Wednesday, November 26, 2003

Wed, 26 Nov 2003 22:37:17 GMT

I really like what my boredom did to this site. Maybe I'll transfer it to beencaughtstealing because the banner at the top is bugging me...

So, for some mysterious reason, I decided to resurrect this site... I was sitting doing nothing when all of a sudden, I wanted to re-do this site... So I did it, and I'm pretty pleased with the results. As I said... I'll stop repeating myself.

It was really embarrassing in history today. I started to cry... and I didn't want to explain it to anybody. But Mr. Casares made us write down what we were truly thankful for and why. I wrote down that I was thankful for all the materalistic things, but that I was also very thankful for my friends and family. I said, I know that everyone says they're thankful for both, but how many are truly honest? Do they really care?

For family I wrote that I was grateful for them because even if the entire world turned it's back on me, I know I would be able to come back home in the end and be welcomed - that they would never turn their backs on me.

For friends I wrote how I, yes, went through and am still going through those teenage stages of "No one likes me!" "Why does no one love me?" "Why me?" but that I also realized I did have true friends because of this move to Stockton. Some people really are upset about it, and it completely broke my heart with the realization. I then wrote that I was very thankful for Amanda Prondzinski - and to those reading this and are one of my best friends, I'm not saying I love her anymore than I love you, so please don't take any offense but... let me explain...

Mandy was the first person I called when I found out I was moving. And through thick and thin, in my depressed, suicidal stages, and overly-happy, embarrassing stages, she's been by my side either trying to get me to cheer the fuck off while being moody as hell all the while because I rub off on her - so trying to cheer both of us the fuck up - or skipping and singing and yelling down Main street, she's been by my side. I'm never embarrassed of anything I do in public when I'm with her, because she either just laughs or joins in. She... is one of the best people I know, and ever will know. We're different yet alike in so many ways, and it's hard to put it into words. So after writing all of this, I wrote that I also felt like I was losing my "best friend, my talk-to buddy, my sister" and that "I'm going to cry if I keep writing this so I'll stop..." and then, I promptly burst into tears. I don't think anyone really noticed. But there were tears, and they got all over the paper, and when I turned people kept looking at me - so I instantly knew they knew.

But okay, I feel better - I got that out, and I didn't cry.

Mandy - I love you so much, and I'm sad I'm moving too. I wish I could just package you up and move you with me, but unfortunately, that can't be our reality, and that pisses me off. We'll do lots of stuff together before I have to go, and next summer you can stay with me. We have plans, mon amie, we must act on them.

So I guess this post is for Mandy. I haven't really written anything down about how I felt yet, and she has - on her site.... I figured I'd return the favour.

Well, I go bye.

Music: Smashing Pumpkins - Porcelina of the Vast Oceans

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Wednesday, November 26, 2003