| | Spinning it is one thing, but feeling it is another...I was talking to one of my friends the other day about reunions - mine is coming up. I told her that while I am incredibly curious to see how everyone has "turned out" after all these years, I also don't want to go. I hated high school: I hated the girls in it; I hated the uniforms; I hated the rules; I hated the cliques; I hated how it was an all-girls school; I hated it...period. She said, "You should go. Look at your life! Why wouldn't you go?"
The question, "Why wouldn't you go?" hit me as strange. "Why would I go?" seems more fitting.
In high school, I wasn't popular. I didn't aspire to be popular nor did I try to talk to the popular crowd. Our school was back-ass-ward: The popular girls weren't the typical kind of popular. They weren't very pretty; they didn't have cute guys hanging around them; they didn't wear cute clothes...and no, they weren't especially bitchy (or nice), either. How they became the popular ones had never concerned me. I didn't understand it, but I didn't spend time thinking about it. I was more concerned about finding cute boys and getting their attention - who cared about getting noticed by a bunch of stuck-up, ugly girls?
But since my reunion is coming up, I have been giving it some thought. After all these years, I think I figured it out: these girls had money. I went to an affluent high school. The families of my popular classmates owned restaurants in San Francisco, lived in Pacific Heights, were in local politics, owned businesses, and so on. I, on the other hand, was on scholarship. My mother, being a single parent, struggled to send me to this school. Because I didn't have money handed to me in buckets, I also worked a part-time job. That eliminated any extra-curricular activities after-school. While the popular kids played sports - volleyball, basketball, softball - I worked at a doctor's office. I didn't have time to be bothered with the social politics of a backwards school. I was out making spending money to buy stuff I wanted: clothes, make-up - the typical girl stuff.
I admit I am a pretty confident person most of the time. I know I'm great at my job. I know I look good for my age. I know people find my husband hot and my kids beautiful. I know I'm a terrific mother. That being said, the idea of going back to the reunion still makes me feel...small, as if what I have become isn't good enough.
My friend had asked how my former classmates could find anything wrong with my life. I replied, "It may sound good to some, but really, the bottom line is I am just a teacher, not a professor. I work part-time. And it's not as if I teach business or chemistry. And it's not like I'm teaching at Harvard."
And how does my friend react to that statement? She laughs at me, "That's all you can come up with? You work part-time and don't have a Phd. My gawd <insert California_Gal's name here>, that's pathetic. Please. People want your life. Plus, don't you know anything? It's all how you'll spin it."
Trust me, I know the game. I know how to "spin it" to make it sound good - teaching classes at the university level, the ability to work and stay home with the kids, etc. And I know it sounds good.
That isn't it. The idea of having to impress is all very exhausting. I've never had the urge to 'keep up with the Joneses' because quite honestly, there will always be someone with more money or better toys. I don't like to compare myself with other people. I think it's important just to do my best and be happy with it. And I've done that since college - just do my best and be happy with it. Unfortunately, when it comes to the thoughts of a high school reunion, I seem to regress back into that insecure mode.
My apprehension to attending this reunion, more than likely, has to do with my adolescent insecurities...and high school brings those demons back to the forefront. It doesn't help that I started googling (oh yea, can't stop the stalker habit) some people
from my high school days. Finding guys from the guys' school was a bit
easier since women usually change their last name when they marry, but
I did find a few of the girls, too. As one would suspect, many have
become doctors, lawyers, business owners, TV producers, etc.
Not surprising. I'm sure there are some that haven't fared as well, too, but I highly doubt they'd have webpages advertising as such. But again, it doesn't even matter to me about those who may not have done as well. It's all in my head - I know it and I'll figure out how to deal with it.
Thing is, even though I know how to 'spin it' - I just don't know how to feel it. Bah. Maybe I won't go.
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And so's the husband. And your life is kickass not because of what you do, but because of who you are.
