CaKaLusa's Xanga

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Wed, 14 May 2008 18:40:32 GMT

Eating Expired Beef.
It's what's for dinner.

Spring Cleaning. A time when dust inhalation is at an all-time high, and you discover a nest of nostalgia under your bed. Besides sneezing up a storm, I pulled out from under my bed:

1/8 of the room.

Old Star Wars toys (ebay, anyone?)
Original Gameboy and dozend of games.
A robotic dog (don't ask.)
2 used tissues (shut it!)
R/C Cars from Japan.
Old sketchbooks.
Part of my high school locker that I ripped out after graduation.
Class photos from 6th grade (which shall never be seen here, as they have been promptly burned in the incinerator out back.).
National Geographic cards from 1989.
A gun (How'd that get there?).
Bunch of saved Xmas/birthday cards and snail mail.
2 cellphones.
80gb external hard drive.
and most amazing of all...

A FREAKIN' PACKAGE OF BEEF JERKY!

Sure, it's been opened and expired a year ago, but this is what beef jerky is about--lasting more than unwanted house guests. You see, the ultimate meal of any man consists of beef jerky, alcohol, and vagina. And you, by all means, make no excuse to let any of that good ish go to waste.

On noes!

It was like finding pr0n for the first time all over again with all that giddy anticipation--I locked my bedroom door and turned on smooth jazz to set the mood. As soon as I unzipped the bag, a puff of tangy air seeped into my nose. The toxic fumes burned a few nose hairs along the way into my lungs. It smelled like gym socks sitting at the bottom of the football team's hamper after a game. It felt like I just smoked a pack of cigarettes that was sitting in Barbara Walter's anus.

2girls1cup is like an afternoon special after smelling this bag.

But my curiosity got the best of me. I just had to have a bite.

Yeah, I eat my beef jerky topless. So did He-Man. HOOOO!

I think eating a used tampon wrapped in a soiled diaper, deep-fried would've tasted better.

Outcome:

Being whisked away by ambulance after quickly collapsing and convulsing on the floor, I only suffered temporary blindness in the right eye.

Beef Jerky Taint Rating:

4 out of 5 Barbara Walter Armpits.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Tue, 13 May 2008 18:49:24 GMT

NY Autoshow.
Practically the same thing as last year.

Zoom zoom!

Sweet!

Go, go, Speedracer, go!

Halo Warthog?

Richard Branson?

Arrrrr, m8ty.

The laziest "model" around. She sat there for a good 60 minutes, as she was still there when I left the show. I want to get paid for sitting down all day. Oh wait...

Yup. Why I was there.

Sexy back.

Om nom nom nom

Sprite, anyone?

Meet George Jetson.

I love New York News.

Sue Simmons, one of the anchors for the local news in NBC New York, wonders out loud "THE F*** ARE YOU DOING?" during a teaser segment on the night of May 12th.

Digging Through the Disaster.
The end is nearrrrrr!

Monday, May 12, 2008

Mon, 12 May 2008 18:57:19 GMT

What Firstborn?

When I accidentally get a girl pregnant, I’m probably going to freak out. I know this will probably happen at some time. It would be hard to make her have an abortion that would be my fault. I know that it’s really her choice. That’s why I've prepared myself for when she says she’s going to have my child. I will calmly tell her that I insist on naming the child. Whether it’s a boy or girl, their name will be “Jors”. Yes, that’s right. It will be pronounced “Yours”. Every time I see the child, I will say, “Hey! That’s Jors!”.

Just letting you ladies know what to expect.

Results may vary.

I think my chances of getting with another girl has decreased by 500%.

Ghettoriffic Photo of the Day

Nothing like enjoying a deep-fried possum on your new "swing set".

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Sun, 11 May 2008 20:56:09 GMT

An Epic Battle for the Office's TV.

There’s a war going on in many workplaces. The objective: take control of the TV.

Master the thermostat, the rest will follow!

