February 9^th 2004

Well.. The whole thing about saying my mom and Eric weren’t going to make my weekend shit. Wrong. Actually... Eric and I got along fuckin great all weekend, but the whole thing with my mom was a pure MESS. Yesterday (Sunday) my mom and I made plans to "hang out" and "talk." We ended up going to No Frills in Aylmer, but it was so busy we said fuck it and left. We drove around the back roads all the way back to St. Thomas, went to IGA to pick up some things, and then headed over to the park. She decided to stop in a spot, and then we were going to walk. Well- she lit up a smoke right away. I wanted to punch her. There’s SO many things that we talked about, I wont even be able to recollect half of them. I think it all started when she said "So.. You don’t like talking to me eh?" and I said something like "Well I really fuckin hate it when you smoke". We got into a discussion about smoking, and how I hate that she does it, and I see no point for it, it’s just a waste of money- money that we don’t have. And its only making her die faster. She cried so many tears, I swear I could have filled a swimming pool with them. She told me A LOT of things. Like.. How she never see’s where any of the money she makes goes (apparently dad "holds on" to it all). She think’s that he has a secret bank account, so that if she ever left him, he’d have money and she wouldn’t. I can see that their relationship isn’t healthy at all. And honestly.. I love my mom and all, but if she’s going to be happier without my dad, then I don’t understand why she wouldn’t walk away from it. She said that through everything that’s happened between them the whole time Shane and I were growing up- the only reason she didn’t leave him, was because she didn’t want us growing up without a father (because she did). She told me how grandpa (my "step grandpa") used to never be home because he was always at the golf course, or out drinking. I’ve never really had a close relationship with him. Or my grandparents on my dad’s side for that matter. And I’ve never really regretted not talking to them, or spending time with them. My grandma Wood think’s Im fuckin 14! She obviously doesn’t want to know anything about me, and if that’s the case, then I don’t need to associate with her, or both my grandpa’s for that matter. I never realized how dysfunctional my family really was. On both sides. My mom told me she feels like she’s trapped. My dad treats her like crap. I can’t even recall the last time I saw them hug. I mean- if they don’t even love each other.. Why stay together? My mom told me that my dad got fired from Varta (Erics dad used to work with my dad there) for stealing, and came home and punched my mom in the face. If I was my mom, I would have left so fast he wouldn’t know what to do. That’s why she asked me if Eric’s ever hit me... because I told her that he has a temper problem- just like his dad. I really felt bad for my mom yesterday though. I’ve never stopped to think about her feelings. She’s always been the kind of person who never puts out her feelings, and I guess it was a good thing that we talked. Even though it was only for about an hour- she really made an impact on the way I see a lot of things. I kind of hate my dad for things now, but I guess you can’t change the past. I wonder if he even regrets hitting her? Or not wanting to change my or feed me when I was little because it was my "Moms job". What kind of attitude is that? Then again.. He’s always been kind of ignorant. I really didn’t know what to say to my mom yesterday, except what I felt. She said she wants to see a phyc, but I told her that involves money. And until my dad is back to work and we’re rolling in money, she’s going to have to learn how to deal with things on her own, and look out for no one but herself. That’s something she never does... look out for herself, and her needs and HER. Blah... I really don’t know how my family.. Or what I thought was my family, could turn out to have so many problems. I do know, that for a fact- Im not going to be like them when I turn into a parent. On a brighter note, Eric and I are getting along great. We both agreed that maybe we’re getting "antsy" with each other because we see each other everyday (and we knew this would happen). Im just happy that we’re still together and I know we will be for a long time. Im really excited for Valentines day! First time I’ve ever had a boyfriend during the day of love lol. So much to say about that kid. I love him to pieces.I guess I should go though, I have 2 tests tomorrow. I think Im going to do fine on them though- I haven’t fallen behind in any of my classes yet, and I don’t plan on it. Im also hoping that Liz calls tomorrow concerning my orientation at Tim Hortons lol. Finally, Im going to be working again. It’s going to take a lot of getting used to. O0o0- PS: I lost one pound last week! So happy =) See ya tomorrow!

Congradulations if you read it all.