| | My day spent as a female.
A
friend of mine and I were in a heated debate the other night
accompanied by a #2 (with Sprite) and #5 at McDonalds. What was the
topic of discussion? Gender. The old, time-tested grind between male
and female. Testes and ovaries (too much information Chris) were laid
out on the table--not literally of course. I had brought up the
statement in which females seem to have it better than guys, sans the
constant hollering, and cat calls. Guys, in the eyes of her, "have it
wayyy better" than females.
After what seemed like hours of
back and forth rebuttals, tense arguments that had the ketchup packets
bursting of red goo; mirroring blood-flowing rivers of great wars in
the past, I came to the conclusion that "You can't bash what you've
never experienced."
So be it. What would you do if you were the opposite gender for exactly 24 hours? I'd like a complete run-down of everything you'd do, realistically.
As for me, here's what my schedule would look like:
8am: Holy crap! I don't have a morning woody? MY PENIS IS GONE! (proceeds to poke at vagina. Laughs maniacally.)
9:07am: Shit, that was fun.
9:10am: (Looking into mirror) Wait, I'm still a guy--my boobs are nonexistent. Nevermind, I'm Asian.
9:11am: Peeing is such a hassle. wtf.
9:12am: Women never fart, or so it seems. Time to change all that. ::goes next to brother:: "TAKE THAT!"
8:15am: My hair looks lovely today. Maybe I'll spend a few minutes making it look nice.
10:47am: "Crap, how the heck did time go by so fast?"
10:50am: This vagina looks funny.
11:10am: "Oooh, gossip news!"
12pm: "OMG, GENERAL HOSPITAL!"
1pm: (tearing) "WHY? WHY DID YOU BREAK UP? HE DOESN'T DESERVE THAT!" (Kicks over the TV. Brother stares emotionless)
1:30pm: Time to get myself breakfast.
1:45pm:
Arrives at McDonalds. "I'll have a number two, super-sized, 2 apple
pies, an order of mozarella sticks, a McChicken sandwich, and a
chocolate sundae."
1:46pm: Male cashier is still puzzled over my order.
2:08pm: (loud belch) The customers stare at me bewildered.
2:10pm: (walks by male cashier) Maybe I'll have some more dessert with you later. (wink)
2:11pm: Damn, messing with guys heads IS fun. No wonder girls do this so often.
3:45pm: Hits the arcade
4:17pm: Proceeds to annihilate all male contenders at Street Fighter vs SNK.
4:49pm: Males become frustrated and confused.
4:50pm: "Yeah, that's a shame."
5:30pm: Proceeds to extremely-filled basketball court
5:33pm: "Can I get next?"
"Uhh..uhhh...sure!," the male pack-leader stutters.
5:34pm: (thinks to self) Damn, it's that easy to get onto the court just with boobs?
5:50pm: Attempts
an AND1 crossover-pass behind the back which ends up hitting a teammate
in the nose. "Oooooh, ouch. Sorry. Walk it off."
5:51pm: Goddamn, it's getting hot. Time to take off my shirt.
5:52pm:
Why is everyone staring at me? "OH SHIET!" (Quickly grabs shirt and
covers already-exposed boobs). "Okay, so you all got a free peep show.
Now shut up." Oh my god, that was embarassing. Now I know how Tara Reid
feels.
6:15pm: (Discovers a new offensive move: groping my boobs in front of the ballhandler) Works every time.
7pm: Farking exhausted. How the heck do other girls walk all day around the mall?
7:30pm: Time for pr0n. Be back later.
8pm: Interesting to say the least.
8:20pm: Takes numerous photos for MySpace. BOOB SHOT!
8:50pm: Hmm...a visit to the bar sounds fun.
9:30pm: Shower time. Should be quick.
10:15pm: WTF! Why are my showers taking forever?
10:30pm: SOMEONE GET ME OUT OF HERE!
10:33pm: (Pokes at boob)
10:45pm: FINALLY! It's like there's a magnet that keeps you from escaping the bathroom.
11:50pm: Arrives in city.
12am: WOOOO! Body shots galore!
12:20am: Shot number..wha? 6? HOT!
1:36am: "Yeah? And your mother likes if rough...like your sandpaper-like hands, bietch!"
5am: (Looks around, notice that I'm inside a toilet bowl) "ECHO! ECHO!" (Proceeds to nap some more)
9:15am: Damnit! Morning woody.
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| | Posted 2/15/2006 4:09 PM - 189 comments
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