| | Asian parents are the worst of them all.
Now
before you all march over here with cleavers and nunchucks, hear me out
before you pull out some Bruce Lee tactics. This doesn't apply to all
Asian parents, but for the most part, it does. I'm quite sure that most
Asians realize this about their parents behavior, but in order to
inform the good people (non-Asian) of Xanga, here's why "Asian parents
are the worst of them all."
 PURPLE? Dubya-tee-eff, mate? - "Your John Kim got a new job? Hyong-Lee-Kim did too!" Asian
parents boasting about their kids to other Asian parents must be
genetic. I've yet to meet one Asian parent that doesn't do this. "Oh,
he got into Hahhhhvahd? Well, my Jason just started his new e-business
and it's doing so well, he might open another. Plus he's probably
smarter than your son--just thought you might want to know." Wonderful,
is there anything else we don't know about your son? Perhaps how many
meals he eats, how often he itches his nose, goes to the restroom?
 "My child's reading MacBeth, yours probably doesn't know the alphabet."
- Cheap Haggle Tactics. There
must be a special school devoted to Haggling-101. No other ethnicity
performs this more than the Asian parents of today. Now, this doesn't
apply solely to the customer end, the salesperson as well. "That's it? Just a
plasma? Nooooo, you want two! Perhaps another DVD player won't hurt
either. Come onnnn. COME ONNNNNNN." It wouldn't surprise me if an Asian
parent ended up on The Price Is Right and lost, only to bargain with Bob Barker, asking why the price of that car wasn't any lower. "The price is wrong, bitches."
- Bamboo sticks are much harder on the skin than American baseball bats and slaps on the buttocks. You
caucasians have it easy. Baseball bats are just a pinch compared to
what the Asians encounter. Ever wonder why your Filipino friend, or
Japanese b.f.f. (!!!) never flinches when he comes into contact with
physical pain (like running your shin into a table)? Well, now you
know. It's not all the rice, you see; years of bamboo overhand smashes,
360 roundhouse kicks will toughen one right up. Cal Ripken Jr., Jason
Kidd, Allen Iverson, they all have one thing in common--their parents
were Asian at one point.
 Start running now, guys
- No "A", no way. Face it, if your not getting A's all across your report card, you better pray to your deity
that your parents aren't Asian, or run away from home like an Olympic
track star and never come back. I was fortunate enough to have lenient
parents that would allow a few B's or even :gasp: C's to slip by. But
remember, nightmares of #3 will haunt you every night if you keep
slacking.
 A one-way ticket to death
- Bowl of rice, bowl of soup, bowl haircut, you can't prevent it. How
many of you Asian readers out there have ever looked into the mirror
and at one point said, "WTF DID I DO?" Congratulations, you've just
joined the vast majority of Asians who've undergone the Bowleritis
Cutteris; also known as: The Bowl Cut. This is unavoidable. Ask an
Asian friend for old pictures of them, 9 out of 10 will reveal
un-shocking news of said hairstyle. I'm not sure how this phenomenon
transpired, but one thing's for sure, it's a thing of the past.
 Poor kid.
- Ethnocentrism is a better form of patriotism. "Aiyah!
China lost to the Americans?" "Ooooh, Michael Chang (performs Cabbage
Patch)!" With all due respect, their are a few things to be proud of as
an Asian, but running to the TV every time you hear something about
your home country, and you leap over the dining table just to listen
in, there's something wrong. It's not frowned upon, but really, there's
a limit--it's just that Asian parents learn how to push it (to the
limit!).
- Why shop at Express, A/X, and J. Crew when you have "hand me downs"? Oh,
the ol' hand-me-down shenanigan. Don't pretend like you've never
experienced it. Every first generation of Asian children born here in
the U.S. has come into contact with used: shirts, socks, hats,
sweaters, jeans, and sometimes undergarments. Don't be surprised if
you're slipping on your great-great-great-grandfather's ancient (read:
prehistoric) arcane vest from the Yin Dynasty. And of course, the more
siblings you have, the more variety you'll have in your closet. Who
says underwear never lasts too long?
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