Currently Listening Love On The Inside By Sugarland All I Want To Do see related

I'm about to get real personal, real quick.........

I'm up again, working my ass off trying to get this stuff done, and it seems like everything is weighing on me strongly. I'm just wearing myself out on my one goal, that everyone seems to support, but yet not understand that my life revolves around it. I want to be back in school. I NEED to be back in school. I have to do what is best for me in every aspect of my life. Financial, Personal, Emotional, whatever...... It just seems like people think I'm the old me, caring about what everyone else needs first. Well, as I always say, its all about adapting and changing to fit yourself in whatever situation you're in. You have to reinvent yourself every so often to keep yourself fresh and ready for what life brings. You can't just talk about it, you have to actually take the steps to do it.

I miss my family so much. I miss it so much it almost makes me cry. I miss basketball playoff games with them. i miss road trips. I miss seeing their faces. I miss sitting around and just talking crap about each other and laughing into the wee hours of the morning even if we have to get up early. But I'm on the road less traveled, and I hear thats why people respect me, talk about me, and envy me. Cause I say "Screw the path of least resistance." Well, its not like its because I wanted to, its because thats the road that I felt I had to take. If I had my choice, I'd be graduating (or already have) and on my way to some job somewhere (meanwhile Saturday night at the Chicken, another job offer...... in Dallas.......... gosh, am I supposed to pass up jobs like this in this ecomony). But as usual, I'm always expected to be destined for greatness in everything i do.

I miss the people who were there for me when I first got to Aggieland. I miss my Houston support system. The people who always have believed, who always had faith in me. Not those who jumped on the bandwagon at the end, or cause they knew they couldn't deter me. I'm trying to surround myself with those people who helped me as much as I helped them or appreciated it when I did help them. I miss the Browns of old (no offense to the browns of new). i just wish people would believe I had emotions. That I have feelings..... that I'm not some robot or drone. People who read this are more supportive and know I have feelings, unlike the people I've been distancing myself from. It seems sad I'm to this point, but even I saw it coming. I knew at some point I was going to have to let the life I built as a campus legend go, I just thought it would be when I graduated. But the one thing is.... its a lot easier than I ever thought it would be.

This year, I'm going to cut down on bonfire a lot, but I know I'm going to be needed when I'm there for two things...... motivation and leadership. And not the "I run shit" type of leadership, but instead the "I've done it before and I've done it again and again and I'm still doing it" type. its going to be a hard year, and its kind of make or break for me. If its like last year, I'm leaving and I'll support it, but I'm done. If its like 2 years ago, I'm apart of it forever. I want Student Bonfire to stand for what I built it for........... not for myself.

I think the lack of sleep is making me crazy, but maybe I'm just finding myself falling in love. I don't know, but I haven't talked to her in a couple of weeks, and when I finally get to sleep at night I'm thinking about her and possibly holding her when she gets back. She's the most calming influence in my life right now. She is sweet, with a heart of gold, independent, quirky, and just an all out joy to be around. I mostly miss that smile...... I'm smitten all over again......... this time I think its more than smitten.

But we all know whats going to happen (if you don't, read back through this journal), and I'm kind of conflicted between going after it or just saying screw it and focus on work. But I know thats been the problem with me a lot in the past. And so when she is back in the fall, I'm just going to step up and be a man about it.

Well, its been another long night, up doing the work, I'm done venting..... so its time to head to the bed.

Currently Listening Fly By Dixie Chicks Hole in My Head see related

I'm wearing myself thin getting ready for Ziegfest Corpus Christi, and in the end I think it will all be worth it. Of course, with me doing, its never going to go as planned. I've been driving myself crazy with this mostly cause I have no idea of exactly is going on. All I know is I will be in Corpus for a week, working long hours, hiding from the world until everyone shows up to take me away.

Right now, my body is sore (everything except my back for some sick reason) and  I'm tired when I go bed and then again when wake up. Over are the days of staying up late and getting up early everyday. Now I only do it when I have to. My social life is dying slowly. I'm becoming boring and somewhat normal........... its awesome.

Well, thats it for right now, I may write again today......

Currently Listening Continuum By John Mayer Slow Dancing In A Burning Room see related

Coming Full Circle

Well, I'm at the SCC on A&M's campus right now typing this, and so where this journey began 5 years ago now turns into a new one. Its been a difficult, fun, learning experience over the last 5 years. I've gone from some kid with the entire world on my back to a kid with the entire world in fromt of him. I thank God for putting me through the stuff I've been through, because without it, I wouldn't have been prepared to deal with what's ahead. Its going to be a long road to get back to A&M and get my degree. Its also going to be hard to get this business where I belive it should be.

I feel like I've left a lot behind, but I think its all worth it in the end. The only thing I haven't been able to shake is the feeling of loneliness that I get when i have no one really to share it all with when I am successful at something or to come home to when I'm tired and I'm worn out. Otherwise, I had to get rid of all the stuff that was holding me back and holding me down.

