So, its been a while since I have updated but I must something positive before I get all negative because you know its the life of Zachary and that is something that always happens, but I must say that I kno some people with some traditional values of love, family and life man. Like its so messed up how everything just is nto the same anymore, like relationships are not the same, people are not the same and society just is not the same. Its just so crazy and i'm so happy that I know people who are actually lookin for love in anyway, friendship, romance, or even expanding the family. Its just so crazy how people in this world just don't even understand the meaning of love but seem to just use it everyday. If anybody remembers, love is suppose to be something happy, something that brings light to your life and makes you hold on at the worse moments of your life, something that makes you feel warm and protects you, not giving you a FUCKING BLOW JOB. Like gosh, what the hell is wrong with everybody.

And I also would like to view about how some people are so ignorant, like its just everyday someone ignorant happens to step on my fucking door step, like today telling me that who I am is a choice, but you know I must say if this was a choice do you think I would of stuck with all of this bullshit for so long. Do you honestly think that i would of woke up everyday of high school with a straight face and being happy in reality I was really fucking dying from being disconnected from everyone my age in my life just because of who I am. Do you really think that i would sit here everyday and take discriminating comments or being worried about going over to someones house you don't know because they might not agree with who you are. The world is so crazy now a days who knows what people would do, its already shown that hate crimes are just over throwing America. How can you truly know that you are safe? Because you don't especially being a homosexual. So my point is if this was a fucking choice I would of ran a long time ago and put this behind me because I would not want to go through all of the shit that I have gone through in my life. Its because its who I am, i stick by that and I always have. And I am proud to this day of the person that I have become, and I a can even be more proud of my sexuality than anything because its who I am. Its not a choice, its not something that I want to be, its not something that is different, ITS WHO I AM. plain and simple and why would anyone question that? The world is so fucked up so what i'm trying to say is i'm not trying to justify that i'm proud to be gay and all the shit i've gone through, i'm justifying that people are fucking retarded and don't think before they speak because in reality no one is better than me nor am I better than them. I pitty those who judge me and treat me like shit because in reality they are missing out on someone who actually has the courage and strength to be nice to people that treat him like shit.

So I've found myself at home today just doing nothing and it has just got me thinking. As i've been scrolling peoples myspaces and thinking about what my life use to be like and what it is now it is just crazy. Its crazy how many people I know and people that I don't know are in so many different areas in there life right now. Some are out at college living there dreams living in a dorm having a good time, and others are married with childeren or have someone pregnant and are just trying to afford a kid. And here I am again, in this same place that i have been all a long, just thursting more and more each day for some sort of pure love.

Its crazy how when you want something so bad you will sometimes pretend that it is possibly there when you knew all along that it wasn't, or wasn't even going to work out. Life is just crazy like that I guess its possible that in some moments you just make yourself blind. I guess no one will ever understand why life is so unfair but here I am again, wondering, wanting just a man to love me. It just doesn't make sense to me... gosh its messed up especially because i think I deserve to be happy with someone thats all I have really ever wanted. ... Its crazy how deep within yourself you get sometimes and it makes you wonder who you really are, and if you could change for the better..... whether its apperance wise, or just socially. I just wish I could find it in myself to make some changes and just maybe turn my life around for something better instead of it being the same old thing, like working a full time job and being un happy with no money and no fucking MAN.... all in all it just fucking sucks and here i am thinking, but thats enough for today.... I can't wait till megan gets off so i can smoke a bowl and calm down these thoughts I have.

And here I am again

the same place that I was years ago

I'm still that person craving and wanting love, its all i've ever wanted was one man to be there for me. Even if my life is off balance that one person who can just make me feel like everything is going to be alright, because i'm starting to wonder about life and the world. Everything just seems to be getting worse and worse and there is nothing stopping it. I think the most thing that I don't understand are people. I don't get how they can just pretend to be someone but in reality want so much more. I don't get how someone can expect me to sit here and wait for them to be ready. At one point i thought maybe, wow I really do mean something to this guy he is taking the time to get to know me more and flirts with me, but now i'm just wondering if its another act. I don't understand it really, why would you want to play with someones emotions? Especially if you claim to have a good values and come from a good family, maybe its just an mirage maybe things aren't so good for you but it seems they are.

I just wish I could know the truth, I wonder all the time if I really do mean something to you but at the end of the day you just show me that you could care less for me and my feelings. I can't beleive that I actually thought that you might come around and have the courage to be who you truly are. I use to think that maybe I could help you by getting to know to know that it is ok and that maybe it would help. But I've found out at the end of the day that its not going to happen, and I shoudlnt' of thought I could change you in the first place, because no one can. Its crazy I use to have so many good feelings for you but now that i'm starting to realize the truth, I feel sorry for you.

