It's been a while since I've been down. The last two months were the best two months i think i've had at home in over 6 years. Tonight, I realized i was back to the point where i just pretend. Things are starting to slip the wrong way...

sorry guys, its been forever and its not very big but i've been really busy. i found a guy, too bad he lives in texas now. so i was occupied with that. but now school starts tomorrow so im sure ill get back to my old self which means tons of qutoes.

Those feelings that are the most painful

Are the ones that nobody can explain,

No quote can describe

& no tears or smiles can make them go away

They’re the ones that hurt the deepest,

The ones that last the longest,

And take forever to forget about.

Happiness is just a gash away

When I open a familiar scar,

Pain goes shooting like a star,

Comfort hasn’t failed to follow so far

Let me tell you something

I am alone.

I have fake friends who don’t care.

I am sad and I cry.

I write dark poems and hide a lot.

You might think I’m funny

I appear happy with my fake smile

But funny enough

I fooled you all

All I really want is to be loved

I want you all to know my hurt

But no one will listen and no one cares

So, I’m letting myself slowly fall apart

You think I’m fine

But it’s all just a lie

Can you not see the signs?

The scars on my wrists,

The hurt in my words,

Let me tell you

I’m not okay.

Some people like scars because they bring back memories :: I have some scars of my own, but my memories aren’t worth remembering :: mine are from all the times I cut myself :: every single day I have to look at those ugly marks and be reminded of my constant unhappiness :: I want to rip those scars off my arms, but there’s no way to :: it’s strange really…the scars on my arms don’t even compare to the ones on my soul

One cut to feel the tingling pain

Two to get her through the rain

Three cuts to feel her skin bleed

Four to realize life wasn’t meant to be

Five cuts and she blinked back the tears

Six to forget all her fears

Seven cuts as she bit her tongue

Eight she realizes its all gone

Nine cuts as she fell back on her bed

Ten she realized she’s better off dead

Can’t you see it’s all changed now // and there is nothing you can do // the scars have sunk in deep // she has nothing else to lose // she will play this game no more // and get hurt like she did before // she’s finally learned to let the past go // but you’re too caught up in yourself // to even see what’s going on to even know

Have you ever cried so hard?

Each sob is a reason to say goodbye

Sometimes when your holding on,

You’ll never see the light

Although I might act like it doesn’t hurt…your words cut me deeper than any of my knives.

So look at her and stare into her eyes, can you even tell that she is the girl who cries? Can you tell she is the one who can’t sleep at night, maybe she needs to be held really tight, maybe she’s sad and maybe she’s hurt, all because she was treated like dirt.

Isn’t it better to just cling to the dream of what oculd have been, than to ruin everything with reality.

She looks down at her damaged arm

&& all the harm she has done

Every regret she lives with

&& she’d do anything to go back to the day

She held the razor in her hand

Twist the story around && put it down

She’d do anything to get rid of her awful scars

&& her painful memories

But she won’t forget

The pain that put them there

She was sad but refused to cry…

She won’t open up…

She won’t let anyone in.

She presses the cold razor to her skin // another cut // another tear shed // she wishes she was dead // but she just cuts instead // but blood falls with another tear // just another cut // because no on really cares

She’s just a desperate girl

Crying for help, but afraid

To let anyone in. as she sits

In a corner dressed in a t-shirt and jeans

She’s not your typical emo girl

But as the knife hits her wrist

She lets all the inside pain out

And whispers life isn’t worth it anymore

Do I seem depressed to you?

Oh, I am sorry…

But maybe you should learn about my life first

Before you go on saying that I’m pathetic.

No one even thinks about the girl they make fun of

They just do it because it makes them fell good

But how do you think she feels?

You don’t think your hateful comments have an effect on her?

Maybe you should try walking a mjile in her shoes

Before you call her names

Because you never know

Maybe you’re one of the reasons that gave her the courage to pull the trigger.

I remember thinking

I’ll only cut one more time

I remember thinking it every time after that

Now I’m addicted

There she was one night :: sitting on her bed in her dark room :: holding her weapon of choice wanting so much to disappear :: her thoughts are so strong and tense that she cannot feel herself breath :: she feels nothing :: she can’t focus :: pulling up her sleeve :: staring at old memories on her arm :: tears in her eyes :: but she cannot cry :: one slide across and a new wound is open :: crimson blood starts to flow to the surface :: her eyes start to clear as her thoughts disappear :: she can feel herself again :: she has found relief.

those comments made me happy.

so there are like random lines

i dunno how to get rid of them.

but w/e

A Broken Mirror, A Bleeding Fist

A Silver Blade Against A Wrist

Tears Falling Down To Lips Unkissed

Ignore Her And She Won’t Exist

She’s Not The Kind You’ll Come To Miss

You Can’t See I’m Hurting

Your Too Blind To Notice My Pain

It Feels Like Everyone’s Sitting In Sunshine

While I’m Drowning In The Rain

Cut the skin to the bone

Fall asleep all alone

Hear your voice in the dark

Lose myself in your eyes

Choke my voice, say goodnight
As the world falls apart

So take this knife and cut my wrists….

I wish this pain…didn’t exist…

So slit my wrists…

Life’s a sick game with way too many twists

I’m not depressed, I’m just sad

I don’t cut, I like bleed

I don’t bleed for fun , I bleed to know I’m alive

I’m not dead I just wish I was

Should I cut or take the pain?

