| | Fat/Ugly People Are Often Misjudged and Misunderstood. Here's Why You Should Befriend One.
I feel for you ugly people. You, with the terrible fashion sense? I
know where you're at. And that girl over there, yes you--I know you
have Marge Simpson-like bad hair days--can't hide it from me. But you
see, there's more fish in the sea. Wait, wrong quote. But just bear with me for a moment.
Everyday, you wake up and can't face the
world. Whatever the factor or problem may be, there's no need to
perform acrobatic ninja maneuvers to dodge from the sights of
passerbyers. All you need is a fat friend. No, not just any fat
"friend." I'm talking obese. Gargantuan. Oprah, circa 1991. Almost
whale-like.
(20 minutes later)
Okay,
great! I see you have one caged up behind you. Now that you've found
one (probably by luring him/her with a Snickers bar as bait), it's time
to put Captain McButters to use. The following are scenarios in which
your new friend can be deployed.
Scenario 1:
Here you are, your usual schmuck self. How pathetic. What were you
thinking, wearing that ensemble? A blind man with no hands dresses
better than you. You deserve to be heckled at.
Scenario 2:
Most excellent! Here you have your newfound Pokem--err, fashion
protector. Free and easy, you sly dog. You can wear anything at your
disposal and nobody will notice. Isn't life grand? You bet your no-name
brand jeans it is!
Scenario 3:
But of course, with every facet of life, there are
drawbacks. Things fail (think NASA) and aren't fail-proof. Just because
your 300 pound shield is there doesn't mean you're invisible! You need
a back-up plan aka running away whimpering.
Scenario 4:
But of course, nobody runs away, not a person like you,
not somebody who has the balls to wear a get-up like you do. Use your
Obe-Fatty-Kenobi to its fullest. Sic 'em on your enemies. Have him/her
eat your leftovers. Lounge, knock back a few brews, and enjoy life's
new-and-improved "man's best friend."
Have no shame in doing what you do. Remember, it's your reputation that's at stake here. Abuse your newfound power.
Now
that I've offended 48% of America, I'll expect thunderous laughs from
the Viet, Ricebunny Fans, Korean crowd, other past groups I've offended, and being rained with doughnuts by the obese readers.
Bon apetite!
Editors note: Mix and match your collection of
"shields." Don't just become fixated on one group. Discover new
ones like: ugly people, people with enormous teeth, the
handicapped, your in-laws, the Backstreet Boys. |
