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| Wow.Does anyone still use this? Hahaha...I just felt like posting something cuz I haven't done so in...months. Anyhow, the list is still the list...haven't really finished it. But it's kind of funny looking at the background of this thing and thinking, "Wow. That was me...two years ago." I remember putting it up two years ago and being so proud of it...the overall look of it and the fact that I even put it up. haha. =) two years is a longggg time yeappp but in the long run it's really not...we'll see how I turn in another two. =P
College started and I love it. I love the people I've met. =) It's kind of interesting because I used to think, "so and so changed so much since they left for college...etc etc," so I'd like to know how much I've changed in the past month. I hope I haven't changed for the worse if I've changed much at all. My love hate thing with Rutgers has ended and I'm probably gonna be too lazy to try to transfer so...I think I'll stick it out and I won't be crazy and try to graduate in three years either. =P I'm gonna get so fat by the end of the year. =PP Oi I've gotten sick twice since I've been here. ew. It's kind of depressing. =P Yeah, it's 5 am and Chell's here, so I'm gonna stop cuz I really have nothing to say. XDD
- Into the Fire | | |
| haha holy shit...I haven't posted anything here in a while.
Wow...so somehow (when I wasn't looking/paying attention) I turned old. =( Without my noticing, my younger cousins are now in high school and whoa guess what? I'm done. What the hell? O.o They're probably some of the most ridunk kiddies you'll find around but they're not...really kiddies anymore. Ehhhh!??!
I finally got my permit on Saturday. Cheers. That wasn't my highlight of Saturday though. We went to three DMVs that day. We ended up picking up a stranger in need at the second DMV in Edison and took her with us to the third on in West Plainsfield. Although my mom wasn't too crazy about it, I managed to get her to say okay. Random acts of kindness are happy. =) Little things like this makes me think that there's some hope left for the world.
By the way, I'm moving to Alaska sometime in the future. I am heat intolerant now. XD It's much too hot...I feel like I'm melting. ERGH!
I really have nothing to say, so I'm going to stop here. =)
OH WAIT! THE LIST!
-Get a gigantic teddy bear from FAO Schwarz.
-Get a cartilage piercing.
-Get better at calligraphy
-Read 15 books I've never read (not for school)
-Watch 10 movies I've never seen
-Eat at Panera
-Eat at Minado
-Learn how to drive
-Get into an all-out brawl/Completely snap
-Try something new
-Change something about myself
-Make a lasting friendship
-Eat at Penang
-Go mini-golfing
-Go fishing?
Haha so I crossed out...three things...that's so...sad. ew.
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| I tried to make a nice little diagram of the last four years of my life, but it didn't work out. Essentially it's a circle with lots of ups and downs...perhaps more downs than ups. Anyhow, I like to run/hide from my failures. Yay. It seems pretty normal. But hey, my circle's come full round now. Maybe this time I'll go forward...who knows if it'll actually happen. But in order to move forward blindly or not, I'm gonna have to start somewhere. What's a better place to start other than looking at my past failures...quite literall y. THEREFORE, IF I HAPPEN TO WALK UP TO SOMETHING/SOMEONE AND SAY, "HELLLOOOO FAILURE!" DON'T BE ALARMED. I'M JUST A LITTLE CRAZY.
By the way, the scribbler toy on zefrank.com is fun.
 
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| This was my list from November.
-Get a gigantic teddy bear from FAO Schwarz.
-Get a cartilage piercing. (Reconsidered. I still want one but the consequences outweighs the want.)
-Get better at calligraphy
-Read 15 books I've never read (not for school)
-Watch 10 movies I've never seen (At least halfway through...might've accomplished it and not remember that I have)
-Eat at Panera
-Eat at Minado
-Learn how to drive (In another month..maybe)
-Get into an all-out brawl/Completely snap
-Try something new (Not exactly sure what, but I'm sure I have..must have.)
-Change something about myself (Might've. Not sure.)
-Make a lasting friendship
adding
-Eat at Penang
-Go mini-golfing
-Go fishing?
I've crossed out a total of 4 things since November...but really only 3. How sad.
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| TalkingYeap. I haven't really talked to anyone in a while, so I'm going to talk to everyone here..namely whoever still reads xanga.
I remember a bunch of people telling me senior year would be easy. Whoever fed me that crap should burn in hell. Har. I'm not entirely sure if I'm kidding or not. Hopefully I am.
I also remember people saying that these college apps really make you sit down and think about the things that really matter to you and what you've really done so far. Well, I'm having trouble with mine. At first I almost labeled it as apathy, but haha god knows that definitely wouldn't have fit. I care. I always care. They said write with who you are, and I couldn't. I had...correction, still have a lot of trouble. I couldn't figure it out. Was I just not inspired enough to write them? If so, when would I be inspired enough to write? I've been sitting down writing these essays with unsatisfactory products, I feel like I'm still bullshitting them. I feel like I've been bullshitting everything. It even seems like my whole life is bullshit. It's just a whole load of shit, and I'm still clinging onto the hope that I can find some sort of meaning in this mess. Anyhow, last night I was just laying on my floor staring up at the ceiling...kind of mindless but these days mindlessness seems like a necessity to me. It just kind of came to me, I suck. Simply that. I'm not a total failure at life, but I suck at it. Fine, mediocre or slightly above that. But really it's just as simple as that. I am mediocre at everything. I'm a mediocre student. I'm a mediocre daughter. I'm a mediocre sister. I'm not even a mediocre friend. I was a mediocre girlfriend. I'm a mediocre pianist. I'm a mediocre sort of person. I haven't done anything extraordinary and I know that's fine because not many people can actually achieve that. However, I'm not even remotely talented at anything. I haven't made much of a difference in anything. Not even the slightest. I kind of feel like I should say, "This is where the self depreciating statements, 'I am small. I am nothing. I don't matter.' should come in." This is such terrible humor. Well that's the reason I've managed to piece together for my app problems.
