Well, it's been a while since I last blogged, don't you guys think? And now I'm back, and I'm ready to do what I do best; write about serious things and give them titles that are either really appropriate or completely random. The title of this blog is a rather tricky one. I can't seem to decide if it's appropriate or random yet. Maybe by the end of this blog I'll know. And I just want to thank Diddy (if for some weird reason he has a xanga and is reading this) for creating the word "bitchassness" because I honestly don't know what I would do without it. So, thank you Diddy.

Gosh, I didn't even start blogging yet, and I've already gotten off topic. I'm so amazing at life like that. lmfao.

But seriously, in the past two days, some pretty serious shiz has gone down. But for some reason, none of it has affected me as badly as I honestly thought it would. I thought I would be crying and sad and depressed, but after I've taken time to sit and dwell on the situation and do a self-evaluation, I can honestly say that this person did what they did out of bitchassness. And looking back on what has happened, it is quite stupid and retarded and this person is totally filled with jealousy and hateration.

To know that someone who you once considered your best friend would turn around on you and just cut off all forms of communication because of jealousy and because of a guy isn't something one would want to talk about. But you all should know me by now, and know that I write about anything and everything, and this is definitely no different.

So, my former best friend (Actually, that's a lie. She's not my former best friend, but she's no long my best friend. It's kind of complicated. I think it's safe to say I don't know what kind of frienship we have now.), who we will call Rose for a lack of a better name and to protect the innocent, liked this guy, who we will name X for the same reasons previously stated. I might as well just name X's best friend while we're at it. X's best friend will be called Z because Z is just as random as X and Rose, as well as because of the previously mentioned reasons.

Now the thing is, X didn't like Rose at all, and to be honest, it was quite obvious. But of course, me and her both chose to ignore that. Even though X and Z were making it quite clear.

[[-- I think I should take the time to explain a trend that me, Rose, and another friend of ours seemed to notice. --
You see, Rose doesn't know what the fuck she wants in a guy, so of course she liked many people. For example, she liked A, B, C, D, and E. As the best friend, it was only customary to introduce me to the lucky selections, who would end up being not-so-lucky. But anway. Eventually, I would end up having to become friends with the best friend of A, B, C, D, or E; depending on who the crush was. That wasn't the problem. The problem was that somehow, I still don't know how, in the process of becoming really good friends with the best friend of the crush, I would become really close friends with either A, B, C, D, or E.
However, this time it was a wee bit different because well, Z and I were already really, really, really good friends.
It's weird, yes. But it's just how it happens. I never knew why until Z explain to Rose why X didn't like her, and why people thought so differently of me and her even though we were best friends; which I will explain later on in the very long blog.]]

So Rose continued liking X. And I began hanging out with Z, who was always hanging out with X, which means that one could safely say that I began to hang out with Z and X.

Now the more I hung out with X (and Z as well), I realized that me and him had the same friends. We were both friends with Z, and a bunch of other kids as well, we had just never gotten to really know each other. Eventually, I began hanging with X merely because I enjoyed his good company, not because Rose wanted me to keep an eye on him.

And the closer X and I got, the further apart Rose and X got (Which was pretty damn far being that they weren't really close at all. I should take the time to say that it was painfully awkward for Z and I to watch them hang out because it was very clear that they had no chemistry whatsoever.). This was not my fault. I guess me and X just had a lot more common, and that I just had a better chemistry with him (friendship-wise).

Anyway, things got to the point where me and X would talk on AIM ferquently and tell each other stuff, and etc. During this time, some ugly shit went down between Rose and X. Long story short, he ended up not talkign to her anymore and she was really upset. Actually, more like her heart was shattered.

Soooo, she decided to iM one of my close friends, who happened to be Z, and say the following: "Why can't I be more like Shani? Everyone loves her and everyone hates me?"

Z's reply was quite simple. However he didn't exactly realize what he was doing when he replied: "In regards to why people like talking to Shani...She's just someone you can talk to. You know what I mean? Like regardless of whether you're happy or sad. You can talk to her about whatever. I don't know, I guess it's just the aura she gives off." This statement was legit, in my eyes of course, and made me feel mad chyll. However, all it did was unleash loads of jealousy Rose had been holding in for oh-so-long.

So here comes the reason why "bitchassness" was in the title of my blog.

Because of what Z said, Rose decided to cut me out of her life because "she didn't want to corrupt my life with the bad aura she was giving off". Now I don't know what it sounds like to you, but it seems like it's a mixture of hateration and jealousy, which amounts to BITCHASSNESS.

And bitchassness is something that pisses me off very much.

