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BurntCupNoodle
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Name: Evan
Country: Afghanistan
Birthday: 10/30/1987
Gender: Male
Interests: Waiting in dark alleys to jump out and scare little kids.
Expertise: Strangling hobos with used coupons.
Occupation: Student
Industry: Hospitality
Message: message me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
11/30/2003
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| True Stories About Chuck Norris, Texas Ranger
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but
because he has run out of women.
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris
can kill him and take it.
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the
speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was
flying over the Pacific Ocean.
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the
information he wants.
If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds
till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the
face.
Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided
to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.
Chuck Norris appeared in the "Street Fighter II" video game, but was
removed by Beta Testers because every button caused him to do a roundhouse
kick. When asked bout this "glitch," Norris replied, "That's no glitch."
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths
have increased 13,000 percent.
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and
unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was
finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul
back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he
should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of
the month.
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a
stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub.
Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered,
Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the
crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could
chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME
IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his
girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't f**k with
Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this
statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of
the blast went deaf.
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK
assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard,
deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of
"beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous
of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have
Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse
kick related deaths.
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15
cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of
cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that,
Lance Armstrong.
There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway.
Chuck Norris uses ribbed condoms inside out, so he gets the pleasure.
There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.
Chuck Norris once lined up to kick the winning field goal of a high school
football game. When the football went flat, he persuaded the referees to
let him kick the field goal with a 3 month old child. Chuck roundhoused
kicked the baby 60 yards through the uprights and then proceeded to bang
every girl in the stadium.
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck
Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and
starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from
drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too
much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked
names for his left and right legs.
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera
or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no
wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He
always makes it to Oregon before you.
It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate,
but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to
him. Pirates never were very smart.
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage.
We know this beverage as Red Bull. | | |
| New background song.... Kill Bill Volume 1 was pretty good.
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| Fuck you snow crews....that's all I have to say.
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| I love Brushback.com
NBA Stars Help Stamp Out Literacy With ‘Reading Is Pointless’ Campaign
CHARLOTTE, NC-The NBA has suffered its
share of bad press in the last few years. Several players have been
arrested for drug possession and domestic abuse, and the gangster/thug
image has been hard to shake. But the league is out to prove that the
vast majority of its players are caring, committed and socially
conscious. That’s why they’re reaching out to the nation’s youth with a
new program designed to raise awareness about the perils of reading.
With the new “Reading is Pointless” campaign, the NBA is making a pitch
to stamp out literacy forever.
“What we’re trying to do is educate children – raise their awareness –
about the pointlessness of reading,” says Commissioner David Stern. “If
there’s any group of people who can attest to that, it’s NBA players.
Reading hasn’t exactly been ‘fundamental’ for these guys. Some of them
are actually illiterate. Bet you can’t guess which ones.”
The pointlessness of literacy is a subject that’s close to the hearts
of many NBA players. This isn’t some publicity ploy designed to create
a photo-op; it’s a sincere and honest effort on the part of the players
to share some of their wisdom with our nation’s youth.
“I truly believe that children are our future,” says Portland’s Bonzi
Wells. “We need to invest in them and show them all the beauty they
posses inside. We need to warn them against wasting their precious time
learning to read, when they should be spending it on other things, like
playing and watching basketball…and smoking pot”
“I’m a perfect example of someone who hasn’t benefited from reading at
all,” says Washington’s Gilbert Arenas. “I can’t even spell my own name
– I really can’t. But it hasn’t hindered me at all from achieving my
dream. And it won’t hinder the nation’s children either; provided their
dreams involve shooting, passing, or rebounding a basketball.”
Carmello Anthony, the rookie for the Denver Nuggets who left college in
his freshman year, is deeply concerned about the nation’s obsession
with literacy.
“Whenever I see a young kid reading, it always makes me sad,” Anthony
says. “What a waste of time. Look at me - I cheated my way through high
school and sailed through one year of college on a basketball
scholarship. Do you think I know how to read? Hell no. But I can ball.
And that’s what these kids need to learn. Reading is pointless.”
As part of the campaign, players will visit schools and community
centers in cities across America promoting a literacy free lifestyle.
It’s a cause many in the league can relate to, especially the ones who
actually are illiterate.
“I haven’t read a book since grade school, motherfucker,” said Rasheed
Wallace to a kindergarten class in Portland. “The only time I pick up a
paper is to read the sports page. And they got lots of pictures and
numbers and shit, so there’s really no need to read. If I were you
guys, I would give up on the reading thing. It’s fucking pointless.”
But it’s not just the illiterate players who are joining in on the
cause. Even some of the most well-read stars see little or no reason to
for children to pursue literacy.
“I can read, I just choose not to,” says Orlando’s Tracy McGrady. “When
I look back at all the hours of my life spent on reading, I just get
furious. Who’s gonna give me all that time back? The only thing I can
do now is travel the country warning kids against the dangers of
reading. If you wanna get anywhere in life, put down the books and
learn something useful.”
To make sure the message gets across to the entire nation, the NBA has
decided to film a series of public service announcements. The PSA’s
will air on Saturday mornings to reach the maximum number of young
viewers. The first ad stars Boston’s Paul Pierce, a bright young star
who knows full well the pointlessness of reading.
An excerpt from the ad: “Hi, I’m Paul Pierce. I know many of your
friends, teachers, and parents have been pressuring you to learn to
read. They may try to frighten you by telling you that’s its not cool
to be illiterate. But don’t give in to the peer pressure. Remember,
anyone who tries to teach you to read is not your friend. Reading is
pointless – whether it be a newspaper, a magazine, or a John Grisham
novel. So next time someone tries to talk you into reading, just tell
em no thanks. The less you know, the better off you are.”
So far it looks like the campaign is making a difference. Literacy has
been on a steady decline recently, and most children would rather spend
their time on more worthy pursuits, like playing video games.
One young man, 10 year old Brian Anderson of Overland Park, KS says
that the “Reading is Pointless” campaign has changed his life.
“I hate learning to read. I hate books. I wanna be like Bonzi Wells and
get baked all day and shoot hoops. That sounds like more fun than
reading and cursive and shit.”
The NBA isn’t merely giving lip service to the literacy epidemic; it's
taking action. A new program called “Hoops Instead of Books” provides
an alternative to reading by sponsoring midnight basketball leagues, a
sanctuary for those trying to resist the temptation of literacy.
“Hoops Instead of Books’ is a wonderful program,” says Stern. “It gives
kids a positive place to hang out where they won’t feel pressured to
read or write. We’ll teach them valuable life skills, like playing
basketball and purchasing basketball-related products.”
The R.I.P. campaign will also feature a pro-active initiative designed
to get books out of the hands of children. The Book Buy-Back program
will offer children cash, hoops gear, retro-jerseys, and sneakers in
exchange for reading material. The purchased reading materials will be
burned in a gigantic incinerator, thereby assuring they can’t do any
more harm then they’ve already done
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