:)

these days i only have good things to say
i've grown so much. and all this time, i thought i was shrinking...

i am now realizing the truth, and it's setting me free. hallelujah. my heart has needed this. my life has needed this. haha.

i always said, He knows things i don't. and i had to trust in that to feel like i could do this. but of course part of me doubted. but now He's showing me exactly what those things He knew were, and yeaaahh.. good stuff.

yes i am being vague but i have to be. hope is on the horizon. life goes on. me, i keep moving forward. good times and people and places await me. i am a joyful girl, a strong girl, a blessed girl, an all too human girl, but a dearly beloved and prized daughter of Jerusalem which is why i believe again, that the best is yet to come. thank you Jesus.

finally i feel like the future is welcome to come in, and i am present in my present, and the past is in the past.

another obstacle overcome, another lesson learned, wisdom, strength, and experience gained. check check check. pain & loss along with the joy & love. it's ok though. He breaks my bones to restore me. and i'm starting to feel the restoration, and i feel myself coming back, the me i love to be. =)

i can't wait until the day i'm 'purified by forgetfulness'

in reference to yesterday

it helps me to realize that there is potential in the beautiful souls in the world. however, there is one soul which sometimes seems to trump the others, but more & more i like to think that it's just an enhancement of my own imagination, which both kills the romance, but brings the reality. yes, now i am alone in this battle. i think i have been for a long time. i am a foooooooooooooooooooooool. but yeah. time is a tickin' and the future quickly approaches. i want it badly. i have been here for too long. this is not freaking love in the time of cholera, christine.

i want to be happy and i want to be free. i am only when this is not on my mind.

i finished the unbearable lightness of being a couple of days ago. it was sad. i think the most relevant thing for me personally was the idea of sabina's invisible eyes on franz. i know exactly how he lives and what he means, because i do that too. invisible eyes are hard to get rid of, haha. i wonder if everyone has them.... actually i'm pretty sure everyone does. mine vary. now i'm reading love in the time of cholera and i like it so far. it is devastatingly romantic... and not in a cheesy way but HAAAA i gasp at some points when i read it cuz i'm like oh damn.

i really believe there are not enough bold or brave people in the world these days. and i wish people would talk more so that i would have to talk less, or just listen and respond.

i need to start thinking soon about what i'm gonna do after i graduate. 1 year off and filled up with what, with who, and where, and why, and for how long? i hope i hope i hope for the best the best the best.

we must leave each other farrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr behind, forgotten until maybe never.

i keep waiting for it even though i know it's never going to come.
i cannot stop. it keeps me in the past, and i am not fully present in my own life, and since part of me is always held back as well, i feel like i'm not even 100% completely myself.

but i remember when 2nd year started, i was able to say, "after a long time, i finally feel like myself." so maybe it is the same now.

dude you know why i can't let go? cuz it's a freaking SECRET! AND I AM NOT A SECRETIVE PERSON. I HATE SECRETS. being open is my thing. wow. i just realized that is why i am like imprisoned to this crap. -_______- unfortunately OUT OF RESPECT...... more -___- ....... anyway. deh.

every day of my life i wish

so it seems that my long entries lessen my chance of people reading them, so i will try to keep this less verbose--short and sweet. the reason for this is that this entry is not really for myself so much as it is a public declaration with the purpose of encouraging.

i remember in late october of 2006, i wrote in my xanga about how i was scared to call myself a Christian. how i felt unworthy, how i wasn't sure if all of these new feelings i was having about God were for real, or just a phase. i was 19, and for 19 years i had only thought i believed in God and was at most, just a church-goer (and not even that for the past 3 years). but yeah, things in my heart were starting to change... Jesus came after me. and obviously, he won my heart. haha. anyway, what i remember is how much hesitancy i felt about making that commitment to publicly declare that i was someone who followed him, because it was not something i took lightly. i did not want to declare something, only to have it fade away months later... that's just stupid and embarassing, and if i was going to follow Him, i wanted to do it wholeheartedly and for real. i wasn't sure i would be able to do that. after all, it was just the beginning and i was still living in a lot of sin and liked it. could i really do something that seemed so hard, if not even impossible? yeah, pretty much impossible. haha. so i gave it a few months. and it reached a point where i just had to. despite the pride it might cost me (in potential for failure/relapse to old ways), despite the 'pleasure' it might cost me (in the lifestyle i would have to give up), despite the doubts i had, i knew that if i didn't just fully commit to it and go for it, it would never happen. just do it. you either follow him or you don't. don't even leave that option open of not following him, just do it. don't think about all the possibilities for this or that, or how impossible it seems, just do it. and i did, and here i am, 1 year and 7 months later, changed forever. what was impossible was possible.

