| | What your closest Chinese friend never told you about Chinese New Year.
You
people think it's all fun and games. Everyone seems to think we Chinese
are all happy and jolly during this time of year, but really, these are
the real reasons why we're smiling:
- That's not special
chicken and a beef platter we eat on CNY (Chinese New Year), it's
phoenix talon, panda heads, panther claw, and dragon eyes. Take that,
PETA!
- Those red envelopes? Naw, they don't hold money
within, it's secret nuclear plans. Silly White folk. Homeland Security,
don't quit your day jobs.
- Firecrackers are not for
celebrating or scaring evil spirits away, they're all slowly releasing
anthrax--specially formulated not to affect Asians--into the air.
- The
number 8 is considered a very lucky number to the Chinese. That's also
the amount of deaths you will suffer before you land on the ground from
an angry Shaolin Monk on the eve of Chinese New Year 2019. You've been
warned.
- It is not customary to give money to your fellow Chinese friend(s) on this day. It's mandatory.
- Many
Chinese people clean their houses and make everything tidy. We also
hide the numerous bodies and "evidence" in our closets as well.
- It's
important to celebrate based on the lunar schedule--it's less
noticeable when the ninjas launch their secret attack. Oops! I think
I've said too much.
 OH REALLY? O RLY!
Now that you've got a firm grasp on the real tradition of Chinese New Year, it's time to learn'ed the Chinese.
 Triple nipple  Broken Vase  Lets play golf  I've got a fish bone stuck in my throat  Open wide |
| | Posted 1/27/2006 4:00 PM - 156 comments
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