If you're going to hate off of me or be jealous, okay. If you're going to cut me out of your life, do it because I acually did something intentionally. I can't help the kind of aura I give off; I'm just a generally nice person to people. Don't hate off me or cut me out of my life because you're jealous that you can't give off the same aura or because I have something you don't. Hate of me because I'm a bitch, ho, heiffa, hoodrat, etc. etc.

But of course, when one suffers from a serious case of bitchassness, that will not happen. People will hate of you for no apparent reason, and hell, I guess I'll just have to get used to it. If your best friend can get it, then it looks like everyone else can too, especially those who aren't exactly your favorite people.

I guess that this just shows that if bitchassness can really get your best friend to hate you, then a lot more people hate you too.

Oh wells. Life is life. And I'm loving it.

Just remember people, try and listen to Diddy.

Just try.

Don't forget his famous words on Making the Band 4: "NO BITCHASSNESS!"

Sometimes you have to be lied to in order to find out the truth.
But why does the truth always hurt more than the lie?

Well, what can I say? There's only 11 more days left until school is over (including weekends). It's almost over. It's that time for me to proudly declare that I have survived freshman year at Bergen County Academies, one of the most prestigious schools in the state and the country.

Like I said, "survived". That doesn't necessarily mean that I don't have a couple of cuts and bruises (metaphorically speaking) that will be with me forever; they're my battle scars and they remind me of the mistakes that I made, emotionally, mentally, physically, and academically.

When I say survive, I guess I mean that I've come a longggg way from where I've started from. I'm not going to lie, I started out as a little freshman who was determined to get all A's throughout the whole year. That's how I started out. As the year progressed, I realized that I had to make realistic goals. So I did. I decided that I would try and maintain As and Bs in my classes for freshman year, and I acheived that goal, if you would like to exclude math.

Now I'm almost a sophmore (which may I add sucks ass because in all honesty sophmores are considered the scum of the earth because they're not freshmen and they're not upperclassmen; they're just there) and I got my classes for the next year and I must admit that I'm not too thrilled to be starting school next year (mostly because I'm terrified of chemistry).

Over all, a lot of things have changed for me. I've lost some friends, but in the process I gained even more amazing ones that I could ever ask for. I've done some stupid bitchass things that have made me stronger in the end, no matter how much it hurt. I've been able to look in mirror and finally accept who I am, even if no one else does. Yeah, that took me a whole school year, but fuck, the point is that I've reached that level with myself.

I guess I've also learned to be more honest with myself academically and emotionally. I know it may sound harsh or bitchy, but in all honestly, my biggest critic (besides my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ) would have to be myself. I've been so hard on myself this year, and I have to admit that I haven't really given myself the benefit of the doubt many times. If it weren't for my strong religious faith, I don't know if I would even be attending BCA sophmore year.

I guess it's time for the shoutouts now, huh?

I've had some pretty amazing people step into my life this year, and I wouldn't have it any other way. Honestly, if it weren't for them, I don't know how I would be able to make it through what I have gone through.

My first shoutout would have to go to Emma Missey and Kyle Walton. They've been there for me since the 2nd (Emma) and 4th (Kyle) grades, and I know we're going to be graduating from BCA with a bond that can never be broken. Emma and Kyle are pretty much my life, and I love them with all my heart.

Secondly, I would have to thank Tina Mensa-Kwao and Joy Obayemi for being the down to earth, true blue, honest, blk, bold, and beautiful sistas that they are. If it weren't for them, I don't think that I would be able to get through some of the things I have gone through. This bond also will never be broken. They're like my sisters, and they mean the world to me.

Thirdly, I have to shout out Jenny Sosa and Abby Marshall. They are two of the most amazing people you will ever meet. You put the three of us together and there's going to be some pretty crazy shit going on or being talked about. We're just crazy like that, but that's just us. We've been through some things, but we've gotten over them, and our friendship is just as strong as before, if not tighter.

Fourth, I have to thank God that I met Tiffany Yang. She's just...Tiffany, for a lack of better words. There is never a dull moment when you hang out with this chica. You best not fuck with her, that will constitute as me having to kick your ass to whatever country your family is from. But in all seriouness, Tiffany is a gerat person to talk to, and she's a great listener. She'll always have your back, and will always always always brighten up your day.

Fifth, I have to shout out my boys Mike "JerryHo" Zeng and Kiyan "Thuglife" Nourain. They are like my big brothers, always there, and always ready for my tears. I could not imagine having any other sophmores in my life (and not just because they're actually nice to freshmen iight? lol) and I would not even ask for any other sophmores in my life. They're willing to talk to me until 1am in the morning or until I feel better about a situation, and for that I'm grateful.

