Hey,

fasting today...so far its 4:45pm...night time is the hardest for me. I have everyone watching me. im living with my parents while our new house is being built. They obviously know about my previous battle with anorexia, so i have to be really careful around them.  They cant do anything this time tho, because im not under age. im so fat that they wouldnt suspect a thing anyway. I hid it really well last time...it was only when i started to look sick that  they had their suspicions. my husband knows about my previous battle. But he didnt know me then, so he doesnt know how twisted things get. anyway, im not in that headspace this time.  im just dieting this time. so far i have gone 1 week i think, with only 400 cals max. a day. With one day exeption.

does anyone even read this lol?

for all of you out there who are suffering from bulimia check this site out http://www.xanga.com/The_Lighter_Darkness

BE WARNED THO, IT IS QUIET GRAFFIC AND SAD

i feel bad writing this now, after reading that.

Lost .8 kg (1.7 lbs) which brings my weight loss since having baby 6 weeks ago to 12.7kg (27.9lbs)

BUT in saying that, i lost the first 10 kg (22lbs) 2 weeks after birth, so it doesnt really count, as it was just fluid,baby,blood,placenta etc.

So in the past 2 weeks i have lost 2.5 kgs ( 5.5 lbs)

FOOD INTAKE TODAY ( as of 12:30 pm)

1 biscut ( due to caving in i didnt eat my usual crunchy cluster cereal)

Both mine and my husbands bdays are coming up in June, so i have decided im going to buy him a ticket on this thrill seeker speed boat ride...it sounds awsome...

This is an adrenalin pumping high-speed power boat thrill ride taking in views of some of Freo's sparkling beaches and landmarks surrounded by the magnificent Indian Ocean. You will be taken effortlessly to speeds of around 75kph. Swell and wake surfing are our specialities.

Prior to your jet boat experience a comprehensive safety demo is carried out on the way to the effervescent Indian Ocean, then it's crank up the music, pedal to the metal, sit back and feel the power of 850 horses of pure grunt from our Yanmar inter-cooled, turbo-charged monsters and Hamilton jets! You will be taken to speeds of around 40 knots (75kph) almost instantly and then taken on an unforgettable high-speed open ocean adventure.

It is our intention to get you wet and we're very good at it - we suggest you bring a change of clothes!

Sounds like fun to me anyway...how is everyone?

can anyone tell me how to get my weight loss ticker onto my site?

*sigh* life can get so hectic when you have a baby. I havent been here for a day or two cause i have been running around trying to find a bassinet cause Caleb wont sleep in his cot at night...only durng the day. Hell if i know why,lol.

FOOD INTAKE YESTERDAY

Bowl of crunchy clusters

Optifast mousse

Small portion of potato bake ( damn it!!!)

FOOD INTAKE TODAY ( as of 12 pm)

Bowl of Nutrigrain ( not the best choice, as at least the crunchy clusters has some fibre and roughage (sp?) in it,lol)

optifast mousse

sausage

Just to clarify aswell...i had a problem with anorexia in the past...and am still struggling to not fall back into that pit hole called hell. But i consider myself "recovered" ( if there is such thing) at this moment...which is why i am making a concious effort to not go and find out the cals in every food that i eat, am still eating "bad " foods and all round just trying not to obsess about it too much...i am trying to diet, not get consumed with ana. I get scared that i will fall back into that pit again...just the other da i had this feeling that i havent felt in a while. The feeling that sucked me in in the first place...you know, that buzz you get when you havent eaten, its like you can feel it all thru your body. Almost like its entered my blood and i was  living on a high. I hadnt eaten all day, and it kinda scared me, because i have a baby now and cant let myself become trapped in that mess. But oh how nice it felt....i remember when it felt so good to stand up and get dizzy...to have a natural high...but i also remember the insomnia, the days i would wake up and just want to throw up, but there was nothing there to throw up. the time i fainted in the gym, but got back up and kept riding that bike....with everyone's eyes on me, knowing i was struggling with an ED. ANYWAY....

i lost 1 kg the past week.. i turn 21 in 5 weeks, so i want to lose 5 kgs more. I think that is a safe weight to lose if i diet and excersise...i am trying to ut up a weight ticker on my site...but i cant find where to paste the code...any help?

bye for now