| | Your Guide To Walking Through the Streets of Manhattan.
Many
say New York City is notorious for their crime rates--the guns, the
shooting, the fighting--but what the statistics don't show are the
reasons behind them. The number one killer? Walking. Don't laugh, it's
true. As a New Yorker, it is my duty to inform you. Stop walking
through the streets of Manhattan without the following knowledge, and
you'll live to see the day in which you'll be able to tell the stories.
Some tips for the virgin New York walker:
- Don't stop in the middle of the sidewalk, especially during
morning rush hour 7am-5pm all day.
That means the difference of being safely on your way to visit grandma,
or your face being planted on the floor, with cake (which was for
grandma) all over your face. If you want to experience running of the
bulls, go to Pamplona, Spain, not here.
- Make sure you're not dragging along large luggage.
Ever been stuck behind a large Mack Truck during rush our traffic?
Yeah, this is the same thing. So make the effort in relieving us
commuters by keeping your travel baggage to a minimum. If possible hail
a cab.
- Running through a group of tourists is fair game. All about the home advantage, baby!
- When in doubt, assume football positioning. Lower the shoulders and take the blunt of all the hits. As our old friend Ludacris once said, "Move b*tch, get out the way."
- Women and children first. This
doesn't just apply to the Titanic. If you see a few ladies and/or
children walking toward you, veer the hell away, or let them pass. No
need for bloodshed here.
- Look both ways before crossing the street. Mother
never taught you well enough, did she? Taxi cabs are practically blind
to pedestrians, and just because you're wearing a bright neon-green
jacket won't help either--cabbies are also color blind.
- Here in America, you pass on the right. Stop
walking into New Yorkers. If you're asking for a fight, here's the
number one cause. What's worse is a scenario in which you have two
"Opp-walkers (opposite walkers)." Once they both come within a foot of
each other, one or the other doesn't know what to do but constantly
juke left and right. I call this "city dancing." It's a pretty sight.
Really.
 Atta boy!  Didn't pass 2nd grade, did we?
- You have about .003249934 nanoseconds before the red traffic light turns green. If
you're not an olympic sprinter, don't even think about crossing the
street when that light is about to change green. You're only asking for
an expensive hospital bill. (See above rule)
- Stop walking at a your own (slow) pace.
This is my number one peeve in regards to walking. I can't emphasize this enough. The only
people allowed to travel slower than a sloth on tranquilizers are
senior citizens. Hell, even some move quicker than most youngsters I
see. If you can't walk faster than 6-8mph, invest in a Segway.
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| | Posted 3/6/2006 4:03 PM - 140 comments
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