I'm tired of feeling like shit for someone who i don't even mean anything to. Its pretty pointless and i'm done doing it. I am someone who is true to themself. I know who i am and i couldn't be more proud of who I am. If people only knew how hard it is to be gay, its no picnic. Imagine people everyday lookin at you different and giving you judgeful remarks or even dirty faces for just being yourself. I just honestly don't know how i've made it this far because I look back at my past and remember how hard it was at first. How somedays I didn't think that I could go on because I didn't even know who I was and me being who I was was just way to hard. I just wonder why people can be so cruel and just not accept people for who they are, but instead i'm shut out of peoples lives everyday for being who I am. Me and my people are known as a waste to society and being aids infested. Apparently we have no values at all and just want promiscuous (sp) sex. If they only knew at the end of the day all we want is freedom and equal values. and some fucking respect.

well that is my vent for the day.. lol

I'm starting to find things so hard to understand more and more. I don't understand how me and my bestfriend can put so much faith and so much love into one guy and just get nothing in return, but confusion. The only thing we want is to find love and it just seems thats the one thing that we can't find. I'm so sick of doing so many nice things for someone and then at the end of the day you wonder if it was even appreciated. I don't get how people can be so confusing, its like they say something and then at the end of the day they mean something different. Do you want me in your life, do you want more? I've done told you that I need to move on with my life but its like you won't let me. are you keeping me there for a reason? I wonder, all the time and sometimes I wonder if your even worth it. I mean besides your good looks and your charm do I really know you? It seems that i'm starting to realize that i dont and I just wish I knew the real you whoever that is, because I think i know deep down inside that person is beautiful and amazing because I can already see it in you. I just wish you knew how much i truly do care about you even if I do sound crazy but its the truth. I feel the connection that we have its in our words some of our actions and definatly our body language, I just dont' get how you can keep denying your feelings. They say that life and love is about sacrifices and the ones you make could affect your life. But I just don't see why i'm doing it, I've done made the sacrifice of getting so involved with you and having such deep feelings for you and then at the end of the day just getting more crushed. I've made the sacrifice of being myself around you and letting you know how I truly feel, and definatly letting you into my heart. I just don't get how you can be so calm about everything, because sometimes I feel like I mean so much to you and then other times its like i'm the last person on earth that you even think about. I don't get how you expect me to be there for you when you know i want to, but put me in the most awkard situation and you know that its whats tearing us and keeping us apart. I just don't think I can do it the mroe I think about it the more I realize that i'm just going to see how much you really are living a lie and I just can't stand to see you do that to yourself, even though everyday I do. At the end of this I just want to say whatever may happen, if I end up moving on, if you end up blowing me away without me expecting it, or if you break me worse, I just want you to know that I think I might know who you are inside, and I think that person is beautiful and always will be and I think I mean more to you thank I think.

So i've found something out thats very important.... in these past two years after high school i'm not sure the person i've become. I wish I knew who I was somtimes because I just really don't know what to do anymore. I just have to keep thinking could it be my past? Why do I crave attention maybe its because every guy that i've depended on has let me down... my first love, my own father who has forgot my birthday more times than I can remember, and not once ever spent time with me or did anything with me. I"m not really sure I can't blame other people but it just makes me wonder. I wish I could be a different person, someone that knew what i was doing with my future someone that knew things were going to be ok, but right now i'm not really sure if they are. I work at a dead end job with no pay sometimes i'm not really sure how smart I am because my whole life i've just been put down as not being so bright. I wonder all the time whats going to happen to me and my future, its just messed up how people think that you don't think about it but when really its something that consumes you everyday. Something that you say, gosh am I going to make it, am I going to be happy or am I just going to fail myself and everyone else that I really care about. I just wish that I could be happy and actually make my friends happy. The only thing that I truly want is love. I just want to have someone who cares about me as much as I care about them. I want to actually have a deep and close family even if i'm not sure if my own brother remotely loves me. I talk to him about 3 times a year, he never calls he doesn't even know whats going on in my life. I"m not sure I think its because i'm gay he's always been uncomfortable with it. I just wish maybe sometimes that I could be a different person so I could of had the bond that my brothers had together. It would just be nice to have him to talk too because I honestly do miss him and care about him a lot. Ever since I was a child I looked up to him and I doubt he even knows that. Its funny how many people will despise you for who you are, even your own family. I mean fuck i'm discriminated against everyday by people I don't even know. I'm so sick of it, i'm sick of apparently being me is wrong and i'm sick of people that fuck with my mind. I 'm just sick of everything and I just don't know anything anymore.... I just don't