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| so i haven't done this in a long time... soo life is hard... pretty much go to bed pretty upset almost everynight... nothing seems to be right anymore... i've been trying my best to get through the whole mourning process but i think i;ve been puttin it off too much... i got a text from my cousin saying her little boy (my second cousin) Reese always yells when they drive by my mom's house and it's on the way from there house to my grandma's so it happens alot... and he doesn't understand what happened but he understands it's hard to talk bout... i love him soo much and i wanna be there to support him but it's just sooo hard to be in KC sometimes... memories just rush in and out... christmas break was soo hard... went home and stayed with my grandparent's cause i dont have a real residence there... and there are soo many pictures of my mom around and it was soooo hard to keep my mind off of it... i'll admit i cryed once... it sucked... she grew up there and i just get so emotional there... and not too mention when i left my grandpa and i got in a fight in a misunderstanding... and he's too stubborn to admit he was wrong... and i'm too stubborn to call him first and it's just dumb... so i havent spoke to him and i really need to... and everyone wants to know why i don't call my family soo much is cause i never had to i always saw my grandparents and now my grandma doesnt remember me calling at all... and she always tell me she wants me to drop out and take care of them and it drives me nuts cause i couldn't live in that house... my aunt's never called me niether did my sister and now they do all the time to check on me... and it's kind of annoying... i mean that was my mom's job and i don't want someone else to do it... and there is no way to avoid her i see something or hear something everyday that reminds me of her... and i feel like i'm almost lost in this world... it seems like i'm only good friends with one person from KC... i mean i try to call one of my best buds on his birthday and he doesn't ever call me back... and i havent spoke with him since break and it pisses me off... i'm sooo strung up with emotions and i got one person to talk to about it but he's got all his own problems... i'm like lost in this world... all my friendd ships seem to be disolving and new ones almost impossible to make... people are changing and so am i... i feel like i'm coming off as crazy sometimes and i hate it... cause its not me this is just one of the hardest things i have to go through... i mean my mom died like 4 days before i left for school... god life is hard... i really don't know what to do... i'm so tempted to just save up money and disappear for a year or two just go live far away on my own not talking to anyone... but i can't cause my family needs me... gosh i just want my old life back... and her back...
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| R.I.P. Mary Mercedes Westall 1954-2006... I love you with all my heart u were the best mother ever and it hurts to see you gone so soon... i pray to god your in a better place and ur legs dont hurt you any more...
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| So yeah life is great... I'm seriously really happy with life finally... i've been living with my grandparents and taking care of them its stressful but they make me happy... I dont have a car but i dont care... Went down to emporia for greek reunion it was insane to say the least... bob and i went crazy in his room and destroyed everything LoL... i've got a job that is paying 9 bucks an hour to drive for 3-4 hours a day... its great... this weekend we work the royals game for the fraternity and afterwards is garunteed to be insane... and i move to emporia in about two weeks and its gonna be the best time of my life till school starts...
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| wow havent done this in awhile... so i figured i would... life is pretty weird right now to say the least... some shit got messed up wtih my financial aid with emporia so there is a slim chance i might not be able to go back... but i really want to and i'm gonna turn my life around no more not having a job and spending every dime on useless items... i dont have a car anymore it sucks alot my mom kicked me out kinda... so i'm living with my grandparents... and one of my best buddies got married over the weekend... so yeah weird life... i've decided what i'm gonna do when i grow up... pro poker player... its gonna be hard but i'm seriously gonna try... i've been reading books and playing online or on my PS2 everyday... i dont have a car so it's really hard to play in real tourneys... but i was when i had one and i wasnt doing too bad... the wedding made me broke though... i had to pay 120 for a tux and that was like alllllll of my money so i'm gonna help my grandma out around the house and also work on my aunt's car... it will be a little bit of cash... i'm just in a weird mood this summer jus hasnt been the same... i'm in debt for the first time in my life and it sucks... i should be out of it by the time school starts unless i dont get my financial aid then i have to take out a huge ass loan... i jus really wish i had a wealthy family sometimes... the wedding this weekend was crazy... Matt and Leah Valentine... wow that is crazy to say... i've known matt for 15 years and i love leah she is the sweetest girl ever... i'm so happy for the both of them... i got to be the 1st groomsmen but not the best man
but i did get to walk matt's mom to her seat which was a real honor... jus being a groomsman was... my whole friend situation kinda sucks right now... i dont really have any one to hang out with... alright well i'm gonna finish some poker nad go off to bed... call me if u wanna do something peace bitches.
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| So life sucks and is totally awesome at the same time... only thing right now bumming me is finals and missing my family... totally great thing happened yesterday i went home to get fitted for our suits or tuxs or what ever for matt's wedding and keenyn him and i jus hung out all day... jus reminded me of old times... then when matt went back to this place me and keenyn went to chipotle and got a buritto and they gave us something to fill out and we get a free one monday through friday.... super pumped... then i got back and hung out with my emporia boys.. .lots of fun... zach is the worst one handed drunk pool player... cracked my shit up... so i'm never gonna go out with a girl... jus the law of my life... there is one girl i would probably go out with but not right now... i jus wanna be a single fun loving guy... lets end with a final note to derek... good luck with the bullshit and ur still a fuckin fag....
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