I Fallen and I cant get up... for real this time

if youre friends with me on myspace and you actually read my blog (not likely) you've heard this already.. but for the rest of the population... soo you know that feeling when a dream or a nightmare is coming true? i kind of had one of those moments today. what happened you ask??

i fell down the stairs!!

lol. its funny NOW of course. But earlier this morning I was carrying a plate, a hot pocket, and a can of this green tea stuff, going down the basement stairs as usual. I was wearing these slip on shoes that look like ballet shoes but have a real sole and everything-- and they are actually the reason I fell. I have my clumsy moments but I'm not a clumsy person generally; also when my dad came running, he commented "I see you left one of your shoes at the top of the stairs."..haha since I was at the bottom, battered and bruised with one shoe on, the other at the top. But back to the story-- there I was at the top of the stairs on about the 2nd or 3rd step, descending as usual. Suddenly, foosh, my right foot slips; right leg flies up in the air, the other leg follows.. I was half airborn as I grabbed for the railing to save me as it usually does (i've had near-falls many times) but i completely missed since my hands were full. I DID however end up turning half around mid-fall so when i hit the stairs, I ended up on my side, plate crashing around me, food and drink spilling, me and all the pieces flying down towards the waiting tile floor; as my sister put it, sliding into home plate. As soon as I dropped the plate and drink, the plate completely shattered and made the exact same sound when a cartoon character crashes into a china cabinet or a bunch of dishes in general. I've heard plates break from being dropped, but never a crash like this! The sound of what seemed like a thousand pieces breaking at the same time. Badadump, badadump.. I fell at almost the top of the stairs, so I careened down the remaining 11 or 12, a hard trip since it was stairs, so when you fall down them you go badump, badump badump.. aka a full body flying down the stairs and hitting each one on the way. Throw in the sound of the plate shattering LOUDLY and that was the experience. When I hit the bottom, my first thought was "please dont let any plate pieces have cut me bad... please dont make me go to the emergency room"...

so there I was on the ground, I got up real fast because i knew someone had to have heard me. Lo and behold, my dad came running to see if i was okay and what had happened. (badadump badadump badaCRASHHHHHdump badaddump..) I said I was okay then started to check if i was bleeding anywhere since I was surrounded by glass plate remnants, both large and small. I pulled up one of my pants legs and when I touched my leg i left a smear of blood--it wasnt too bad though, it was from a cut on my finger that was small but bled a lot. It was gushing a tad but luckily that was the only place that was. I ran to the bathroom to run it under some water, and had to sit down bc for a second standing there i got the distinct feeling passing out was in order from the bodily shock if i didnt lay down and fast! Lol i remembered from my exercise phys class, when the brain isnt getting enough oxygen it will cause you to pass out because making your body horizontal is when blood flow is easiest on the body. SOooo before my dad made it downstairs, I laid back on the floor for a couple seconds. The feeling passed, thankfully, but my fingers were still shaking a little when I went to go completely get cleaned up. The little cut kept bleeding, but I put a band aid on it and a couple other places.

My mom also came in to ask if i was okay and make sure i was cleaning myself up; of course since i just did something stupid i was all 'i can do it myself im fine' and cranky, lol. my sis also had just gotten to the house at that time so she wanted to know what was going on..ha. Just when you hope nobody noticed! Anywayyy long story short I was fine. My mom also asked to make sure I hadnt landed funny or done anything that would cause sprains, breaks, etc. I was up and walking around so I was fine. One thing that DID scare me a little though; I went into the kitchen after I was done band-aiding myself and was getting something out of the fridge to put it on the counter; and I ended up knocking a can over into the sink. It doesnt sound "bad" but it was weird bc I didnt even realize it and i was scared I bumped my head in some way that my motor skills were affected..lol. I was just shaken and tryin to act like it never happened, so im pretty sure thats why. ha.

aaanyway lets get to the blood and gore, right? injury status: my left hand has a bunch of little cuts all over it, a couple of teeny ones and 2 that are about half an inch on my forearm. Basically it looks like a bunch of cat scratches.. but oh no. lol. Counting the number of scratches on my hand: 17. From the middle of my forearm to the tips of my fingers. Theyre all little though. I also have a bruise on my leg and one that isnt visible but it sure hurts on the side of my knee. This is all on my left side, since thats the side that hit and i spent the entire stair-sliding journey on. I think i bumped my head a lil bit but its fine. 

