| my non-existant life seems to be having problemsI don't know who reads anyone's Xanga anymore. I think they all moved to MySpace... which, I supppose, is fine. I won't have to worry about anyone making fun of what I say, or how I say it, when and if they comment me. I am alone. Terribly alone. Sure, I have friends, sure, I still live at home and have my family. But, I'll be 19 in a week and never had a boyfriend. Some people might say, "You have you're whole life ahead of you. Have fun, and enjoy being single." Those are from people who have had a relationship before. Who know the difference. I'm not one of those people. I've never been close to any guy before. Sure, I've been kissed, made out with a guy, but it didn't lead anywhere. He didn't want me, so whatever, I suppose. I moved on, like I should. I'm still not sure if I regret anything from that. I'm not sure if you're supposed to regret anything, or if u just accept it and learn from it. I don't know, no one has taught me anything on this subject. I know what I want, and who I want. I do know that. And I know it will all come in God's time. I have a feeling of who I want to be with will work out. I know it will... in God's time. But, quite frankly, and no offence to God, I'm tired of waiting. It sounds horrible, makes it sound like I'm selfish and impatient. Who knows, maybe I am. But think about it, I was allowed to date at the age of 16. I'm not 19. I know who I wanted at 16. I've been waiting 3 years, and nothing has happened. I've never even been asked out. Pretty sad, huh? Maybe I did something that caused the delay. Maybe the guy did. Who knows, only God does. I secretly (well, it wont be a secret now that I'm writing it, will it be?) want to have my own family in my early 20's. I want to be a young mother. I want kids, I want to be a wife. That's all. I know I'll be a faithful wife. I would NEVER consider being with another man, other than my husband. I would be a loving mother, a stern mother, and a mother who cares. That is all I want to be in life. Why is that so hard to come by? I hate college. It's so easy, and I still don't know what I want to declare my major as. I'm telling people I'm training for Graphic Design, but I honestly don't know if I want to do that. Ever since I was a little girl, I've only wanted to be a mother. The guy I want seems like a perfect match, from what I know about him anyway. He wants to get married, and he wants to have a family. I heard he wants 4 children as well. Perfect, so do i. He's tall, dark, and handsome. Honestly, he is. Hes taller than me, hes half Italian, half Portuguese, making him have a little darker skin, dark hair and eyes. And he has the handsome part almost to perfection. He is sweet, caring, and loves his mother still. For goodness sakes, he's 22 and still shows his affection for his mother in public by hugging her. I seriously havent came across another 22 year old who would hug their mother in front of hundreds of people. To me, that shows he's not affraid to show his emotion. What the icing on the cake is though, is that he's not from Guernsey County. If I'm to be with him, I could FINALLY get out of this horrific county, where if your daddy didn't go to the same high school as the other daddies, then you will be singled out and wont get playing time on the sports field or in the classroom. However, a downfall: He most likely forgets about me after I leave from seeing him. I'm nothing special, so I don't know why he would remember me. I'm just some plain old farm girl from Ohio. He is SO much more than that. I wouldn't fit into his social status. He's from money, I'm not. He's from city life, I'm not. He doens't know how i feel. He most likely thinks of me as just one of the other girls who come and see him. (If you're close to me at all, you obviously know who I'm talking about by now.) Just another fan. But I'm not. I see him as a regular person. I don't freak out, I'm calm and I make jokes with him. When I talk to him, I look him in the eye, something i have trouble with normally. I can easily talk to him, again, something i usually have trouble with. I'm my happiest when he's near, or when I know the time has come for me to see him again. Right when I see him, and right after, I know everything will work out. Then a few weeks go by and those feelings fade. Instead, the feelings of uncertainty float in and wipe away my confidence of there being a hint of a chance. I'm faced with doubts of my feelings, my thoughts, and even how I perceived things the night I saw him. So maybe now you see why I'm quiet most of the time you see me in public, or why I seem distant. I can't help it. My thoughts comsume my brain, making it almost impossible for me to concentrate on the task at hand. So far, it hasn't gotten me into any kind of trouble, but who knows, maybe one day it will. Maybe one day everything will work out. I'll have the man of my dreams (litterally), we'll start our family, and everything will be just fine... Maybe. |
^^
