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| I
was thinking a lot last night before I went to sleep...thinking about
my Grandpa and my mom....thinking about graduation....and thinking
about my relationships with the people I have become close with since
I've been at Tech. It's scary to wonder if those relationships
will last after college. I mean, what if i have to completely
start over. I was telling Randy how scared I was about
graduating...afraid that I would be alone. He told me not to
worry because the two of us would get through it together. That
made me happy. Sometimes I make a big deal about stupid little
things, but for some reason these things don't seem dumb to me, they
are important and no one else realizes it. I'm tired of getting
picked on.....so my ass is big, I know, i just don't like having that
fact shoved in my face everyday. And I really enjoy hanging out
with my boyfriend, what's so wrong with that? It's ok when other people
do it, but not me I guess. And yah, maybe I am constantly running
late, but for some reason I hardly think being 3 minutes late would
make a difference for anything (unless you are in the army
maybe.) It's something I need to work at, I know. I don't
always expect people to wait for me either. And being left behind
doesn't usually uspet me. It's just that in some situations I
constantly feel left behind, out of the loop, and like nothing I say or
feel ever matters. Maybe its just because I enjoy different
things. I don't know. I'm just ready for spring break and
being able to get away from everything and everybody at this
school. My sister understands me....hell, we are practically the
same person. I wish so much that we lived closer. I'm sad
because my roomie and one of my good friends moved out yesterday.
She was very sick at the beginning of the semester so she got really
behind and had to withdrawl. Housing kicked her out because of
it, which is total bull shit. She has gone 7 straight semesters
though, so she really needs this break. Only 7 more days until I
leave for California for spring break. This week is going to be
absolutely crazy with work, it sucks. I wish next week would come
sooner. Well, it's a beautiful day and I'm going to go read and
study outside. bye bye
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| its been a while since my last post. things had been looking up
for this week, but all has gone down hill since. i was really
excited because this weekend is parent's weekend and my mom and dad and
sis were supposed to come down. but my grandpa is on his last
breath of life....my mom says the doctors think he might only have
another week left. so understandabley, my mom wants to be with
him. i am heart broken and very sad about my grandpa, but trying
not to show it on the outside. my mom and aunt have been through
a lot with him. when my grandma passed away, my grandpa was still
living in CA. he was ok for a while on his own, but he soon
started to get sick and his parkinsons got worse, not to mention he was
lonely as can be. my family lived in PA at this time, and my aunt
lived in VA. we convinced him to move to VA and he lived with my
aunt, who took care of him. unfortunately, my aunt became
obsessed with his care, and made it her entire focus, driving her
husband away in the process. long after we moved to GA, my aunt
and her husband ended up splitting, and she and my grandpa moved to GA
last summer to be near us. my grandpa's condition has fluctuated
a lot since then, but has been on a steady decline for the past 4
months or so. it's hard to believe after all we've been through
that he is going to be taken away from my family. i can't even
imagine what she's going through (my mom) and how she could be so
strong. i've been complaining a lot about how certain things in
my life have been lacking in excitement....that just makes me feel all
the more selfish, knowing what my grandpa's life is like right
now. i glad that i believe in God and heaven, because otherwise I
don't know how I would ever handle loss. but i know deep down in
my heart that when God takes my grandpa away he will be happy
again...he'll get to be with my grandma, and he will feel like a
million dollars.
on a lighter note.....i turned 21 over the weekend. it was an
amazing birthday...and yet i've never been so hung over in my
life...haha. i didn't get to buy my own alcohol that night
though...so tonight i went to kroger and bought my first 6 pack, hehe,
sweetwater blue. I like it because it tastes like blueberries and
beer. also, alex and michelle and I tailgated in the kroger
parking lot after we went through wendy's drive through because the
inside was closed. it was fun, hehe. she has a card table
that came with her car (i know, it so random!) and we set that up and
ate at it. lots of people gave us funny looks, but we didnt care,
we were having a ball. well, im going to go to sleep. if u
can, say a prayer for my grandpa, thanks. good night.
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just
when i was getting my cooking confidence up....i make a cake that turns
out like this....since when do cakes form a mountain in the middle of
them?!
well, drunk week/hell week started today! randy turns 21 at midnight
tonight, then alex on wednesday, then jenn on sat!!!! the
disaster above is randy's bday cake...but all my roomies assured me
that it will still taste good!! well....off to doing physics hw. blah
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I watched the Notebook again this week...it seems like no matter how
many times I see it, the movie is still incredible and makes me cry!
I wonder when everything is going to fall into place. It seems
like my whole life I have known exactly what I want to do and where I
want to be. It's scary though, because as graduation gets closer,
I feel more and more lost about where my life is going to turn from
there. Lately I have had new feelings about this turning
point. I went to the American Meteorological Society annual
student conference this past weekend and found out that maybe I want to
go to grad school. It's so much work though, and so much more
school. But I guess I still have time to figure that out. I
am just afraid that because of my indecisiveness I am going to miss out
on so many opportunities.
I'm happy because I get to go home this weekend. I miss my
family. I think about them all the time....it's the best escape I
can find. I love getting to see my grandpa...because even though
he is very ill, its seems like every time I visit him he gets a little
bit better, just by the happiness that my love brings to him.
Randy is going home with me too which will make this trip extra
special. I wish he knew how much my family loved him.....and I am
glad that all of them are getting another chance to get to know Randy
better. I just wish that he seemed as excited about it as me.
Well it is officially February, or as my friends and I are renaming it,
"drunk month." Next week, Randy, Alex, and Jenn (3 of my best
friends) are turning 21, but unfortunately, I have 3 tests next week so
I guess I won't get to celebrate with them very much. Then, at
the end of them month, I turn 21. I guess I am the baby of the
group. But, the whole month is just going to be one big fun
party! (asside from tests of course). It's exciting becasue soon
me and all my closest friends will be legal!
I just realized that on January 30, my very best friend Molly left for
the Netherlands, and I forgot to call her. I hope she calls me
while she's there. She will be gone till summer. I have
been thinking all month that I wanted to call her before the 30th, and
I missed it. I am so excited for her, though, as much as I will
miss her! I have always wished that I could be more like Molly-so
independent and just ready to explore the world and learn anything I
can. While exploring the world would be incredible, I am just too
homey of a person to be so far away from everyone I care about.
Although, I do want to go to Greece and Ireland!! Maybe I can do that
the summer before I graduate. We will see. Well, I have
lots of homework to get too....have a wonderful day all!
~the butterfly who wishes she could fly away
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Someone once told me that when bad things happen it just means that
something all the more wonderful is about to pass upon us. I've had
many bad days this past week...filled with feelings of sadness for the
health of my grandparents, loneliness when friends have left me out, and
total frustration at the lack of understanding guys often have for
women's feelings. So where is my something wonderful? My something
wonderful is the relationship i have with my big sister....though 2000
miles away, she has been there for me every second that I have ever
needed her, especially this week. It's hard to think that only 3 years
ago our visits were so few and far between (on the span of 4 years!).
I don't know what I would do without her. I know right now she is
going through a hard time too, and all I can hope is that I can be
there for her like she has been there for me. Hooray for something
wonderfuls that turn your days into magic! | | |
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