At the beginning of this year I wanted to write an entry about how this was going to be my year, and I just couldn't finish it. Well, the problem was I couldn't say it was my year yet, because I wasn't ready to. I've got lots of things to talk to about and I'll be writing more and more often and even some from the road. So enjoy the future that I have coming.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MnKdz60H8VI

It's not a silly little moment,
It's not the storm before the calm.
This is the deep and dying breath of,
This love that we've been working on.

Can't seem to hold you like I want to,
So I can feel you in my arms.
Nobody's gonna come and save you,
We pulled too many false alarms.

We're going down and you can see it too.
We're going down and you know that we're doomed.
My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room.

I was the one you always dreamed of,
You were the one I tried to draw.
How dare you say it's nothing to me,
Baby you're the only light I ever saw.

I'll make the most of all the saddness.
You be a bitch because you can.
You'll try to hit me just to hurt me,
So you leave me feeling dirty cause you can't understand.

We're going down
And you can see it too
We're going down
And you know that we're doomed.

My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room.

Go cry about it
why don't you?

Go cry about it
why don't you?

Go cry about it
why don't you?

My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room.

Don't you think we ought to know by now?
Don't you think we should've learned somehow?

Currently Listening Long Way to Mexico By Roger Creager Love is Crazy see related

Faith, Hope and Love.......and the greatest is Love

Life is kind of funny in the way that things change. Sometimes things just change naturally, other times its cause of the way you change them. I think I'm finally on the right track for real for once. I feel like everything is going good. I feel like this is the most special bonfire since I was freshman. I was riding from a few hours at cut to work at the hook, and I was almost about to cry. I started to think how much I devoted myself to bonfire my sophomore year in honor of my grandmother and how after turbo stack, I got on my knees outside the bowl and started to cry and just began to pour down raining. I thought I ran around stack before burn giving people hugs my junior year, when I was a brown pot. I thought how I worked as hard as could that last night of stack with everything seeming to go on wrong around me that day that same year. I thought about taking people to their first bonfire my senior year and having them be overwhelmed at it all. But most of all, I think about my freshman year leading yells on a log with Pirate Josh and Brut, and looking into my family's eyes and knowing they were proud of me..... and maybe not my grades. Those are all special moments I'll never forget. And November 17th will be another magical day, because this time my old life and new life mix for the last time and I'll be doing everything I can to make it that special for everyone else.

I'm realizing how much I truely love everyone. Some people I've met once or twice, some I see everyday. I've been showing passion and restraint more often nowadays, mostly because I feel like if I had left and went to Alabama or Louisiana to work, I wouldn't have been able to show them much of anything at all. Yeah, I'll get angry. Yeah, I'll get mad. Yeah, I'll get frustrated. But the best part is when I get on my knees and pray about it. That feeling is what I need more than going on a rampage or anything. That feeling of God taking all that burden away.............. and I now I know what Blurry by Puddle of Mudd means to me. Something different than to that 15 year old kid in that empty apartment 7 years ago. Just shows how far I've come.

I think I may have found a girl worth going after, and that scares the crap out of me. But I'm going to do it until she says no. I don't know who you think it is, but its the one you least expect it, or maybe not. I think I've been scared by all the bad luck and completely bad decisons I've made in the past, but sometimes you just gotta keep trying. I'm breaking all my rules for this and it means that once the words come out of my mouth I'm a hypocrite. But in the end, maybe following those rules is what I needed the whole time. I'm not saying its going to start off serious, but I hope that she sticks around for a while. Sometimes I still get that "Why am I not good enough?" feeling and it sucks, but I look at myself and know I am. When you keep getting told by women twice your age you're a catch for the last 5 years of your life, you would think they know. Hell, I even cook and clean. That's better than most of the women out there. but I know I'm on the right track.

Work for carpet cleaning is slowing down, but work elsewhere is kicking up, and thats awesome. I hope to be at Blinn next semester if the Lord says the same, as my grandmother would say. I'm still losing weight and getting in shape. More people want to come to my bible study. And why? Cause I put life in the Lord's hands and let him guide me. Most of the time. I still make mistakes, cause I'm still human and no one is perfect.

Ziegfest in Houston was awesome. We made lots of money and kicked ass (Literally) while doing it, and they loved us enough to ask us to do more stuff. I'm trying to set up a concert for bonfire as well for before burn. And that combined with Snowfest means I'll be awefully busy in November and December, but I'll still be around to write when I can. The next 2 months I'm going to make as amazing as possible for myself and the world.......... as Roger Creager says..... "I'm going to set the whole damn world on fire"

I miss my family, and i can't wait until Thanksgiving when they come. I think thats when I put it all together again, that weekend. I mix my blood family and my family up here for 2 or 3 days of amazing fun and relaxation. And hopefully we'll beat the hell outta t.u. All that I wish is that Cody would be here for all of it. I think thats the guy who got me focused on my life, because he proved you can come back from anything. And when he saw that fire for the first time, he looked at me and said the following "I've never seen anything like, and how do you do it?" and I replied, "Its takes everything you did to turn your life around....... blood, sweat, tears, heart, soul, desire............" and on that note I'm out.