| | The Code of Man (Updated for 2006).
If
it weren't for the likes of Tim Allen, Paul Bunyan, or Arnold
Schwarzenegger, men would be more feminine than a BRAVOtv show about
dressing up from the perspective of 5 homosexuals. Thankfully we men
aren't in such a situation. With the dawn of new technology, a new
generation of lives, and the baby boomers starting to take a hit at
social security, new rules apply in this ballgame. The male game. And
with that, I proudly present: THE CODE OF MAN: 2006 EDITION.
 Hereeeeeeeeeeeeeee's, Paully! - Thou
shalt not view American Idol. Even if your "girlfriend" "forced you" to
do so. If you are trapped in an unescapable situation, feign a stomach
cramp and proceed to the bathroom with a laptop. From there, you will
be able to download recorded sounds of groaning, pooping, and water
splashes to be repeated over the speaker while you make your
Houdini-like escape through the bathroom window, off to freedom.
- Thine "Third wheel"
rule shalt never go forth without monetary rewards. Other forms of
payment include 2-3 meals at a moderately priced family restaurant
(Applebee's, Outback Steakhouse, TGI Fridays, etc.), a few gas
payments, or a pair of professional sports tickets.
- Always
outdrink your co-workers. Even if he makes $20,000 more than you
doesn't mean he should outdrink you as well. Show that man what a real
office employee is made of. (I have a bad feeling this is going to
promote more drunkenness at bars...)
- In the event of
calling "shotgun," girlfriends first. No "if's," "and's," or "but's."
If the girlfriend status does not apply, ladies still first, for thine
male species must show chivalry. (Side-note: No fat chicks in the
center back seat.)
 Ram Man, from He-Man (blatant ripoff of Juggernaut)...
- Man
who must accompany his significant other to Victoria's Secret shall,
from this day forward be considered a treat. No more shall we cower
behind the mannequin, or stand outside playing with our cellphone. All
men shall proceed inward to this dungeon of undergarments with pride.
If you see a brethren of man, acknowledge him with a slight nod of
existence.
- Man shall not cry during The Lion King,
King Kong, or Lord Of The Rings: ROTK. We all know how heartbreaking it
is to watch Frodo depart from his long time friends, but you're a man,
damnit! Leave the crying for the leaky faucet you promised the
girlfriend to fix last month!
- No pink. No baby blue. No
light greens. No man shall be seen in such horrendous colors (on a
man). If your fellow man is seen in such colors out in public,
automatically assume they have feminine hygiene products in their
medicine cabinet for personal use. Now, we don't want that, do we?
- It
is not "cool" to start singing songs which were obviously meant for
females (Anything from Clay "Gay" Aiken to Hillary Duff). Acting stupid
in such a way ended after second grade. This is punishable by a pair of
purple nurples (or titty-twisters for you west coast folk) from your
male friends to set you straight again.
 Mandibles...(cricket)
- Saving Private Ryan, Scarface, and the Star Wars collection (you are exempt from owning the 4th
release 'cause that one just sucked major Jar-Jar bollocks.) should be
in your DVD library. If you don't have at least one of these, proceed
to your local furniture store and purchase a glass cabinet to throw
yourself into. Repeat if necessary.
- Being caught
red-handed reading any of the following magazines is punishable by a
round of drinks on you for the one who caught you reading such smut:
GQ, Seventeen, Home, Everyday Mother, or Playgirl.
- Man
who decides to go on such diets like: Atkins, Southbeach, or Slimfast,
shall never be taken out with the boys from that day forward for
upwards of 2 months. Sulk in your corner during that time, woman!
 Manatees. OKAY! I'll stop with these puns.
- HDTVs or no TV at all. Welcome to the digital age.
- Chuck Norris is now your new role model. Gone with the past is Clint Eastwood.
- When in doubt, don't do what Ryan Seacrest would do.
- Slaps
on the ass are not looked highly upon from one male to another. Despite
what football players may do, this is purely fictional. What you don't
see (or what the camera doesn't pick up) is that these players are
swatting away bugs and grass debris from each other. "The more you
know" ::cue rainbow::
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