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| I'm looking at you through the Glass... I find myself constantly wrestling with feelings of inadequacy. The many leadership roles that I have been catapulted to consume every hour of my day. "Why me?" I constantly ask myself and God. There's nothing special here. My diligence is certainly below average. I don't even look like a leader. But somehow, God sees something in me that I don't. All the great leaders in the Bible had many character flaws and were often fighting to overcome their shortcomings, right? Right? Right... The dreams aren't helping either... __ Whether she loves me or hates me that specific night, she looks so beautiful every time. My world comes to a screeching halt at the very sight of her. Feelings of hope, fear, and nostalgia paralyze me at the instance of mere eye contact. Her smile is so genuine; her touch, so gentle. What can a man ever do to deserve such beauty for himself? For that very moment, I exist only to reconcile with her, only to labor for her forgiveness. 'It was such a long time ago...I was so ignorant and foolish,' I tell her, letting my emotions pour out like the tears from my eyes. 'Please...forgive me.' She then looks at me with an expression of sympathy. Will she hug me this night, forgive me, and make me whole again, or will she dismissively walk away, not knowing that she's holding the shattered pieces of my broken heart captive? As I eagerly await for her response, I realize that I am leaving my life in her hands. 'It doesn't matter,' I think to myself. I only wish I could give her more than my life. She deserves it. She deserves everything. She stands there watching me. The warmness of her gaze speaks volumes. 'Could this be the moment that I've been waiting for?' My thoughts run wild. She approaches. This is it. Everything will be back to normal, like it once was. No more painful memories. No more scars. At last, she will understand. Praise God for this moment! She affectionately smiles, opens her mouth and says... ___ "IT'S 6:30, TIME TO WAKE UP!" a familiar voice screams. A dream? DAMN IT! Ah, yes. Of course. I dream about her all the time...But it felt SO real... I then get up, brush my teeth, and go about my day, while I anxiously await my next meeting with the beautiful girl from the past. | | |
| What's wrong? A friend was bold enough to ask this question after a day of examining my behavior. I brushed his inquiry off by insisting that I just needed a girlfriend. He wisely did not buy it. After a few moments of awkward silence, the questions continued. What's wrong? I told him I was hungry while refusing to make eye contact. My dismissive tone was not reassuring him at all. What's wrong? I responded with I was tired while faking fatigue in a manner that was not convincing. He knew better. What's wrong? He kept firing the question. His determination rivaled that of a squirrel trying to break open a walnut. There was only one problem for my friend, however: This nut was not going to crack.
What's wrong? The truth is that this question has echoed in my mind for quite some time now. The echoing was further intensified after I noticed myself practicing evasive tactics on the persistent friend of mine.
How does one answer a question that he/she does not know the answer to?
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Widespread confusion ushers in a new season of change...
A
handful of people in my life have been yanked from the comfort and
solace of their familiar lifestyles and currently find themselves in
the unaccustomed territory of critical decision making. I, too, am
included in this of batch of perplexed individuals. Circumstances have
taken an unexpected turn for the worst and now we find ourselves faced
with a dilemma: Stay and cling to the past and what we have once held
dear, hoping that it will be restored to the place we once knew, or
abandon a sinking ship of needy individuals and move on in search of
stability and hope. The clock is ticking...
This is a defining moment in all of our lives and I only pray that we seek God in this time of dire need.
Note: In order to protect the identities of those involved, I was being intentionally vague.
Edit:
On the bright side, I'm taking a summer school Psychology class. I am
absolutely loving it. I will update later on certain interesting
ideas that caught my attention.
Goodnight and God bless.
-Andrey
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Is this for real?
From time to time, I question whether I, too, lead the hollow life of
those that I so often internally criticize. Am I really living an
abundant life and making my existance as meaningful as possible?
While continually wrestling with an overwhelming feeling of loneliness,
I find myself disoriented - lacking a clear sense of direction and
foundation. The number of quality relationships in my life is steadily
decreasing. My mind is regularly consumed with thoughts from the past,
thus abandoning its concept of the now and the future. More times than
not, I feel powerless over negative habits that I constantly attempt to
do away with. Fear is a product of powerlessness and, therefore, I must
also confess that I am afraid.
Sympathy? I ask for none. I acknowledge that I am not the only one in
this predicament. Many of you are also searching for purpose, meaning or understanding. Let us not
forget, however, that God is faithful.
I kept it short. Sweet? You be the judge.
Goodnight and God bless.
-Andrey
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A big "Thank you" to the people that read my last entry in its entirety. I put much thought in my posts and it means a lot to me that some people care enough to read it all. Much love. :)
The conversations I had in the recent week and the meticulous mental notes I have taken have been of paramount significance in reaching my goal of self-discovery. I have reached the following two conclusions:
1. I am/was not as bad of a person as I thought I was. Granted, some people may grimace at the sound of my name or not want to have anything to do with me at all, but I can honestly say that I have acknowledged my mistakes and have made attempts for reconciliation. I can also say that I have forgiven all people that have offended me in any way, whether they apologized for it or not. This, by no means, makes me a candidate for sainthood, but it is definitely a start.
2. Time to move on. Many people say that I think too much or that I am too hard on myself. I do not deny these claims, however I do feel that I am a better person because of them. Unfortunately though, my tendency is to allow some of my thoughts and/or assessments to bring me to a state of sadness or "emo-ness." This is not healthy nor is it an accurate representation of who I am. Therefore, I am moving on.
If anything, this emotional and mental journey has taught me to humble myself. I learned that I am susceptible to being careless and taking things for granted. I just have to make a conscientious effort to guard myself from such damaging behavior.
That is all, for now.
Goodnight, friends. God loves you and so do I. 
Andrey
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