BrownEyedxXxGurl's Xanga

Finally saying goodbye

Fri, 27 Jun 2008 01:23:10 GMT

Last week I was driving down a road that I hadn’t been on for a very long time. It also happened to be one of the ways to get out to my ex-boyfriend, TJ’s, house. TJ and I dated for 9 months when we were sophomores in high school (which was almost 6 years ago). We went to different schools, so we didn’t see each other until we started working together when we were seniors, so we became friends again. After we graduated, we didn’t stay in contact, and I don’t even remember when the last time I talked to him was. It was probably 3 ½ years ago. Last November, TJ got into a car accident and died. It was weird how even though I hadn’t talked to him in quite some time, it still affected me as much as it did. The week that he died, I probably cried at least once a day. And during his funeral... well lets just say it's a good thing that they have waterproof mascara. But I felt bad for crying like I did. I felt bad for being so upset. Because altho we dated for nine months, and then were friends again when we were seniors, I hadn't talked to him for years. After I stopped working at Cenex, I think I talked to him maybe twice. All the other girls from Lakota who were at the funeral were a lot closer to him than I was, because they went to school with him and saw him everyday. I didn't. A couple months after the funeral I was talking to Lisa and she understood why I would have felt the way I did, but reasured me that I had reason to be sad and to cry. Which helped a lot.

On the way to my dentist appointment last week(which was the reason I was driving this road), I started to cry when I got close to the point in which I would turn onto a different road to get to his house. It was sad to think that one of the last times I drove down this road (albeit 6 years ago) was to go visit him. I was able to push the sadness out of my head for the appointment (didn’t really want to be crying in front of my dentist while he’s trying to clean my teeth), but on the way back from the appointment, I found myself turning down the road that I took to get to his house. I didn’t know if I’d even be able to remember how to get to his house, but sure enough, I remembered which corner to turn at. His parents have moved from their old house, so it’s old and abandoned now and looks quite different than I remembered it looking. No one was around, which was probably a good thing, since I sat in their driveway with my car turned off and sobbed and sobbed. It finally felt like I’d said goodbye to TJ.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Mon, 29 Oct 2007 03:30:41 GMT

You come to me with scars on your wrist.
You tell me this will be the last night feeling like this.

I just came to say good bye
Didn't want you to see me cry
I'm fine

But I know it's a lie

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be

The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I wont let go
I'm everything you need me to be

Your parents say everything is your fault
but they don't know you like I know you
they don't know you at all

I'm so sick of when they say
"Its just a phase you'll be ok
You're fine"

But I know it's a lie

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be

The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I wont let go
I'm everything you need me to be

(The last night
away from me)

Tonight is so long when everythings wrong
If you give me your hand
I will help you hold on

Tonight
Tonight

This is the last night you'll spend alone
Look me in the eyes so I know you know
I'm everywhere you want me to be

The last night you'll spend alone
I'll wrap you in my arms and I wont let go
I'm everything you need me to be

I won't let you say goodbye
And I'll be your reason why
The last night
away from me
away from me

Maid of honor speech

Sat, 13 Oct 2007 21:57:06 GMT

For those of you that don't know, I'm Angie, Laurie's younger sister.

I'm three years younger than her, which put me at the perfect age difference to annoy the heck out of her. Growing up, I wanted to be just like her-- I liked the same things as she did, followed her around, wanted to play along when she had friends over and it drove her nuts. An she let me know that too.

But getting older, that 3 year difference has turned into a positive thing. Not only do I have a sister, but I have a best friend, too. I had someone to look up to, to go to for advice, and to watch & learn from. As I've grown up, I've looked at my sister and the things she's accomplished, and have hoped that I can do that too.

I see how amazing of a person she is, how well she's done in school, how happy she is, ad how much she loves Paul, and I hope that someday I'll be able to be as successful, in love, and happy as she is.

She's managed to get one great guy. I'm honored to be able to call you my brother, Paul. Welcome to the family. I honestly believe that I'm not losing a sister-- I'm gaining a brother.

I wish you two all the best in the future. You deserve it & I love you both.

wtf

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 02:13:51 GMT

How is it, I go from having the past two years w/ everyone thinking of me as just a friend... nothing more

...

to now, having two guys interested in me at once? And for once, it's guys that I would consider dating (well, one of them for sure, since I'm just waiting for him to ask me out...)

...

Why does life have to be so damn confusing and cruel?

At least he's ok...

Sat, 04 Aug 2007 06:15:16 GMT

So this is actually something I wrote on Wednesday in my myspace, but I am copying it onto here.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

O.M.G. I'm completly speechless & on the verge of tears. I can barely breathe right now...