A group of co-workers and I enjoy watching "World's Most Amazing Videos". There's something about laughing at the misfortune of others, usually brought upon by stupidity. Stupidity: a perfect complement to your lunch, next to a bag of Salt and Vinegar chips. But then there's the office rebel, vying for control of the channel being displayed on the TV, usually opting for a more yawn-ful "Court TV". Though both channels feature people who aren't exactly the brightest bulb, at least there's action in one of them--not a fight for $200 over a bad haircut.

If you find yourself in a similar situation, here are some useful arguments you can make to defend your desired break room's channel. Here in such a hostile environment, the tactics vary.

-Sometimes it’s a frontal assault by a large force, usually resulting in a mass uprising to keep/change the channel.

-Sometimes it’s a guerrilla action in which a small group creates a diversion while an assault team attacks the cable box with swift and stealthy channel changes.

-Then there’s the covert action. A single operative “acquires” the remote, makes a quick adjustment and returns the remote before it’s discovered missing.

-Finally, there’s propaganda and innuendo spread around the office by sympathizers. "Think of the children. Keep it on Spike TV."

Defending your TV against unwanted channel changes is a thankless job. But together, we can put an end to this war.

Random "Close Call" Photo of the Day

He's got a woodie. Get it? Get it?!?!

Virus Art by MIT.
Very cool.

Guaranteed stubbed toes.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Sat, 10 May 2008 18:31:54 GMT

My mom is better than your mom.

Well, if you don't have a mother, this joke would probably make me feel terribly guilty.

Saturday, May 10, 2008

Sat, 10 May 2008 12:28:07 GMT

Please, do not comment.

by the way i think you should try writing a post and tell people not to comment. see who comments.
Posted 5/4/2008 11:00 PM by jam_on_pancake

Thursday, May 08, 2008

Thu, 08 May 2008 18:47:36 GMT

Feast On Love.

Not that kind of feast. But I'll take this regardless.

To me, a feast of love is any instant (or hour or lifetime) when human beings exchange affection. It's true that sometimes we head hopefully toward what we think will be a love-feast, offer our hearts, and meet rejection. It's true that this hurts. But you'll find that love-feasts are so incredibly nourishing to your soul that it's worth the risk of heartbreak to attend even the smallest or most crowded one around.

Here are some ways to make sure you never miss a love-feast you could have attended:

1. In Benjamin Franklin's words, "If you would be loved, love and be lovable." Love-feasts are always potlucks: Each person must bring the ability to love, somehow, some way. If you're waiting for someone else to supply 100 percent of the love you need, find a therapist who's willing to accept reciprocation in the form of cash.

2. Don't hide love. If you feel it, express it -- not to demand that others love you back, but simply to live outwardly the best of what you feel inwardly. The worst that can happen to your heart is not rejection by another person, but failure to act on the love you feel.

3. If you have a choice between a feast of love and any other option, go with love. Compared with other activities, love-feasts will mess up your life, complicate your career, wear you out, make you crazy. But I guarantee that when you look back over the time you've spent on earth, the feasts of love will be the events you'll remember most joyfully, the experiences that will make you glad you have lived.-mb

Amazing Make-over!
Featuring Nancy.

Before
She'll love you long time.

After
Only $3.99/min

Degrading Sports Photos of the Day

BYAWWWWW!

BYAWWWWW!

On rotation.
Coldplay - Viva La Vida

Makes you go "oooh oooh ooooh"

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Wed, 07 May 2008 22:17:17 GMT

Hello, From the Future.

A 14 year old me and my twins. This is how we settled things.

Xanga has implemented a new feature: Future/past posting. It allows you to edit the time in which you want your post to show. Need it to post 2 days from now? It will. Want to relive the past and post it 1 year ago? Done.

I'd like to travel back in time. To make a few adjustments. There were mistakes, missed chances, regrets, actions I should've taken. But unlike Marty McFly, I don't have a time machine, nor can my beat up 1996 Jeep Cherokee reach 88mph. The things I would've told myself if I had the chance.

88mph.

