| | Tell mother I'm joining the gay-sled team.
After viewing Munich--illegally of course (is there any other way?), it dawned on me. With the 2006 Winter Olympics only a few days away, what better opportunity than to come up with my own games for future consideration. Genius!
Figure
skating? Speed skating? CURLING? If I hadn't known any better, that
sounds like a date with a lesbian senior citizen--sans all the speed.
Here are the real sports the Olympic committee should consider instead
of these pansy sports.
Bobcat running Running
in general is boring as it is. We don't need to view people run in
excess of 25+ miles, we have the Mexican border patrol to record that
for us. With this new event, participants are running for the gold, and
their lives with an unfed (for a week) bobcat chasing them--with a
piece of filet mignon on their backs.
 "How the hell does a goddamn cat unfed for a week run that fast?!"
Archery: with the in-laws Bow-and-arrows
should be left for the fellow Native Americans, but not today. This
family-fun event brings everyone closer--to funeral planning! A can't
miss (literally).
 "This is for that #*&%ing fruit cake you've given to us the past 8 years, 'mother.'"
Mine slalom Skiing
is a favorite of mine (no pun intended), but what better way to spruce
it up and spike the ratings than with good ol' American-certified
violence? KABOOM! Lets see him make that next curve with just one leg
now!
Hockey boxing We
all know why you even consider viewing hockey for those 1.6 seconds
from switching through commercials: fighting. So lets just skip to the
meat and have our hockey teams get right into the action with boxing on
ice. Use of hockey sticks for the championship.
 Lets get ready to...
Queens beat straights in this house!
Ticking skiing Never
before will skiers fly down a mountain faster than you've imagined. On
each ski of the participants are two time bombs, each set to detonate
if they don't reach the finish line by a certain time--each round
decreasing in time. Guaranteed to break world records every 4 years.
 Announcer: And yet another new world record for today, folks.
Hurling Vomit your way to that gold medal. Ipecac will be the new steroids of this event.
Nude figure skating Trust me, network ratings will jump due to a sudden viewing by the male audience. Oh, Michelle Kwan...Nancy "Owww, my leg" Kerrigan .... ::fwup fwup fwup::
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| | Posted 2/7/2006 4:55 PM - 90 comments
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