Finally, the sun is shinning rays on inspirational emotions.  Showing it's own way of sighing. 

i can finally breath

a change is much needed:xanga.com/radiantwildflower

so all the trees i hide behind can't save me now

  i'll run and scream and like always no one hears no one notices nothing changes

i've noticed that all my words are helpless. they dangle out of my mouth and just cause problems. he doesn't care who he affects. his careless heart rummages through what he can say to affect me.

    and i'm sorry to say that this will never change. his daily routine this anger my frustration won't ever stop...until it devours me whole. and destroys everyone else in his path. so i'll sit with my anger. take it out on myself. and pray for a new day. where i'm else where smiling and laughing knowing that i'm not part of it and i don't have to be. so 9 year of realizations ...means nothing. just another building year of hatred. soak it up tear yourself down

 and i'll keep this world from draggin me down-bondagedeath 

i just don't understand it this anymore at all. why him. why. i don't understand why do much pain and cancer has to be in such a good person, i don't get it. it just isn't fair. it isn't and for all of this my grandmother is unsteady and my arms are too weak. why him. why. and i'll never know never understand never ----- my greatest prayers go out to my grandfather and to my grandmother. i'll never understand.

and i'd give anything to be as respectful as strong as honorable as my grandfather. i adore every aspect of how he lives his life...and i don't see the justice in such a caring man having such a destructive cancer. long path ahead of us...a long path ...and i'm crying because this is hard and i know of the occcurances to come. and they only come and come as time will kill us all in our own time. our own time we all pass...into something we'll never understand. and so here it is--a bad dream and i woke up with weights on my eyelids and hard rock has taken the place of my heart so here it comes my strength has to kick in soon---and i realized it will never just be a bad dream. this is reality.

throw away everything just to have you healthy again -bondagedeath

its not the smell in the air. it is the frozen chunks freezing the concrete and erasing the warmth of ankles and wrists. it is knowing how everything will get warm again...waiting.

and i'm not so sure of how it'll end up. will it end up being okay and all the cancer will disappear or will we all drown in occurances

             because everyone knows me and knows i'm too weak to lead-bondagedeath

the tear falls over the bridge of her nose and rolls onto her pillow. the hidden streams of heat fall until the night is over. the sun rises and shes off to another day where she doesn't feel. doesn't feel her frozen to the bone fingers, the snow on her face, the pain in her heart. it is just can't be real. i'm not real this isn't real. meaningless. life.

and while he gave me a kiss and told me of the facts that i already know. i felt my heart depress. i felt my heart walk right out the backdoor. he left me with a sense of goodbye, even tho he will never ever say goodbye because that is forever, i felt it. i felt the sickness in his cancer.  i found my eyes glued to the floor and the emotions pouring away. i can't picture it. i can't. he has made the greatest impact on my life, how do you just say goodbye and watch as the one male you trust in this world, turn into a grave stone. turn into just a memory. turn into something you never thought would ever ever happen..i don't want him to leave me my grandma my mom my aunts my brothers my cousins-our family...

....." and when i'm gone just carry on don't mourn rejoice every time you hear the sound of my voice just know that i'm looking down on you smiling nod feel no pain baby don't feel no pain just smile back".... -eminem

i just can't take it. i just can't ever imagine it. ..."don't leave me here to rot here by myself now"....-u.l.    <3 my grandpa <3 

so how do you tell someone how important they are when you know their leaving and you know your staying here, to live amongst these surroundings, and he won't be part of it. how do you smile or talk how do you walk and stand how do you know...what to say