You know what I was thinking though? I am lucky...! I am lucky i didnt 1) knock myself out only to be found lying among shards of glass and scare my parents and also 2) that i didnt hurt myself more! only a couple cuts and  minor bruises? if you think about it, that could have been a serious accident. When I said i was hoping that no glass cut me up, the VERY first thought that went through my head was "check to make sure no big pieces went through your side or back..pleeease no", because i didnt feel anything but once the shock wore off and if i found a huge, sharp chunk sticking out of me in the "vital organs region"... eeks. A person can get seriously injured from falling down stairs... eep.

so to make a long story short: cuts here and there.. teeny bruises.. completely fine otherwise!! but it was a strange experiences because recently I have been thinking about falling down the stairs almost everytime i come down them. Sooo THAT is why I began this with something about watching your dreams or nightmares come true.. thats what the experience was, it was like watching a dream I had come true, like living some random dream. I guess more like a nightmare though? But it was that weird feeling like "I have been thinking about this recently, randomly; and then it happened." I knew it... I'm psychic! haha jk.  But weird right? I thought only kids and elderly people fell down the stairs. Not 22 year olds! lol I guess accidents happen. It was also very strange how i couldnt stop myself. After i missed the railing (not that it would have done anything, i still would have come down hard and maybe hurt my shoulder in some way) it was literally...all downhill from there. Heh, sorry for the pun but its true, there was no stopping it. (you cant stop this... you cannoooooot stop this)

And so that is my tale of falling down the stairs. I had to write it out because its something that shook me up and although I am not likely to forget it, I am recording it in a tangible way. It has also been what I have been thinking about most of the day, lol. phew! Thank God I am okay!

Snow day.. on the rocks

soooo happy late v-day-- dont get a VD on VD! lol. my favorite saying for this fake holiday which is just another ordinary day in actuality but i DID indulge in some sweets. haha. ANYWAY it also snowed all day long... and wintery mix-ed for a while yesterday so today was quite pleasant, driveway wise. Heres what I did today:

9:15 dentist appt. my insurance doesnt cover it so it was 151 bucks.

10/11ish: mini shopping trip. I was looking for something but i forget what. Instead i walked out of the store with some earrings, 2 shirts and a pair of underpants. weee new underpants!!

Noon: return home and decide to do something productive: shovel the driveway

12:15 find out the snow on the driveway consists of 2 inches of icy snow and a full inch of plain ice. As the bottom layer. I started chipping away at it little by little. you know those ships that are meant to break through ice in the arctic? it was like that. I had to force the GARDEN SHOVEL under the snow/ice later, then lever it up to create cracks in order to pick up the huge chunks then heave them over to the side, not on the driveway. I did every track and field sport possible; javelin, discus, mostly shot put though.. ay yi yi.

After I performed my ice breaking duties, I had to squat down like a damn caveman after the ice age hit, throwing ice chunks to the side, simulataneously looking like a dog digging up a bone. If it wasnt shot put, it was lookin for that bone.

I continue on my ice breaking quest, occasionally stopping to clear away the snow and such. Various cars pass by. Observe me heave ho-ing like a gorilla in a coat my dad wore in the 70s and my mom's thick green gloves.

I took a small break to lay down on the snow/ice of the driveway. Got back up and it was back to work. I did a little bit more and then went to start dragging in the trash can since monday is trash day.

Dragging the shovel and trash can behind me i got a great idea.

1:04 (approximately). I went sledding down the tiny hill in my front yard. On the trash can lid! A couple times, it was fun! Lol for a couple minutes, this 22-almost-23 year old turned into a kid again, in dad's coat and mom's gloves, skidding down the hill on a snow day.. lol. I also tried to "ski" down but it turned out more of me slipping a bit, then stopping, then slipping more, like going down a metal slide on a hot day. haha.

and then I went back inside. and here i sit. haha just wanted to share, and if no one cares well then one day i will be going back through my xangas and remember the day i went sledding on the trash can lid! we've had that trash can forever..lol as long as i can remember.

Soundtrack of my life... according to itunes

The soundtrack of my life, according to itunes shuffling my music... lol some of them are real stupid! But some are funny and most of them dont fit.. i think im going to play again.

Opening Credits:
"How Deep is Your Love"

End Credits:
"Memories are Made of This" by dean martin

well well well...look who it is. lol, its me, its me! Hello out there to the vast space that is xanga. And if you're one of the readers unlucky enough to be subscribed to my list.. im sorry. haha, kidding i GUESS but its been quite some time now. which means there no doubt is a long, philosophical rant in the not so distant future. I used xanga in the past to write as in journal-writing, but since people read it, i always censored it to some degree. (I always have fears about writing down my innermost thoughts... even just seeing them on paper is like exposing them to the world, not to mention the fact a hard copy is definitely find-able by some other pair of hands) and I dont believe in writing those "private" entries that no one can read, for myself, anyway. Because that defeats the purpose of xanga, right? you publish whatever you want. I like other people reading what I wrote, and so I'm not going to write something on a public page then its unviewable to others... But thats just me, me and my neuroticness with writing things down. To me, my thoughts are my own, and I do with them what I please... lol that sounds very poetic doesnt it?

