| | thoughts on everythingIt will be a year since I've graduated,
and about 8 months since I could have really
began job hunting.
I really ended up turning September through
December into a long ass brainstorm for my website
and my own stupidity of holding onto hopeless hopes.
December was when the ideas finally snapped and began
to actually churn into something good.
I gave myself a good deadline to finish the site
and it worked rather well.
The site came together but the text didn't seem right.
That took me into January when it finally looked and felt right.
It went up.. and as I was finally feeling set to show it to
potential jobs, life took an unexpected turn.
I let the bad news of my cousin and my mother
put me into a bad spot.
I gave all the attention and emotions possible...
but I also let them linger into the productive aspect.
I needed to keep working on getting what needed to be done, done.
I didn't.
I stopped.
I just worked.
I worked to make money,
worked to make money so I could pay for the vacation
that would get me away from my life.
The trip that did do that, was well worth the attention to
working at Starbucks.
BUT, I really let it break me down.
I've always known it was my college job,
but I knew it was supporting me
and felt I had to give it my all.
I have.. but I don't want to anymore.
My love for the place, the people, the experience...
yes it may still exist, but I'm destined for what I am love to do.
Not what I love to do because it's paying me.
I want to do what I love because I love it.
How did I stray so far?
This entry is being written quickly
as I am about to write another cover letter.
I have one application out at an amazing place
with my friends working in HR there and other departments...
it seems so hopeful.
I cannot put all my eggs in one basket though.
I need to keep applying. I will have plenty of time to hear,
but I never will if I keep stalling in order to exhaust myself at Starbucks.
I care too much there, enough so that I am coming home dead.
Dead tired.. dead exhausted.. and not as appreciated as I was for so long.
Appreciation is shit though, if it exists or doesn't.
Why be there.. yes it pays the bills.. and I've come to believe in what I do there.
But It will not go on forever, nor do I want it to.
Now is the time to get myself out there...
come out of my winter hibernation..
accept my cousin is gone...
be there for my mom during chemo...
and show her I will get myself out there..
and live on in my own life with the memory of Tim and
work hard to fill in the emptiness that was cut short in his life.
He is an entire entity.. a whole person who would have breathed
our air, spent our time, worked his ass of in college, enjoyed and taken life to the fullest.
I need to incorporate the loss of him into a bit of myself moving forward
and making more of this life.
I cannot care about my job now,
I must live with where I am,
do my best at it,
but not waste myself away on it.
Especially when it is only a place holder.
It needs to just hold it's place...
until it's done.
Time to start typing... for real.
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| | Posted 4/1/2008 11:32 AM - 0 comments
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