id just rather wallow in self doubt
and self pity.
i need somebody to cry to.
but i dont want to bother him.
or her.
or anybody.
its okay.
hopefully sleep will heal this.
i dont want him to be decieved by something.
but i dont know how to just tell him.
i dont know how hed react.
i dont know what id do
if he left me
or anything.
i dont want to push him away.
i want someting that will just knock me out.
for hours.
if not a day.
i hate this.
im not happy right now.
why the hell not.
i want to go home.
cry to my kitty.
i dont have my babyy kitty here right now.
i miss her sooo much.
so much.
why didnt he love me.
why did he use me.
why did he call me and cause himself to be back in m life.
why did he lead me on.
why did he keep it up, when i asked him several times to stop.
why will i never be truely loved.
something bad is gna happen.
it always does.
and i dont want to loose him.
not if my life depended on it.
and im cold.
freezing.
i should go do something.
i wish i had money.
i wish i had a place to live.
i wish i was in california.
in my bed.
with my cat.
with my tv on.
watching drake and josh.
getting texts.
i wish i died a month ago when i was uppsoed to.
stupid doctor, stopping it.
aishfiuwheifgueigfiuegwfauiegawwgiuea
i wish he was alive.
i wish he was there last night.
they deserve it so much.
he deserves it.
im going to bed.
goodnight. |
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| In Lovei never believed in love at first sight
until noooowwww :]
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