I'm going to start this off by telling of a dream that I had a few nights ago. I dreamt (dreamed??) that Matt Loken, like pretty much one of my best friends, got into a car accident & died. It was so real to me... in my dream, our mutual friend Mike called me to tell me, and we even went to the funeral together. I woke up as like we were walking into the church, but when I woke up I realized I started to cry in my sleep. I've never done that before.

So today I was looking at Matt's facebook profile, going to write on his wall, and I noticed he had a new photo album called "Why Matt is truckless" or something like that. So I looked at the pictures, and I am not sure what day this happened, just like yesterday or Saturday, but he rolled his truck & totalled it. I don't know if he was hurt at all... he obviously wasn't hurt badly, but still... looking at those pictures scared me sooooo much. I cannot even imagine loosing Matt. He's like my best friend. It scares the crap out of me to even think of him not being in my life.

I know he wasn't hurt badly, but seeing those pictures... after having that dream... is really really really really creepy. How coincidental that I have a dream that he gets into a car accident and then like 3 days later he actually does.

Maybe it's a sign telling me not to take my relationship w/ him for granted. Last year we didn't get to hang out that much. We were both really busy, and it will probably be just as bad or worse this year, but I think this has told me that no matter how busy we are, we have to set aside time to hang out & talk.

OMG... I can't even breathe right now... all I can think of is how much worse it could be... I ... I just can't even imagine my life w/out him in it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

He's ok. I haven't been able to really talk to him because he doesn't get good cell reception at his shack, but I have talked to him a little on facebook. He's ok. I'm just so glad that he's ok.

I have not even known him for two full years, but it seems like we've been friends forever. I don't know why, but he's one of the few people that I will listen to. If I've done something, and other people get disappointed in me, it won't be a big deal... but if I've let him down... then I feel like crap. It's kind of funny how everyone that we meet thinks we're dating. I don't know why... but we put off the vibe of either we are dating, or else we have been friends for a long time. It's kinda funny that we do.

All I know is that I hope I never have to live w/out him being in my life. And I know he feels the same way, cause he's told me. Even thinking about him not being there is making me tear up right now.

My Tattoo!!

Mon, 23 Jul 2007 20:48:19 GMT

So I got my tattoo done!

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 16:31:18 GMT

Ok, so I don't know if anyone even reads this thing anymore, but I have a BIG favor to ask of everyong that reads this... even if I don't know you & you just happened to end up on my site...

I'm going to get a tattoo (on the top of my foot) & I found a couple designs that I really really like, but now I just can't decide which one to get. I originally wanted a shooting star, but the other design I really like too. Also, I have a scar on part of where the end of the shooting star would go, and I don't know if I want to/am able to get the tattoo over the scar... so I just don't know which one to do.

So my favor is this... could you PLEASE leave me a comment saying which one you like better? That's all you'd have to write... A or B. I would SO appreciate it! Thanks everyone!!

A. (this isn't where it would go... it would still go on my foot, it was just the picture of it that I found...)

B. It's kinda blurry, but it's the best I could do.

Thanks again everyone!!!!

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Sat, 21 Apr 2007 00:15:53 GMT

Hi my name is Angela Miller & I suck at life.

I am a horrible friend & don’t know why anyone would trust me with anything. I will tell everyone your secrets.

Do not leave me in charge of your fish—I will kill them & eat them. I say my eyes are brown, but they’re really black, because I am Death. I am from Mexico, where I work for the Devil. Killer, Death, Devil= stay away from me.

I am a lowly psych major because I am to short for any other major. When I get out of college, because I am a lowly psych major, I will live in Grand Forks & work in a bar.

I have weak bones, probably because I am so short, and so I will forever be in a cast of some sort.

No one will ever see me as more than a friend, so I am going to become a crazy cat lady. My first cat’s name will be Grimestad Jr. The second cat is going to be named Mathew Jr. They will be the best of cat friends and will gossip about all the other cats.

Because I suck at life, I am going to fail out of college and work as a clown in the Shrine Circus. Come see me & I’ll give you a balloon animal. I make a wicked snake.

The end.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 15:13:49 GMT

Wow. So I'm in a completely different mood/mode of thinking compared to when I wrote that last night.

Grace & I had a talk today. And it made me realize that I've been so set in my ways that I didn't consider her or anything & I realized that to make this work, compromising has to be done on both sides... including me. I need to change some of the ways I do things, as does she. That's the only way to get through this.

Funny thing is, we both thought that the other didn't want to be talking to each other. I felt like she didn't want to talk to me and she felt that I didn't want to talk to her.

Kinda makes this whole last month seem like a complete waste of time.

Moral of story-- if you have a problem with someone, especially a roommate, talk to them about it. It will probably end up just being a miscommunication or something that can be fixed easily. Don't let it resort to writing notes to each other to let them know how you feel.

