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SubscriptionsSites I Read
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| Angel- Jack JohnsonI was listening to my iPod earlier today, laying on the couch, my sister came and laid inbetween my legs and she was watching Barney and I was just chilling out. I had it on shuffle, then the song Angel by JJ came on. I love his music, but I don't think I had really listened to the lyrics of this song.
I've got an angel
She doesn't wear any wings
She wears a heart that could melt my own
She wears a smile that could make me want to sing
She gives me presents
With her presence alone
She gives me everything I could wish for
She gives me kisses on the lips just for coming home
She can make angels
I've seen it with my own eyes
You've got to be careful when you've got good love
Cause them angels will just keep on multiplying
You're so busy changing the world
Just one smile and you could change all of mine
We share the same soul
It makes sense.
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| I need love.We are falling apart, they said this about 11 years ago, our family was going to fall to pieces. My parents were going to divorce, my brother and I were going to be in jail, we had no hope.. we were going to fail. We beat the odds though, we stayed together. We weren't fully glued together, but our glue really stretched and we still stayed strong.
No one gets to have feelings worth getting attention if you aren't Grace, everyone else has to bottle up everything because there is no time to deal with it. She's 14 and acts like she's 3, she can't help it, she is depressed over it, she's a sad little autistic girl. She's hurting everyone around her, we can't worry about our feelings right now though, we need to bottle them up so we can help Grace. She doesn't accept help, so we need to pretend like nothing is going on. We need to move on like we always do, we need to ignore the situation until it goes away. We need to ignore everyone else's depression until it gets better or we get happier.
I know I am not the priority in this family, I know that I am the last person to care about because everyone else has really important things to deal with. I don't want to get hug because I'm finally home so I can take care of Grace because my mother is too tired to do it anymore. I want to be held and be loved, I want to let go. I want to be able to say everything I need to say. I want freedom from my emotions. I want freedom from everything.
I have 17 years of emotions that are bottled up, I'm breaking down, the bottle is too full.. it's coming out tear drop by tear drop.
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| What is in your summer playlist?This summer I actually have only really been listening to one playlist and then if I find a new song then I'll just add that on there, so I guess that'll be my "summer playlist".
1. Hot N Cold- Katy Perry
2. Get By- Talib Kweli
3. Fuck Was I- Jenny Owen Youngs
4. Surprise, Surprise- Celine Dion
5. Hard To Concentrate- Red Hot Chili Peppers
6. Paper Planes- MIA
7. Queen of Apology- The Sounds
8. Creatures For Awhile- 311
9. It's About Time- Barcelona
10. Back In Your Head- Tegan and Sara
11. Umbrella- Scott Simons
12. That Green Gentleman- Panic! At The Disco
13. Amber- 311
14. All The Same- Sick Puppies
15. Flake- Jack Johnson
Meh, that's pretty much all I listen to.. quality.
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| I work at Arby's.I'm growing up and it scares the shit out of me. I need to figure out where/what I want to do next year, I wish I could get a high GPA or do well on my test scores. But, alas, that isn't happening and my chances at getting into a 4 year college are so slim it makes me want to cry. I don't know what career path I want to go in, I don't know what I'm good at, I don't know what will make my family proud of me and what won't. Really, if it was up to me, I'd go to the local tech school and take a year to regroup. But, as much as my parents tell me it IS up to me, it really isn't. It's what they want, they don't want to look like they "failed" as parents. Even though, a lot of people go to tech schools and transfer the next year.
They don't want me living on my own, they don't want me going to a school that doesn't include dorms, they want me in some college where there can be RA's watching what I do. I'm simply not good enough, I'm not being modest or insecure.. it's just that. My GPA is like 2.5, it's not terrible but it's not good enough to get into a decent school around here. My ACT score was 17 and I already took it twice and it made no difference, and I have so much anxiety about the test it doesn't even seem worth it to take it again and waste another $60 just to get the same exact score yet another time. Schools want at least a 22, the schools I want to get into wants at LEAST a 22. That's far away. I haven't really succeeded very much in any classes except Yearbook and Phy. Ed, my other classes I hardly passed and the only reason I did was because the teachers like me.
That's all I'm good at, persuading people to do what I want them to do and being able to get myself out of trouble. I know how to talk to people, I know how to make people laugh, I know how to keep people occupied for 10 minutes. But where's that going to get me?
That's how I'm feeling right now. =)
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| Police.Why do police have to be such assholes? We get pulled over, get questioned, I had no idea what was going on, they yell at everyone to get out of the car and after a half a second they open our doors and grab us out. I hadn't been doing any drugs at all that night, so I had NO idea what was going on since I didn't know the people I was with were doing them. They asked me if there were any illegal things in the vehicle and I responded, "I really don't think so." After they had the drug dogs come and sniff around our car, there were indeed a few things in there. The officer comes up to me, "No illegal things, eh?" and I said, "I'm very sorry, sir. I really didn't think there was anything in there." He pushes me against the car, thinking I'm a smartass, starts searching me. I asked very politely if I could get a female officer and he responded, "Buying you time won't do anything, we aren't going to call in a female officer for a little smart ass like you." He pushes my face against the car and starts to search me, after finding nothing, he doesn't believe it, so he searches me once again. Finds nothing, since I haven't done any drugs for a very long time. He gets angry and get another officer to look at me. The officer says, "I think this one might be okay, her eyes look fine."
After I see my two best friends get cuffed and put in the cars, they tell me I can get back into the car and call for a ride. I call my friend, having no idea where we are, I get out of the car and walk up to the officer saying, "Sir, I don't know where we are. Could you please tell my friend directions?" He snatches my phone out of my hand, gives her directions, gives my phone back, and yells at me to get back into the car. As I walk back to the car, he stops me, asks me why I'm shaking and asks me more questions on what we did that night. I told him I was nervous, and that we went to visit a friend. He eyes me up head to toe, then tells me to get my "ass in the car".
My ride comes 10 minutes later, I start to get out, and get yelled to get back in the car. He checks my friend's ID then finally comes and gets me and says that I can go.
No goodbye, no sorry for everything that happened and you were in a bad situation you shouldn't have been in, just a "go now". No "sorry for slamming your head into my car" or "sorry for putting my hands almost up your crotch".
I just went home, cried, then went to bed and pretended it was a dream.
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