Thursday, July 24, 2008

• "Jealousy is nothing more than a fear of abandonment”

  Bella and I were quite crushed for other people (before we knew each other) on the internet...
  After we got together we both put that aside and just cared for one another. One day I thought it was a good idea to make both of those girls friends, after all she was in Love with this other guy and she introduced him to me, and if she thought it was a good idea, maybe it would work with her right?
  
  Well we all talked and she got very untalkative and stuff... I knew she (bella) was a bit jealous and so I told her if she wants i'll never talk to her (the other girl) again, she said that its not that bad, but she never told me - not to - do it either, so in other words, she didn't want to admit thats she liked for that to happen... I guess.
  
  But now she has been talking this other guy that she used to love again... =/ and frankly I wonder if I should talk to her about this or not. I admit... I am jealous, but I have a right to be, because I know just how much she (used to?) likes him. Is it fair that she doesn't want me to talk to my old friend but she gets to? =/
  
  Your probably thinking that it was my decision to do so for her, and that she doesnt have to do the same for me, but I felt so pushed to do that because everytime she would go iffy with me, not a lot, but she just paused talking with me and went moody.
  
  I already had the opportunity to visit this other girl (she lives far away) if I wanted to, but I would have never dared to do that to my Angel... =/
  
  I guess I'm just being too selfless whilst expecting her to do the same, And that she shouldnt have to do that.
  
  Its just that... We had such a big fight once... and she didnt talk to me at all =/
  She was so quick to get closer to all these other guys... I fear they were 2 she liked, another she was in love with and frankly being so far away from her, when I found all this out I was fearing I'd loose her for sure.
  
  This was all nearly a year ago, but it still creeps in the back of my mind. Why txt him instead of me? Why is she keeping in touch with guys she got close to? Why does she not like the idea of telling boys to keep their distnace? Yes I am  a bit paranoid... But have I not got a reason when I found out that she still talked to a guy after cheating on me with him? That she was in love with the same boy she disguised as her best friend?
  
  And thinking back to those times she talked about him
  "ewww, I could never"
  "Why can't a girl and a boy be friends without liking each other?"
  And at the same time she wrote all those blogs about him.
  
  I can't talk to her about this because it guilt trips her... and it isn't what I want to do, it really isn't. But tmaybe she needs to realize that the guilt is not my fault but hers.
  
  Yet I forgive her =/ even though she broke my heart so bad those times. She helps to pick up those little pieces, but at the end it seems that she expects me to flick it all together again... I know  that If I talk to her about this or show her my doubts/paranoidness she will get mad at me =/ and I want her to have her freedom.
  
  I love her so much... Sometimes I wonder if it really is me she wants, or if she still wants to be with one of those other guys.
  
  I should just let it go...
  I'm being stupid right? =/
  Maybe I just need to give her a break about all this. Hoping that what she tells me is how she truly feels =[
  
  I love you bella.
  
  

  • 11:57 AM
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