| | HOW TO TELL YOUR ASIANS FROM ONE ANOTHER: For Dummies
I know you all [non-Asians] have confused thoughts when you encounter
an Asian. "Is he Chinese? Japanese? Korean? Jamaican(???????)? No, he
must be Vietnamese, right?"
WRONG-O!
You people are never right. But hey, I've been wrong myself many times,
so you're not alone. But today, I'm going to make your lives easier
(once again). Today, I will provide you all with an intuitive guide as
to
HOW TO TELL YOUR ASIANS APART
The first step in differentiating Asians is to make sure they are in fact, Asian. After all, Mark-Paul Gosselaar (Zach Morris)is in fact half Asian (Cakalusa Fact #79). And Rob Schneider ? Yep, he's Half Filipino. So be sure to double-check their ethnicity before moving forward.
Now that you've made sure they are legitimate Asian (remember, calling
any Asian -looking person "Chinese" may result in Karate Chops to your
nether regions), time to spot the clues.
As I was performing my field tests and surveying the city for apparent
and ominous visual guide regarding their ethnicity, I noticed that hair
style was the most useful indicators. With that, I've listed the
hair-styles in which you can tell your Asians from one another.
(note: Applies for males only, and from the East-coast of North America)
Chinese
Most popular hairstyle: Short-spiked
This species of Asian primarily don the short crew cut. The younger
crowd apparently uses gel to spike their hair up for an added "Anime"
effect.
Viet
Most popular hairstyle: Parted in the middle
Here lies the more advanced group to differentiate. Although a majority
of Vietnamese part their hair down the middle, many Asians sport such a
style as well, making them the more difficult to tell apart.
Japanese
Most popular hairstyle: Colored/Dyed
With all due respect, Japanese have the most wild hair of them all.
Probably easiest of them all, in my opinion. Usually, one can spot them
sporting a blonde-color style, or heavily-gelled into Dragon Ball-like
spikes.
Korean
Most popular hairstyle: Shaved side, high top
A majority of you probably won't notice it, but I have, and so have
many Asians. The Korean crowd sports a "Kid n play"-like hairstyle. The
top, being about 3 inches high, gelled, and sides shaved to the skin.
Images of MC-Hammer also come to mind. I like to call this style
"Asparagus tops."
Indian
Do you really need me to explain this any further?
Surgeon General Tso's Warning: These young creatures are fond of
wearing dark-colored North Face jackets. Easier to spot than most
races, considering they travel in packs around: PC Cafes, billiards,
and in their Rice Rocket. They emit higher-pitched voices than most,
but without warning, their "ghetto-voice" may strike fear in the most
innocent of senior citizens. Avoid such situations at all costs. If
such a sticky rice situation occurs, deter them with a bootleg DVD and
that may buy you precious time to escape their cross-country running
legs.
Of course, the stereotypical (but not far from the truth) bowl-style
haircut can throw even the most seasoned Asian-spotter off guard. The
most trained eyes are able to differentiate with such close detail.
Hopefully, my guide can help you Caucasians and Black readers tell us
apart without any bloodshed or unnecessary violence. HAI-YAH! Cakalusa,
out. |
| | Posted 12/13/2005 4:11 PM - 192 comments
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