I'm frustrated with myself. I cry a ridiculous amount. I don't believe I've ever cried this much before in less than a year ever. Sometimes I'm not even sure why I cry anymore. I just do. To whoever said crying makes it better, you're a terrible liar. It just says to me I have nothing better to do than to cry about everything which is terribly pathetic. Once in a while, fine. But what I've turned into is just fucking ridiculous. It's not even just this. It irks me to no end that I can't read or write anymore. Yeap, you heard me...rather read me? I think I'm turning rather illiterate. This lame excuse for a brain of mine is degenerating. Rather irksome. I can't seem to comprehend anything I read anymore. I even started the whole re-reading what realllyyy doesn't click. Nope. Not helping. Writing skills? God, I don't even want to go there. I want to shoot myself half the time I write.
I'm impossibly clumsy too. I keep dropping things. I keep bumping into things. I worried about getting myself killed once the snow started since I have to walk to piano, but it might not even have to snow for that to happen. There was a day a few weeks ago, I almost got myself killed twice. Lovely. I tripped twice and needless to say it wasn't pretty.
I can't take care of myself anymore. I don't know what I'm doing to myself. I'm sleeping more, but it's not helping any. It finally registered how tired I really look this year. I knew I looked kind of tired, but just not this tired. I've heard from a few people that I looked incredibly tired a while ago. God damn, I hate looking in the mirror but I do it anyways. Perhaps it's just in my mind this incredibly tired state of mine and I'm just the same old decently tired. I'm starting to dream again... rather, remembering my dreams again. I don't like them at all. They're more like nightmares. Despicable.
I wonder how many of us truly mean it when we say, "I miss you," I hear it a lot. I say it a lot. Most of the time, I don't think I mean it. A lot of times these days when I say it all I really want to do is run far, far away and forget nearly everyone I've ever met here knowing full well I could never do it because I'm too much of a coward. There are times though when I really do miss you, and when I do I cry. It's kind of stupid considering some of the people I miss I see... nearly all the freaking time. This is partially why I say I'm less than a mediocre friend. I'm sorry for not being entirely honest. I've come to hate myself again for a lot of reasons, one of them is becoming such a hypocrite. I know everyone's a hypocrite to a certain degree, but from my point of view, I've just hit a pit. I criticized a lot of people for their actions without any concrete evidence as my basis for doing so aside from stupid assumptions, and now I've partaken in all that that I used to criticize people for. Some of these criticisms aren't even vocalized so you don't know what they are, but they're still criticisms nonetheless because they exist in my head. Some days I'm just so ashamed of myself. Those days I want to cover myself up head to toe, hide away, and sometimes cry. Haha. There it goes again, crying. Boohoo. God.
If you've noticed I've been straying from AIM a bit these days. I'm actually quite proud of it, but there's a reason for it. It's not that I'll get distracted..quite the opposite. It's unnecessary for me to have it open because I won't talk to anyone and no one will talk to me. I keep telling myself I'm gonna go talk to more people, but I never do it. Yeah, I'm friendly most of the time, but haha I'm sure some of you have noticed I don't open up if I don't want to. I can be cold. Then, there's just not knowing what to say because every thing's always the same. Mundane. If that's why you don't talk to me, it's perfectly fine. I understand and at the same time I'm glad you're not bothering to subject yourself and myself to that pain. Admittedly what I'm about to say goes against everything I've just said. I'm lonely. I feel so freaking lonely to the point of absurdity. I need to rebuild connections. Give me some time and maybe I'll open up. Just maybe. Not sure anymore.
I was once offered drugs, I refused. Did you expect anything else? After all you've all heard of my plans. Drugs on my deathbed. It doesn't stop me from wondering what would've happened if I took the person up on his offer. Don't hate me. I'm just wondering. I hate myself too much these days to have you hate me too.
My period is late, and I'm kind of wondering if this is an extended PMS thing. I wish I could say it was, but I don't think it is. Not at all...
I'm stressed. I'm tired. I don't want to look up at whatever I've typed over the past hour..hour and a half because I'll hate myself even more knowing I really typed this up. I'm fully aware that it seems like I'm bitching and whining and all that other shit that could damn well characterize this as emo. It's not. I don't want pity and whatnot. This isn't a stupid cry for help or whatever it is that other people want when they put their emo shit up. Despite its purpose, I hate that I wrote this because I have no right
to feel like this at all. There's nothing in my life that can be so
terribly wrong that I have to feel this way.
At some point while writing this, I considered sending this in as my extended essay for Chicago. Haha. I know, what a fucking terrible idea. For those of you who would highly discourage me from doing so, don't worry. I won't.
Anyhow, I need to start looking at the On the Nature of Things thing by Lucretius again. It was nice talking. If I haven't really let you in before, you just had a look. There's a first and last for everything. Who knows what it was for you.
On a slightly happier note...okay much happier note.
Happy 18th, Jacky. Happy 19th, Robin.
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