so in that first love stage... i had so much passion, fire, love, eagerness for God, joy in God, etc., that seriously any conversation about God, any sermon, any revelation, any verse, could just make me stagger in conviction, awe, love, etc., and my life felt like it was changed every week, and it really was. i was, my heart was. i grew so much. but now for the past like. 9 months. i feel like nothing has really reached me permanently. everything i feel or think, i only feel or think for like a few weeks MAX. it's all emotion. it's all nothing. it's all words, and wood to be burned at the end of the day. because it's all so tumultuous, Jesus has become tiring and thus, less appealing. does that mean that he is a tiring person and unappealing? no. it just means that i'm doing something wrong. and what that is is that i never grew discipline. yes, emotions are legit to a certain extent but i feel like God gave me these spurts of bliss in Him to boost me to grow into discipline, but i always let those pass. but now summer is here and i know i know i know that this is time. it's the time to get disciplined, and literally read my Bible every day and pray every day. every day. EVERY DAY.

that is crazy to me. to commit to doing this every day, without fail, to me, is impossible. the past 1 year and 7 months have told me that this is impossible for me. i am just too lazy, too rebellious, too forgetful, too dumb. and honestly it is kind of scary for me to declare that i am going to endeavor to do this now, because the chances that i'm not gonna do it, by past experience, is at a very very low percentage. and how shameful that would be for me if i say all this crap, and don't do it. yes that is pride but that is the truth. yeah and i know this is something that i should already have down, but i don't, okay? sorry. but i want to change. and i know i need to change. this is the next step that God has brought me to, that i haven't stepped up to for too long, and my Spirit is just feeling it. the word does not really reach my heart. no sermon really touches me. nothing really... does anything to me. everything just kinda shines off me. this is not how it was meant to be. the reason for this is that i'm still being a lame ass and not growing like i should in the way that i should because i'm not doin what i should. it is simple.

so today, i decided to change. i decided to all of a sudden just decide to do this. pretty much the likeliness of it bein successful is super low, but that's why i am pretty sure it's going to happen. cuz i am doin this cuz it's right, because i want to know and love God more, because i want to please Him, honor Him, and do what little i can for what exact purpose i'm not sure but i know it's good and that's enough for me. and i realize that this is the commitment that i already made 19 months ago. this is what i committed to do. this is a part of that commitment. so this is like a recommitment. just as scary to make, just as unsure of how it will turn out, but because of that first commitment having been fulfilled, i know this one will be too. i just need to make the commitment to make the decision to follow you actively, every day, even in the mundane (and isn't that when it's the hardest anyway?) good days, bad days, boring days, fun days, sad, happy, mad days, sinful days, righteous days, sorrowful days, joyful dates, hard days, easy days, cuz that's what i signed up for anyways. til' death do us part. (except that will never happen but you know what i mean). and this showed me even more why we are called the bride of christ. in so many ways this really is like a marriage. not every day is crazy romantic or beautiful and some days honestly suck, but i do what i can to make this work. because i want us to work. because through all of the crap i feel sometimes, i know that you are so worth it, and always have been. i should know this. i know this.

so yeah. independence day. time to grow. and be 'independent'. woman of God. yeah.

haha i can't believe i'm actually goin to do it. it is going to be hard. but it's possible. with Him, all things are possible.

:)

and wow, this was not short and sweet at all. sorry, but when it comes to God, i just have to say a lot of things. my bad.

and i hate sounding all Jesus-y... but damnit just let me say how i feel. this is how i feel. it's not contrived, it's not whatever, just take it as it is. i'm not trying to seem so "unrelatable" so i hope you don't feel like that.

for some reason...

ever since summer started my mind is going CRAZY. i think so much every day and i could probably write novels in here each night but i'm just way too lazy for that. but i do want to remember some framework of my mental processes in the case that if i ever look back, i might be able to piece a little bit of it together cuz my mind = my life in the making. maybe. here's a list of what i have to say now after this week of intense brain product..

