| | Eating Expired Beef.
It's what's for dinner.
Spring
Cleaning. A time when dust inhalation is at an all-time high, and you
discover a nest of nostalgia under your bed. Besides sneezing up a
storm, I pulled out from under my bed:
1/8 of the room.
- Old Star Wars toys (ebay, anyone?)
- Original Gameboy and dozend of games.
- A robotic dog (don't ask.)
- 2 used tissues (shut it!)
- R/C Cars from Japan.
- Old sketchbooks.
- Part of my high school locker that I ripped out after graduation.
- Class photos from 6th grade (which shall never be seen here, as they have been promptly burned in the incinerator out back.).
- National Geographic cards from 1989.
- A gun (How'd that get there?).
- Bunch of saved Xmas/birthday cards and snail mail.
- 2 cellphones.
- 80gb external hard drive.
- and most amazing of all...
 A FREAKIN' PACKAGE OF BEEF JERKY!
Sure,
it's been opened and expired a year ago, but this is what beef jerky
is about--lasting more than unwanted house guests. You see, the
ultimate meal of any man consists of beef jerky, alcohol, and vagina.
And you, by all means, make no excuse to let any of that good ish go to waste.
On noes!
It
was like finding pr0n for the first time all over again with all that
giddy anticipation--I locked my bedroom door and turned on smooth jazz
to set the mood. As
soon as I unzipped the bag, a puff of tangy air seeped into my nose.
The toxic fumes burned a few nose hairs along the way into my lungs. It
smelled like gym socks sitting at the bottom of the football team's
hamper after a game. It felt like I
just smoked a pack of cigarettes that was sitting in Barbara Walter's
anus.
2girls1cup is like an afternoon special after smelling this bag.
But my curiosity got the best of me. I just had to have a bite.
 Yeah, I eat my beef jerky topless. So did He-Man. HOOOO!
I think eating a used tampon wrapped in a soiled diaper, deep-fried would've tasted better.
Being whisked away by ambulance after quickly collapsing and
convulsing on the floor, I only suffered temporary blindness in the
right eye.
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| | Posted 5/14/2008 6:40 PM - 93 comments
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