Ok, I apologize if this blog is a little bit TMI, but this is really amazing. I have to share. About 4 years ago, I was diagnosed with Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome- a condition that is fairly common in women that results in irregular (or in my case, absent) menstrual cycles. Basically, women with PCOS don't ovulate and as a result often battle with infertility issues. My whole life, I've probably had about 10 menstrual cycles naturally. My body just does not work the way most women's do. I really struggled with not only feeling "abnormal," but I also just somehow did not feel like I was a real woman. Real women, in my mind, had the amazing ability to produce life. I often struggled with seeing myself as someone who was "broken" and not quite "whole." I would often hear my girl friends complain about "that time of the month," but in my head I would think, "at least your body is working right." For a woman who has a deep-seeded desire to be a mother someday, this was wounding. I shed many tears over this, because it went so deep. There is nothing that doctors can do to "fix" it, really. My doctor just told me "when you are ready to start having children, we will send you to a fertility specialist." Many of you know that I was married to someone who, after being married for 2 years, decided he didn't want children. When he revealed this to me, I felt such a blow to my core that I didn't think I could ever recover. I thought, "I'm going to look back on my life when I am 70 years old and regret the fact that I didn't have children." I became so angry at God for "creating" my body to be "broken." I didn't understand why He would create me the way He did, knowing that my desire for children went so deep. It hurt. After I got divorced, I felt an odd sense of hope- that maybe, one day, I would find a man who would want children and would want to raise them with me. I hoped that I would find someone who would accept the fact that it would be extremely difficult, if not impossible, for me to conceive naturally. During the months following my divorce, I immersed myself in an absolute love affair with God. I fell in love with Him, and just let Him come in and heal all of the wounds. I prayed, too, that he would heal my body, and cause it to "work" the way he had designed it to. God answers prayers. I am so beyond blessed, I cry about it. Tears of joy. For the past 4 months, I have had regular cycles. This is so amazing to me, because this has NEVER happened. As I have been reflecting on the countless ways in which my life is being renewed over the past year, it dawned on me the other day for the first time in all my years of hurt, why I never had regular periods. I realized that God was protecting me from having children with a man that He knew would not be the father that I wanted for them.
The entire time I was married, almost 3 years, I was never on birth control. I never became pregnant. God basically "shut down" my body because He knew and cared about what the desires of my heart were- He knew I wanted to raise a family with a Godly man, in a home where Jesus was the center. He knew that I wanted a man who would work hard to provide for his children, and set a good example of what a good man is. I am so thankful to God that He protected me from the hardships of being a single mother (which I would be right now if I had had children.) When I married Rob, I absolutely knew deep down that he was not the man that God had planned for me to marry. God's voice was very loud during my engagement- I kept hearing Him tell me "This is not the one I have for you," and yet I deliberately ignored Him. I knew what I was doing was not the best thing for me, and yet I did it anyway. The struggle I felt internally was so strong that I became depressed and had to go on medication for it. There were times when I was married when I would look at Rob and feel a sense of sickness wash over me, knowing that I had made a mistake. There's nothing worse than that realization. Oftentimes, married couples who have been together for years will say "When I met her (or him), I just knew it was right. Not a doubt in my mind." It always bothered me that I never felt that with Rob. I secretly grieved it for a long time, and felt so desperate and lonely in my marriage. After having gone through the divorce, I have learned not only how to listen more closely to God's voice, but I have also learned how important it is to do so. Never again will I ignore it. It's far too painful to do so. I only know that what I experience in His love each day is far better than anything I've ever experienced on earth. All of those years, when I cried because I did not understand why my body was not "working," were because God loved me. He was protecting me, and now...He has healed me. I'm absolutely in awe of his love for us. He delights in us.
I could go on for days writing about the ways in which He has blessed me this past year. It has been, undeniably, the hand of God that has touched my life.
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I can't wait to hold her. Poor Jess- I called her yesterday and asked her what she was feeling, what things were going through her mind in these last few moments before birth and she said "I just want her OUT!" 