| | How to argue effectively
I
argue very well. Ask any of my remaining friends. I can win an argument
on any topic, against any opponent. People know this and steer clear of
me at parties. Often, as a sign of their great respect, they don't even
invite me. You too can win arguments.
Simply follow these rules:
Drink liquor.
Suppose
you are at a party and some hotshot intellectual is expounding on the
economy of Peru, a subject you know nothing about. If you're drinking
some health-fanatic drink like grapefruit juice, you'll hang back,
afraid to display your ignorance, while the hotshot enthralls your
date. But if you drink several large martinis, you'll discover you have
STRONG VIEWS about the Peruvian economy. You'll be a WEALTH of
information. You'll argue forcefully, offering searing insights and
possibly upsetting furniture. People will be impressed. Some may leave
the room.
Make things up.
Suppose,
in the Peruvian economy argument, you are trying to prove that
Peruvians are underpaid, a position you base solely on the fact that
YOU are underpaid, and you'll be damned if you're going to let a bunch
of Peruvians be better off. DON'T say: "I think Peruvians are
underpaid." Say instead: "The average Peruvian's salary in 1981 dollars
adjusted for the revised tax base is $1,452.81 per annum, which is
$836.07 before the mean gross poverty level."
NOTE: Always make up exact figures.
If
an opponent asks you where you got your information, make THAT up too.
Say: "This information comes from Dr. Hovel T. Moon's study for the
Buford Commission published on May 9, 1982. Didn't you read it?" Say
this in the same tone of voice you would use to say, "You left your
soiled underwear in my bathroom."
Use meaningless but weighty-sounding words and phrases.
Memorize this list:
- Let me put it this way
- In terms of
- Vis-a-vis
- Per se
- As it were
- Qua
- Ipso facto
- Ergo
- So to speak
You
should also memorize some Latin abbreviations such as "Q.E.D.", "e.g.",
and "i.e." These are all short for "I speak Latin, and you don't."
Here's how to use these words and phrases. Suppose you want to say,
"Peruvians would like to order appetizers more often, but they don't
have enough money."
You never win arguments talking like that.
But you WILL win if you say, "Let me put it this way. In terms of
appetizers vis-a-vis Peruvians qua Peruvians, they would like to order
them more often, so to speak, but they do not have enough money per se,
as it were. Ergo, ipso facto, case closed. Q.E.D." Only a fool would
challenge that statement.
Use snappy and irrelevant comebacks.
You need an arsenal of all-purpose irrelevant phrases to fire back at your opponents when they make valid points. The best are:
You're begging the question.
You're being defensive.
Don't compare apples to oranges.
What are your parameters?
This
last one is especially valuable. Nobody (other than engineers and
policy wonks) has the vaguest idea what "parameters" means.
Don't forget the classic: YOU'RE SO LINEAR.
Here's how to use your comebacks:
You say: As Abraham Lincoln said in 1873...
Your opponent says: Lincoln died in 1865.
You say: You're begging the question.
You say: Liberians, like most Asians...
Your opponent says: Liberia is in Africa.
You say: You're being defensive.
You say: Since the discovery of the incandescent light bulb...
Your opponent says: The light bulb is an invention.
You say: Well DUH!
Compare your opponent to Adolf Hitler.
This
is your heavy artillery, for when your opponent is obviously right and
you are spectacularly wrong. Bring Hitler up subtly. Say, "That sounds
suspiciously like something Adolf Hitler might say," or "You certainly
do remind me of Adolf Hitler." By Stuart J. Williams, Attorney at Law.
Degrading Sports Photos of the Day
 "OH! I think I broke a nail!"  Grabbing for each other's ... yeah... |
| | Posted 3/26/2006 4:08 PM - 143 comments
- recommend
  - recs0
- give stars
- votes0
- email
 - sent0
|