I'm sorry Grace. I truely am.

Monday, March 05, 2007

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 01:18:56 GMT

OMG I seriously don't know how much more of this I can take. It's pissing me off beyond belief. I don't even want to be in my apartment anymore. Let me tell you this... the best way to ruin a friendship is to live w/ someone.

I have been getting more and more and more pissed at Grace lately. Everything she does just bugs me. She constantly moves my stuff & shuts my computer screen & my computer off.

At more towards the beginning of the year, Dave told me that she told him that she wished I would respect her more when she's sleeping and not turn on the floor lamp we have when she's sleeping. Fine... I stopped. Now I either don't turn on a light, or else I use the little desk lamp. But I need to have light to see my closet and books, ya know? And at that time, I'm not 100% sure, but I'm pretty sure she had been using my bodywash & possibly my conditioner. If you want me to respect you when you're sleeping, show me some respect and don't use my stuff.

And now recently, she ALWAYS moves my stuff. I'll have a book out on the coffee table cause I was reading and doing homework, and I'll leave it there, and pretty soon she'll move it & put in on my desk. Why can't I have my stuff on there when other's have theirs on it? Including her! She did it again today-- I was doing homework before work & I left the book & notebook on the table cause I'm not quite done, and she moved it to my desk, shut off my computer screen & speakers, but yet her labtop

I have a desk top, not a labtop, so whenever I have to use my computer, I have to go in our room. There's been times that I've come home from work and go on my computer when Grace was in the room. I don't play music or anything, I just simply do my homework, or talk on msn or check facebook or whatever, but since Christmas break Grace has started to leave the room when I come in here. And she doesn't do it subtly either. One time she like gathered all her stuff up in a huff & sighed really loudly and left. I was like ok whatever... this is my room too and I can be in here on my computer all I want. And now it's gotten to the point that if she's in our room & i come in here and go on my computer, she's go out into the living room, but if i go out there to read or something, she'll move back into the bedroom. It's like she can't even stand being in the same room as me anymore.

Since we've gotten back from President's Day Weekend, which was 2 weekends ago, she hasn't said a word to me pretty much. The only time we kinda talked was last Friday when we were watching Made on MTV before we left for class & we were talking about how completely high-schoolish the show was. But other than that, she doesn't talk to me at all. She completely ignores me. She doesn't talk to Clark really either. Just Dave. She still talks to him most of the time. We used to talk a lot during the beginning of the year. And it was great. Now she ignores me & acts like I'm not there.

And then yesterday was like the last draw. So I worked from 11:45 to 2ish & then I had to work at 4 again. So I left & came home for those 2 hours in between shifts. When I got here, Matt was here w/ Clark, washing his shirt and whatever, so we were all talking... and anyone who knows Matt knows how random he is. Like seriously... he is the most random person I've ever met. Well, for some reason he went into Dave's room & took his snowboard, went into my room & was going to hide it. So he put it up in Grace's bed & covered it w/ her blankets. I don't know why he did it, he just did. He always messes w/ Dave's room when he comes over here... so anyway... I completely forgot that Matt put it up there & then I left for work. When I got home from work I went over to Jheri's room & when I got home everyone was sleeping. Dave's snowboard was in the hallway (I'm sure he was either asleep or in his room on the phone when Grace went to sleep) & there was a note on my desk saying "If you have guests over please stay out of my bed area. Thanks." And I guess she was saying to Clark how she just didn't understand why he went into her bed and what not. The funny thing is is that Matt wasn't even my guest. Yea, I talk to him the most out of the peope living here, but yesterday, I didn't even know that he was coming over. He was here w/ Clark when I got here, so therefore he would be Clark's guest. And another thing that I thought was funny was that the paper she wrote the note on was MY sticky note... which I have on my shelf along w/ all my books, and it's behind my books & my pen holder. She she reached back there and got my sticky notes & used one of them to write me a note. YET SHE WANTS ME TO RESPECT HER! I'm sorry, but respect goes two ways, hunny. If you don't respect me & my things, it is hard for me to respect you.

I had to finally put a lock on my computer so when you take it off of the screen saver you have to put in a password cause she had been going on my computer. Pretty sure I have never visited vegweb.com, but yet it was in my internet history, and it was visited more than once. And that is not cool... if you have to use my computer, ask me. I've let Dave use my computer a couple times to send an email, because he's asked me ahead of time. And also she had downloaded songs onto my computer to listen to. You have your own computer with the same programs on it so why do you feel the need to use mine!! Go on the internet on your own computer!! I've never used yours, now have i? I think it's rediculous that I have to put a lock on my computer in my own apartment to keep people off of it.

I honestly don't know if I can make it to May living like this.