I have to say that if you ever want to become friends with upperclassmen, you should totally become friends with the best juniors BCA will ever have: Yanique Campbell, Lomie Cunningham, Joel Mathew, Gavin Hubbard, Kelli Bannister, Shelly Hseish, and Anelys Fernandez. These people are the most amazing upperclassmen in the history of upperclassmen. Yanique is like the big sister I always wanted, and I can honestly say that Lomie is like the big brother I've always wanted (even though he gets on my last nerve lmao). Yanique and Lomie are two of the most hilarious people ever. They are two peole that I can never ever forget, and I'm happy I met them. I couldn't ask for another two people for God to place into my life. Joel is one of the most understanding people in the world, even when he wants to punch you in the face. He's there when you need a friend, and I'm grateful that he's in my life. He's maddd g too, just because "that's how he do". [His words, not mine]. Gavin, Gavin, Gavin. Every time I say his name, I burst out laughing. This kid is amazing at life. Point blank. He's soooooooooooooo funny, and he's always smilling, except when he's listening to his iPod. From what I've gathered, he's mad g, so those of you wannabees, you best step up to Mr. Hubbard's level. ahaha. But seriously, Gavin is a really cool dude, and he'll always have your back. Kelli, Shelly, and Anelys. That's definitely an unlikely group; but in a good way. They're all so motivated to do well, but they still know how to have fun. I love teasing them about putting their switches on, and they love me for it. rofl. But in all seriousness, they are three amazing chicas, and I love them.

Last, but definitely, not least, would be the most amazing Senior (yes, a captial "s" lmao) and SPARK leader ever, Mr. George Soussou. He's amazing at life. He's helped me with my life problems from DAY ONE at this freaking high school. And he's never once had a problem with it. He's gotten me Boston Market, helped me with math homework, and given me advice about everything. Did I mention that that's just part of the long list of things he's done for me? Ahaha. He's just an amazing person and there are truly no words to describe what kind of person Soussou is.

And of course, there are many, many, many, many others that I could name, but I would legit be here all night, and as much as I love writing; I love my sleep more. lmfao.

Of course, the school year is coming to a close, and for me at least, it's a bitter-sweet moment. I'm totally pumped for all the challenges I'll be facing next year, but I'm also kind of not wanting to have to deal with the issues. All I know is that I would have never, ever in a million years asked to have been a fresh[wo]man at any other high school (even though honestly I hated it there on some days) besides the Bergen County Academies.

I know God placed this school in my life for a reason, and I know that at the end of these four years, it will be well worth it.

So I came to a revelation today.

I'm in love with him.

But then right after I came to that revelation, I started to cry.

Because I knew what the outcome of me falling in love with him would be.

And I didn't like it.

I can't have whats happened to me so many times before happen again.

I can't stand for it. I've waited way too long for someone as amazing as him to come along, just to realize that nothing is going to happen.

And don't get me wrong, I want to be with him, really really really bad, but I can't.

I just can't.

All my friends keep telling me that I should tell him how I feel.

But I can't, I just can't.

I want to, but I just can't.

I'm can't set myself up for heartbreak.

And the only thing that's holding me back, is fear.

Fear of a broken heart.

I should probably do what the All-American Rejects say, "When all you have to keep is gone, move along, move along, like I told you to. And even when your hope is gone, move along, move along, just to make it through. Move along..."

A couple of minutes ago, I just finished reading one of Abby's stories (Abby is one of my best friends); "My Life as a Converse All-Star Cinderella". It was amazing.

But it got me thinking about things.

Mostly about how I wish my life were a fairy tale.

If my life went just as smoothly, then maybe, just maybe, things would be going the way I want them to.

So...

There's this guy. Let's call him "Caramel" (lmfao don't ask). So Caramel is one fine piece of man. :D

Ahahaha. But in all seriousness, he's one of the most amazing, well-rounded, sexy, and approachable people you'll ever meet. I would list other qualities, but this thing is connected to my FaceBook, and not everyone on my friends list on my facebook knows about Caramel. Out of my 400 friends, I would say about 10 know. Actually I should say, I only told 10 people. So let's just stick to the qualities than any brotha should have, shall we?

Sorry: random tangent. lol.

But back on topic.

So yeah he's amazing.

And if my life were a romance novel, a movie, a fairy-tale, or some shit like that, then I would be in his arms right this very moment. And we'd be happy and live happiliy ever after, and blah blah blah blah blahzeeblah.

But even though life is a novel, it's a novel that's extremely raw and unpredictable, and throws you radom-ass curveballs that you'll never hit. If my life were a game of baseball and it was me against the world, the score would be, Shani: 1 --> World: 3452358972395237592375923543 x infinity. That shows you how wonderful life is for me.

So I can only sit here and hope wish that my life were something magical and spectacular.

You know what I'm talking about! Like what Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana sings, "If we were a movie, you'd be the right guy. I'd be the best friend, you'd fall in love with. In the end, we'd be laughing. While watching the sun set. Fade to black. Show the names. Play that happy song..."