I can't believe its already October. Can the year really only have two months left? So much has happened in the last ten months...it feels like everything that I've held onto, beliefs I've carried for years, dreams that have been hidden inside and the life inside of me has all come really alive in the last ten months.

Do people really go through their whole life without really feeling alive? This whole year has felt like a pursuit for things that will really make the heart God has given me come alive.

I really love the beauty of clouds in the sky. Especially the mixture of dark clouds and light clouds, the contrast between the stormy sky and the clear sky behind. It always amazes me to see the sun rays peeking behind the darkest storm clouds. I don't think the sky is always so beautiful as it is during these times and I can't help but wonder if life is the same. Life couldn't be as beautiful if it didn't have the dark clouds mixed with the light. If there was never the darkest clouds for the coming sun to shine behind, it simply wouldn't be as amazing. If there was never the rain in life, how could our hearts grow?

Its really crazy to look at certain people in my life and see the vast amounts of threads that God has used to connect our lives. Its encouraging because I can trust. I can trust that everything isn't lost because of selfish mistakes. I can trust that it isn't over, even if there was drifting. I'm kind of excited to see how God will pull everything together in the end, in a way that weaves all the hard days and precious memories together.

At this stage in my life I am just plain excited. It feels like my heart is more awake and alive and just released from all that was weighing it down before. Recently I have just been constantly surprised and overjoyed to see the beauty of how God works in my life, especially in the timing of all things. Its crazy to me how the things I thought I wanted really just came from setting my eyes on the limited picture, I was really missing the richness and fullness that comes from waiting.

Life isn't about holding back your heart and protecting yourself from all that might hurt it, its about offering it in the different forms that friendships take. To love someone, just in the basic sense of love, you have to offer your heart. And with each hurt it overcomes, it becomes stronger and more alive.

How thankful I am that I am no longer on that brink that I felt so unstable on earlier. The haze is floating away and I'm starting to see clearly again. God really does have perfect timing for everything, He never asks us to give Him something that He will not replace with something infinitely better. And it is completely safe to trust Him with all my desires, because it is He who made me who I am.

What a night...actually, what a month. So many things changed this month, and having crossed over into a new area of life, I feel uncertain about where God is leading next. This week in particular has felt so off, so many little disconnected things...looking back on last year and where I was at the end of July, it seems like I was really complacent...and I'm not sure that is somewhere that is good to be.

Starting with the new year, there have been many things that I have been praying over and things that I felt God was preparing me for in this coming year and with the end of this month and the year half over, its amazing and almost scary to see many of those things come into play. Its also scary to see the new areas that I've had to be broken into. Its amazing and its scary, but it also hurts. Before new life of any starts, there has to be some sort of death...death to self, death to an old life, death to old habits, a stripping away...not only is that process painful, but even more so when it is so misunderstood by those around you. Does it matter if people understand? Does it matter if people think you are wrong or right? In these circumstances I almost have to say no...because even though a majority of people may tell you to think a certain way, it by no means is always the right way or the best way. I don't care what a majority of people think, I care that I know that I am following step by step where God is leading and trusting in the counsel of those who know me completely, like my parents.

All this rambling coming from a heart and mind so full of so many new thoughs, so many new ideas, so many plans for the future and yet feeling like I'm stuck in that "in-between" stage. I just got back from my fourth wedding of the month...I could do a whole post on the three different weddings I went to, contemplating the styles and the attitudes and the different brides. Tonights was uniquely fun in the sense that it was spent with lots of co-workers, lots of new friends and of course dancing.

It is too late to be very coherent...but I just felt like I needed to let some of the feelings and some of the words out of my mind that has been going around and around for the last week.

suddenly, twenty-two seems frightfully old.

its funny to look back exactly a year ago and see where you were...and then compare to where you are now...in some ways, I don't even feel like the same person. I guess that is part of growing up.

I think I'm ready for friday the thirteenth.