1. i am learning a lot about myself that i find unappealing. for one, i am very superficial, especially when it comes to boys, unless there is some crazy redeeming quality in which case that isn't an issue. i guess it's just about attraction anyway, looks are subjective. but still. i wish i was less superficial... but all that really means is (which leads to the second thing i don't like about me) that i... care what other people think. i think i really thought that i don't care what people think and in certain senses it's very true but in other cases, not so much. which stinks because i realize my life is lived by what i think others will think, meaning i'm not free. not free in my own life. horrible. but yes. there was a time and a place in life though where both of these things could not be said about me because i loved that hard. but now i guess it's back to reality, but it was never my choice.

2. i am now fully committed to going the "law school route". no more second-guessing myself, i think i just make things more complicated than need be. so now that i've chosen, i plan on keeking azz. as for what i'm going to do after law school, i don't know. i do want to help people though--so whether it's through what i actually do, or becoming baller as hail and using my riches for good things, it don't matter. i'll give it to God. i do not assume that i am going to be a lawyer persay, but i just want the JD cuz i feel like it would be good and open doors for me pretty much anywhere and that's something i want--to be able to go anywhere. photography will just have to be a hobby. but it's ok, that was just a romantic fantasy anyway. :)

3. what i want most in a companion--soul connect. ability to talktalktalk forever. along with a lot of other things. as charlotte would say: "i've been waiting for him for THIRTY years! where IS he!" except twenty, not thirty. i feel lonely these days to be honest but i think i'm strong enough to admit that and not feel dumb. i'm "i-n-d-e-p-e-n-d-e-nt doyaknowwhatthatmean"?

4. i was desperately scared i would be unhappy when i "grow up". unhappy as a result of the decisions i make in my formative 20's. realized i was being foolish, especially considering happiness is so fleeting, even right now. so i look ahead with faith, not fear. kind of feel bittersweet sometimes at how life changes so much and that's a guarantee, but get assured when i know that He'll always bring me to ... the right place. however, in my humanity, i do believe that there are certain people and times that i will always miss, no matter how much better things may get.

5. i need to be reminded every single day about Him. i am so bad and get confused easily. i do not do the things i want to do, but the things i do not want to do. my eyes wander. i start seeing this world's reality as reality, and wonder if the things i've given up are worth it. this is why i need to be reminded every single day. this is why God's grace is all i need. i wonder if someone would still love me if they really knew me and in some ways, i think i feel like i don't really know myself right now either, and i don't mean that in some existential crisis kind of way, but just a, i changed and haven't really figured out exactly in what ways yet type of way. haha most confusing sentence ever? :) Blue Like Jazz was so good. i still haven't finished the last chapter because...... i don't want it to end. so i just see the book every day next to my bed and think about how good it is and how i don't want to pick it up and finish it because i want it to stay with me. this is how i am i suppose, with the things and people i love. i cannot let go, even if it is time. luckily or maybe unfortunately, time does not care what i want.

6. i think i'm kind of weird. it's ok though because i really like weird people. so i just want to meet a weird but normal person who likes me as the weird but normal person that i am.

i love my life and the people in it, and i want to love them as they are right now, not trying to make them change and trusting He will, but also not wanting to condone what i know leads to their own destruction. this is from donald miller, and i want to know the answer on how to balance that. i have a lot of questions about how to live like Jesus, because i don't think it's as easy as it looks. this might have something to do with the fact that he was perfect, haha.

7. i have been thinking about how i feel like when people become "better" christians, they become "worse" people. worse friends, more specifically. i have been thinking about how even that attitude we have about "better" christian is so wrong, but it's the only standard we have for "growth". i think in so many ways we have it all wrong, and that's why i have these questions which don't seem to have answers. because i'm asking the wrong questions that don't really even apply to what is really the truth. i have been thinking about how when something really good happens to us, we say, "dudee God loves me!" or if it happens to another, we say the same, and how we shouldn't do that because we're implying that people in not as fortunate circumstances are not loved. so what is His love and how is it shown in everyday life? i know what i would say, but what would you say?

8. i think my critical thinking skills developed like crazy somehow this year because i don't care who is telling me whatever they are telling me, i am going to run it by my mind, heart, soul, and Word and see what i think. i love john piper though. he's one of my heroes i have decided.

i think i'm done now. what will put an end to this madness of mind? i don't know but i wish i could be simple sometimes.