I'd tell him to start paying attention in math instead of drawing.
I'd tell him to join the basketball team instead of slacking at home, watching TV instead.
I'd of told him how not to get suspended--three times in a year.
I'd tell him to learn the piano.
I'd tell him to take photography class.
I'd tell him to ask that girl out, instead of letting her fall right through your hand.
I'd tell him to start eating bigger meals during high school.
I'd of told him not to do that, or you'll get arrested.
I'd tell him about saving 10% on my auto insurance by switching to Geico.
I'd tell him to enjoy his time in high school, because you'll really miss it when you're working full-time.
I'd tell him to travel a bit more during summer vacations. Maybe Europe and Australia.
I'd tell him to forget the girls full of unrequited love.
I'd tell him to not quit the choir and listen to the teacher's recommendations.

If you could post something today for yourself to read 10 years into the past, what would it say?

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

Tue, 06 May 2008 18:33:00 GMT

The AzN Keyboard.
Another quality Cakalusa-branded product. The next big thing in Japan!

Some assembly required.

Want in on the AzN craze?
Love your "caps lock" key randomly pressed?
Enjoy having your keys misplaced on the keyboard?
Get a kick out of guessing when your spacebar works and when it doesn't want to?
Feel like getting your arse kicked by the internet community?

Then the AzN Keyboard is for you! The AzN Keyboard has been completely redesigned, inside and out. It features an elegant, Made in China lead-filled finish. It also has function keys for one-touch access to a variety of AzN features such as squinty widescreen, Engrish subtitles, auto-pr0n download, homepage key to Xanga, and hide pr0n. Its extended layout includes document navigation controls and an abacus keypad. And two USB 2.0 ports provide high-speed connectivity for your digital camera that's always with you, and other USB-based Hello Kitty dildo.

Features

Randomly placed keys.
Fashionable design. Super kawaii!
Toxic, durable high-grade silicone.
Ultra thin for outstanding fap, fap, fap, sensitivity
Shock-absorbent, tear-resistant construction for those nights you have ramen spill on the keyboard.
Easily removable, unlike your arranged marriage.
Hand washable with happy ending.

* Not compatible with White men and yellow fever.

Now with more funky colors!

With AzN Keyboard, you'll be the next big internet hit!

You: aYe!
Them: Hi.
You: h0w aRr y0oH dOin?
Them: I was better, but know I have to read your shitty ass typing
You: aH hElL nAw yOoH dInT jUsT sAe dUt

The Ting Tings - shut up and let me go.
Now all get ready to dance to your silhouette.

Monday, May 05, 2008

Mon, 05 May 2008 18:41:28 GMT

A Cakalusa Research Study On: Sex & the City.

Having wondered why so many women across America obsess over this show called "Sex & the City", I decided to do a little research. I headed to my local Blockbuster and rented Season 1 on DVD. The awkward stare and pause by the male Blockbuster cashier didn't make my transaction any smoother. I guess I shouldn't have picked up that Diet Coke along with my purchase.

THEY'RE ALL GONNA LAUGH AT YOUUUUUUU!

The DVDs are currently sitting on my desk waiting to be played on my DVD player, possibly rendering the device useless after the first 10 minutes of viewing. But for scientific research, I'm more than willing to blow $150 in the name of Man-ology studies.

Anyone interested in diving into this dark hole with me? There's plenty of Diet Coke.

Cakalusa's Humbling Moments: Terrible Typo's.

Her: This Mounds bar is good. Little too sweet.
Me: Do you like coocunt?
Her: what?!

Well, at least I'm not TERRIBLY off. Typing "coocunt" in google brings up this image:

A tasty jar of coocunt. Yummo!

That's NOT what she said. Really!

Me: Do anything in particular?
Her: I got a haircut.
Me: Oh, how's it look? Faux-hawk?
Her: How'd you know? Nah, just bangs n' layers. Nothin' big.
Me: That's what she said! (Pause) Err..not to me though!

To help celebrate my Latin heritage and Cinco de Mayo,
I will be finishing the 12-pack of Coronas in my fridge. Adios!

Mmm...beber!