| | I lahv my new Dahv. (How the hell do you pronounce her name? Dah-V? Davey? Dee-Aye-Ayche-Vee? Hakeem? What the eff', mate?)
Just what we needed, a new Eminem in the making (be
forewarned, your ears may bleed). This time, in a more smaller (under
5'), female, terribly dressed, prepubescent (10 years), teeny bopper
version. This makes me all giddy inside like Michael Jackson at youth
camp. You'll be certain I'll be lining up at the debut of her cd.
Right...
My first reaction was to laugh. For a very long time. Next I noticed to my horror a couple of things:
-
She's ten years old.
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She is rich, White and claims to be "crunk."
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She also claims to be the new "Elvis."
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She also wants to shake her "tits," but being prepubescent, she does not have any of the aforementioned body parts.
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Her producer disguises a shallow sexual innuendo in the song "Daddy
don't Trip," where literally she is asking her dad to not trip on the
stuff in her bedroom. Please.
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Her voice is so over-produced it's not even funny. I am betting that in
reality I can sing better than her. The use of auto-tune is actually
noticeable.
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She has very crooked teeth.
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She has an excellent fansite. She also has a large amount of nine year old fans.
I cannot actually believe that any producer had enough crack in his
possession to make himself believe that this girl was actually
marketable. Her only possible market is six to ten year old girls. That
is not large enough to break even. Combine that with the fact that she
is pretty much underground compared to people like Hillary Duff, and you
have a problem. Six year olds don't tend to look around for
less-than-mainstream music.
Looking over her site actually gives me an even
worse outlook on the future of entertainment than I already had. What
cosmic realignment of the stars have I fallen into? When the hell did
the most important aspect of having a singing career cease to be the
ability to sing? I know she isn't a trailblazer in this area, so when
did it start?
"You could have a career as a singer!"
"But I can't sing."
"That doesn't matter, we'll fix that with the computers."
"Then couldn't any Tom, Dick, and Harry have a singing career?"
"No."
"Why? What makes me so different?"
"You're marketable."
And the kids will all rush out to buy this crapulence, leaving those of us
who have graduated high school to be subjected to this garbage. And then
all of the copy cats are going to come out of the woodwork...
And I've got $20 that says her nine-year old fans are actually thirty-nine-year old fans fresh out of prison.
"Let's see, rocker wristband: check.
Gold rapper bling-bling with a marijuana leaf: check.
Pop-starrish tanktop: check.
Emo black jelly-rings: check.
Oversized cap: check.
Now all I need is a banjo and I've covered all musical genre attire."
So that's why she doesnt smile
Now to embark in deepest dungeons of the unforgiven:
The Fan forums. I'm about to read her diary and I feel like a
child molester. This isn't normal.
vballchica34
Heya, yesterday I was listening to your new
single, Pass the Shirley Temple, as I heard the quite mysterious phrase
"Makes my brain go Zinga Zing Zong?"
Now, in my nearly
insatiable curiosity, I wondered exactly what this new phrase implied.
Is this feeling one of great pleasure? Of ecstasy?
It's just burned in my mind - so catchy, it plagues my mind for nights on end.
best regards.
 Dahv
I wrote that lyric. It's just a silly word like ~~ya dee dah~~ . It's a word I made up.
I know being at a family function can drive kids my age crazy, so I wanted to write something about it.
My first idea was to talk about wasabi, ever had it?
It
is just a feeling of frustration. Some people think ~~ zinga zing zong
~~~ and they think -- sugar rush -- like candy. I never have sugar so I
picked 'shirley temple" idea instead. I've had this drink a few times
and I love it!!!!!
Now lets analyze this like a John Madden playbook. She says, and I quote,
"Well, all soda's have the little frizz to it and whenever you drink it
too fast it puts a little weird feeling inside of your head." Now any
normal person over the age of ten would realize that they're talking
about being "drunk." Is this a subliminal message she's trying to
infuse into our brains. Is the youth of America at stake? Pfft! Too bad
shirley temples are non-alcoholic.
If you want to listen to her music, I warn you to be careful. My opinion of humans as a race has decreased marginally.
I just can't wait until she becomes a real child star and gets caught
with cocaine possession. She also has an excellent fansite which I plan
on joining. I encourage you to do the same.
Just
ranting about this doesn't bring us justice. So, to satisfy my hunger
for more, this month's prop bomb will now be diverted to Dahv's forums.
I will create a new forum, and join in on the fun-ly (SAT
word) massacre. |