The dripping blood or just plain shame?

The sharpened knife or falling tears?

The morning scars or all the fears?

Sometimes the biggest lies slip out easier than the truth.

 It will haunt you day and night and take over your life. You will wish you never made that first cut because while you absolutely hate cutting…at the same time you love it and can not live without.

And just wait till that first time you cut “too deep.”

And you freak out because the blood won’t stop…

And you are gasping…

And you feel yourself shaking all over.
You are having a panic attack.

I walked down the hallway…

Holding my wrists

Just hopin’ that [no one]

Will see me (like this)

He looks at me:: scared of what he’ll find::

He never knew I had these things in my mind.

He asks me “is there anymore…?”

I *whisper* a simple reply…

[[…what did you think the bracelets were for…?]]

It wasn’t a suicide attempt :: it was an escape from everything awful. When we cut, we control our pain & we make it stop whenever we want. Physical pain relieves mental anguish. For that brief moment, the pain of cutting is the only thing in the cutter’s mind. & when the others come back, they’re weaker. Drugs do that too, & sex, but not like cutting :: nothing is like cutting.

10 shaking fingers trace my

9 fading scars, they run over the

8 new open wounds. Within

7 minutes, I start losing my sight, and

6 times I almost blacked out.

5 more minutes and I know I’ll be gone. The

4 pillows propping me up start to fall

3 tears slip down my cold cheeks from

2 red eyes. But after all is said and done,

1 more chance would have killed me faster.

I had no one to look up to, so I looked down on myself.

I find it kinda funny, and I find it kinda sad, that the dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had.

Nothing can stop me now, because I don’t care anymore.

Too weak to live, too strong to die.

I don’t necessarily want to be happy. I just want to stop feeling miserable.

Take it from someone who’s fallen : it’s a l o n g way down

I remember thinking, “I’ll only cut one more time.” I remember thinking it every time after that. Now I’m addicted.

Don’t worry, I’ll be fine. Please just let me cut my wrists one last time.

I know what it’s like to want to die, how it hurts to smile, how you hurt yourself on the outside to try to kill the thing on the inside.

With the sight of a knife and the twist of my wrist, just one slash and I’ll be done with this.

I enjoy the things most people hate, but pretend that I don’t. Everyone seems so happy and fake. They’ll never guess my suicide attempts. They’ll never check the scars which have kept me alive.

I felt like screaming, “Look what you’ve fucking done!” But then I realized it was me that did this, and no one else. There’s no on else to blame for the scars. Its all me doing it.

Maybe if I weren’t so damn good at pretending to be happy. I might actually learn to be happy.

But sometimes acting happy only makes you hurt that much more.

She looks in the mirror and looks down at her wrist as she starts to cry, she quietly whispers: look what I’ve become.

My cuts are not cries for help,

That’s not even close.

They’re distractions from the real world,

My real life,

My real dilemma.

I wish I could go back to those nights, when I c.u.t myself up, from the mistakes that I made that day, I wish I could go back and stop myself, but it’s too  late. I went too deep.

ALCOHOL…

& nervous wits

RAZOR BLADES…

& bloody wrists

DECEiViNG EYES…

Trapped in lies …

CAN’T ESCAPE…

Their painful cries

Although I might act like it doesn’t hurt…your words cut me deeper than any of my knives.

&& I can’t stand the pain

&& I can’t make it go away

I heard about your screaming

Message and how it reeked of

Your indifference. It bleeds

Horizontal straight from your wrist.

Sometimes when I say…”oh im fine…”
I just want someone to look me in the eyes and say…

Tell the truth…

Everybody knows where you keep your gun

Your razors && your pills

Question is, what’s everybody waiting for?

Why let you have it all, && just wait for that call from HER

Do me a favor and take away all of her stash…

Take it all away

Not even makeup could make her look beautiful. Because real beauty is loving yourself & that’s something she could never do

And she taught herself not to care anymore…

Like a clown I put on a smile, the pain is real even if nobody knows. And I’m crying inside and nobody knows it but me.

My eyes hurt from crying

My heart aches from trying

My wrists burn from cutting

&& in the end…I still have nothing

And with this knife I will cut away the part of me that still cares about you.

The only way to not get hurt is to not give a fuck.

&& her friends don’t understand her. She’s a question without answers, who feels like she’s falling apart.

Forgiving is not forgetting, its letting go of the hurt.

I’m sorry if I’m giving up too easy, I just don’t have the strength to fight anymore.

I’m ready to give up and give in, everyday I loose more love for myself, I just really don’t care about myself anymore, so here goes my last goodbye, sorry to this world, but I’m out of cries.

So look at her and stare into her eyes, can you even tell she is the girl who cries? Can you tell she’s the one who can’t sleep at night, maybe she needs to be held so tight. Maybe she’s sad and maybe she’s hurt, all because she was treated like dirt.

All she wants is for someone to see through her smile and realize that something is wrong and give her a hug for no reason even though they both secretly know she needed it more than anything.

I’d rather be physically hurt, than emotionally;; because you can put a band aid on your finger…but you can’t put one on your heart.

We are so pretty when we are faking, I’m such a liar when I smile.

Never forget what people say when they’re mad. That’s when the truth comes out.