Finally saying goodbye

Last week I was driving down a road that I hadn’t been on for a very long time.  It also happened to be one of the ways to get out to my ex-boyfriend, TJ’s, house.  TJ and I dated for 9 months when we were sophomores in high school (which was almost 6 years ago).  We went to different schools, so we didn’t see each other until we started working together when we were seniors, so we became friends again.  After we graduated, we didn’t stay in contact, and I don’t even remember when the last time I talked to him was.  It was probably 3 ½ years ago.  Last November, TJ got into a car accident and died.  It was weird how even though I hadn’t talked to him in quite some time, it still affected me as much as it did.  The week that he died, I probably cried at least once a day.  And during his funeral... well lets just say it's a good thing that they have waterproof mascara.  But I felt bad for crying like I did.  I felt bad for being so upset.  Because altho we dated for nine months, and then were friends again when we were seniors, I hadn't talked to him for years.  After I stopped working at Cenex, I think I talked to him maybe twice.  All the other girls from Lakota who were at the funeral were a lot closer to him than I was, because they went to school with him and saw him everyday.  I didn't.  A couple months after the funeral I was talking to Lisa and she understood why I would have felt the way I did, but reasured me that I had reason to be sad and to cry.  Which helped a lot.

            On the way to my dentist appointment last week(which was the reason I was driving this road), I started to cry when I got close to the point in which I would turn onto a different road to get to his house.  It was sad to think that one of the last times I drove down this road (albeit 6 years ago) was to go visit him.  I was able to push the sadness out of my head for the appointment (didn’t really want to be crying in front of my dentist while he’s trying to clean my teeth), but on the way back from the appointment, I found myself turning down the road that I took to get to his house.  I didn’t know if I’d even be able to remember how to get to his house, but sure enough, I remembered which corner to turn at.  His parents have moved from their old house, so it’s old and abandoned now and looks quite different than I remembered it looking.  No one was around, which was probably a good thing, since I sat in their driveway with my car turned off and sobbed and sobbed.  It finally felt like I’d said goodbye to TJ. 

You come to me with scars on your wrist.
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this.

I just came to say good bye
Didn't want you to see me cry
I'm fine

But I know it's a lie


This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be

The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I wont let go
I'm everything you need me to be

Your parents say everything is your fault
but they don't know you like I know you
they don't know you at all

I'm so sick of when they say
"Its just a phase you'll be ok
You're fine"

But I know it's a lie

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be

The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I wont let go
I'm everything you need me to be

(The last night
away from me)

Tonight is so long when everythings wrong
If you give me your hand
I will help you hold on

Tonight
Tonight

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be

The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I wont let go
I'm everything you need me to be

I won't let you say goodbye
And I'll be your reason why
The last night
away from me
away from me

Maid of honor speech

For those of you that don't know, I'm Angie, Laurie's younger sister.

I'm three years younger than her, which put me at the perfect age difference to annoy the heck out of her.  Growing up, I wanted to be just like her-- I liked the same things as she did, followed her around, wanted to play along when she had friends over and it drove her nuts.  An she let me know that too.

But getting older, that 3 year difference has turned into a positive thing.  Not only do I have a sister, but I have a best friend, too.  I had someone to look up to, to go to for advice, and to watch & learn from.  As I've grown up, I've looked at my sister and the things she's accomplished, and have hoped that I can do that too.

I see how amazing of a person she is, how well she's done in school, how happy she is, ad how much she loves Paul, and I hope that someday I'll be able to be as successful, in love, and happy as she is.

She's managed to get one great guy.  I'm honored to be able to call you my brother, Paul. Welcome to the family.  I honestly believe that I'm not losing a sister-- I'm gaining a brother.

I wish you two all the best in the future.  You deserve it & I love you both.

wtf

How is it, I go from having the past two years w/ everyone thinking of me as just a friend... nothing more

...

to now, having two guys interested in me at once?  And for once, it's guys that I would consider dating  (well, one of them for sure, since I'm just waiting for him to ask me out...)

...

Why does life have to be so damn confusing and cruel?

At least he's ok...

So this is actually something I wrote on Wednesday in my myspace, but I am copying it onto here.

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O.M.G.   I'm completly speechless & on the verge of tears.  I can barely breathe right now...

I'm going to start this off by telling of a dream that I had a few nights ago.  I dreamt (dreamed??) that Matt Loken, like pretty much one of my best friends, got into a car accident & died.  It was so real to me... in my dream, our mutual friend Mike called me to tell me, and we even went to the funeral together.  I woke up as like we were walking into the church, but when I woke up I realized I started to cry in my sleep.  I've never done that before.

So today I was looking at Matt's facebook profile, going to write on his wall, and I noticed he had a new photo album called "Why Matt is truckless" or something like that.  So I looked at the pictures, and I am not sure what day this happened, just like yesterday or Saturday, but he rolled his truck & totalled it.  I don't know if he was hurt at all... he obviously wasn't hurt badly, but still... looking at those pictures scared me sooooo much.  I cannot even imagine loosing Matt.  He's like my best friend.  It scares the crap out of me to even think of him not being in my life.

I know he wasn't hurt badly, but seeing those pictures... after having that dream... is really really really really creepy.  How coincidental that I have a dream that he gets into a car accident and then like 3 days later he actually does. 

Maybe it's a sign telling me not to take my relationship w/ him for granted.  Last year we didn't get to hang out that much.  We were both really busy, and it will probably be just as bad or worse this year, but I think this has told me that no matter how busy we are, we have to set aside time to hang out & talk. 

OMG... I can't even breathe right now... all I can think of is how much worse it could be... I ... I just can't even imagine my life w/out him in it.

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He's ok.  I haven't been able to really talk to him because he doesn't get good cell reception at his shack, but I have talked to him a little on facebook.  He's ok.  I'm just so glad that he's ok. 

I have not even known him for two full years, but it seems like we've been friends forever.  I don't know why, but he's one of the few people that I will listen to.  If I've done something, and other people get disappointed in me, it won't be a big deal... but if I've let him down... then I feel like crap.  It's kind of funny how everyone that we meet thinks we're dating.  I don't know why... but we put off the vibe of either we are dating, or else we have been friends for a long time.  It's kinda funny that we do.

All I know is that I hope I never have to live w/out him being in my life.  And I know he feels the same way, cause he's told me.  Even thinking about him not being there is making me tear up right now.