| | Things you probably shouldn't say or do on April Fools Day.
Since my original April Fools Day plans were stomped out--well actually, somebody
did their prank (turning their site into an Emo blog) before I got a
chance to--and to avoid people calling me a "jocker," I'll dive into another idea.
Didn't like that whipped cream while sleeping, did you?
We all know you made it a firm statement to deploy an extravagant plot to seek revenge from
your friends from last year. But trust me, it won't be great. There's a
good chance you'll probably:
A) Screw it up.
B) Target the wrong person.
C) Get arrested/fired/kicked out of the house.
D) All of the above.
If you're willing to
take those risks, THEN GOOD JOB! Welcome aboard, because that's exactly
the type of people I look for. So, to assist you further with your
demonic plans, here's a quick list I compiled for your un-Christian
ways.
To your bulimic sister: "The plumber says we can't use the toilet for 48 hours."
To an officer: "Hey officer, this gun is loaded."
Run into the precinct with powdered sugar over your nose.
"Two frosted, and one jelly-filled..."
To a banker: Walk in with a ski mask.
Ask for a thousand dollars worth of pennies.
Walk in to convert a thousand dollars worth of pennies to bills.
To a bodybuilder: "Is it true steroids make your testicles shrink?"
"I switched your egg whites with something else..."
Your teacher: Put itching powder on their chalk.
To your wife: "About my red and itching groin area..."
"Your boss called the house today and said your productivity in bed is mediocre. I guess it's overtime for you tonight."
"I'm actually a woman"
Bring your co-worker or buddies' child over and say, "I've been meaning to tell you something all these years..."
Switch her birth control pills with tic-tacs.
"Would it kill you if you got a haircut once in a while?"
"WITH WHAT HAIR?"
To your husband: "I didn't have
heavy cream, so I used breast milk." (caution: you ladies will most
likely end up mopping the floor after this is said.)
For dinner, serve him hotdog's, bananas, twinkies, and a zucchini salad.
Then tell him "If only you were half the size of these..." Expect
tempers to flare.
Tell him over the phone that you invited grandma over.
Replace all his porn (if you're lucky enough to know where his hidden folder is) with naked pictures of Fabio and Bob Barker.
"Did you know they cancelled baseball, basketball, football (or any of his favorite sports) season?"
Tell him you're pregnant.
Tell him you're pregnant--with someone else's baby.
To a dentist: Put Tabasco in his/her toothpaste medication. (Oh, the irony!)
Wear fake Hillbilly teeth and smile to the waiting room patients.
Clearly a better set of teeth than most British. (drumshot)
(For guys with a female doctor) My friend says it's normal to have a third arm...wanna see? ::pulls down pants::
(For guys with a female doctor) When they go for the testicle
examination, have a boner. (Oh god, I just realized how sick that is.
But funny!)
Juggle 3 syringes.
Put krazy-glu inside their latex gloves.
When they ask for a urine sample, run your hands under the sink, but
don't dry them. When you return, shake their hand. "Sorry, there
weren't any paper towels."
To a firefighter: Replace the fire hoses with super soakers.
Put chicken grease on the pole that allows them to slide from the 2nd floor to 1st.
Set up a campfire in front of their garage.
To your friends: Take a crap, leave the seat up and don't flush. Tell him/her "I think you
left your wallet in the bathroom." (this is done regularly, as my
friends will tell you. But I do flush. I just leave them a nice "scent.")
Tape the trigger of the "water-gun" extension from
the sink (know what I'm talking about?) and ask your friend for a glass of tap water. Wait for ensuing
yelp and a drenched face. (Done to my mom. Suffice to say, it wasn't funny when it
happened.)
Try and show interest to the most unnattractive girl at the bar. Then,
when you "befriend" her, give out your married friend's phone number
and setup a meet at his house.
Purchase the most flambouyant shirt you can find. Example: A "Girl
Power" T-shirt. Then, put your arm around his shoulder and whisper to
him, "I think you have lovely eyes..." Proceed to wink at him.
I hope these April Fools
jokes were of some assistance. I'm sure your friend's certainly do not
condone any of these. These are for entertainment purposes only. Oh,
who am I kidding? We all know you're going to screw some
of these up while attempting these, so do more than one. Remember kids,
if you get caught, I don't know you and you don't know me.
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| | Posted 3/31/2005 8:26 PM - 188 comments
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