I've also noticed my online writing, whether it be a blog like this or a message, or instant messaging or whatever, is littered with "lol" and "haha".. I put lol in place of where I would smile or grin or maybe laugh in regular conversation--something to demonstrate the presence of humor. Just a filler I suppose but it actually gets on my nerves when I write it a lot..lol.

aaaannnyway, nothign is going on in my life right now. pretty much, things are boring, nothing new and exciting. Part of the problem is myself, no doubt, if not ALL of the problem. I complain and complain about nothing happening and how bored I am and how I want to be doing something else. All the time I hear "so are you looking for another job?" or something about when I will change somethign I complain about.. lol but mostly i hear the job thing. And I dont have a real answer for that, but basically I think its because I'm "afraid" to go from a state of steadiness to something unstable where I would be back to square one, living at home with no income, steadily going broke. haha, and we all know how great that is, right? One of those 'settling' and becoming comfortable in a situation you dont really care about, but its stablilty. weeeeeell I used to think that would never happen, but it seems to be happening before my very eyes. HOWEVER I am attempting to justify it all.. I'm staying at this job because I'm contracted under an agency-- and i've already turned down the opportunity to go permanent once (i think) and here are some of the terms of the agency: unless I get picked up by the company, if I choose to terminate my contract before 6 months from when I started working, I cant use another agency for 6 months AFTER i quit or whatever. (um... hopefully it will be quitting and not firing, lol). The other condition is that if I were to leave before I got picked up by the company and before the 4 month period is up, I ALSO cant get a job in the same "field" as the company ie stem cells and scientific things like that for another TWO years. And despite the fact that I claim I wont be staying in this field after this job, it still seems like a bad idea to limit options. (what? I'M being practical?? when did this happen) Sooo, even though I didnt think i'd make it past 2 months working, the end of january makes it 5 months. One to go, right? so i guess after the end of february I really have no excuses.

on the other hand, i really shouldnt be complaining about having a job.. because how many people wish they did, i bet. Its not even "necessary" if you look at it like that since i live at home. If i had zero dollars i'd be spending my days moping around the house, watching non-cable tv and eating but i'd still be alive? right? And thats step one... survival, lol.. in the stone ages thats all people had to strive for, whenever it was man co-existed with dinosaurs survival was top priority... Not gettin that paycheck every week or 2 weeks, to put a down payment down, or pay bills or buy clothes or something. eh. times are a-changin. So long story short: I am employed for the time being and thats a lot. Saving up is the first step to..doing something.

i'm also at that point in my life where i have absolutely nothing holding me back pretty much.. No outstanding financial matters, no serious job commitment, no ANY serious commitments. So whats the problem?

lol I am tempted to end this entry right there, leave it open to interpretation to the reader what the problem is..that i am a genius tormented by my own situation, that I am suffering from the world crushing my spirit, that I am the victim.. but am I? no. I dont think so. Lol, thats just me being dramatic, we all like to think that the world is against us and eager to push us back down when we try to get up. And in actuality, it can be like that sometimes in a lot of serious matters (insert insightful statements about how wrong the world is today here.. more like an epic) but I think thats also an excuse people use in certain times. (note to reader: this statement used to project irony of how people aka me use it as an excuse NOT how everyone does because in many many many situations when people are standing up for themselves, against establishment, trying to make big changes, etc, the government/hierarchy/powers in power/the "system" in general WILL push them back down).. uhh where was i.. lol. another long story short-- am I REALLY that lazy?? what has gotten into me?

Mmm perhaps lack of decisiveness brought on by apathy. Thats the recent name of the game, that I dont care about anything. Nothing grabs my interest anymore, I am lacking my muse, I am woman hear me roar..ha. From another xanga writer on my subscriptions list, a friend i know from college, he wrote something i think kind of similar to what i'm trying to describe, relating this state to am 'anti-depressant drug induced state of apathy"... something like that I dont remember exactly- I can look that up later, but anyway if you are subscribed to me, steve m, then yes that phrase has stuck with me ever since you wrote it down. lol i always said you should go into writing and movies. aaanyway as soon as I read that it hit home.. a state of being where you're not really depressed because nothing is going really wrong; but then again nothing is going really "right" either. Things are just going. Time is passing and with it everything else. (getting dramatic again). hahha look at me. I really am the mad scientist figure right now, holed up in my basement, a nocturnal creature of the night, creating feverishly (and by that i mean writing in xanga but not really feverishly), away from the real world, never seeing the light of day... and although i dont want to admit it I dont remember the last time i showered... hahaha.. YES I know thats disgusting. but it couldnt have been more than a couple days. Thats another thing, I dont REMEMBER anything anymore. So i'll sum up my mad scientist existence: Up through the night in the lab, doing twisted and demented experiments that gross everybody out, demolishing human bodies, up to my elbows in blood and guts, never seeing the light of day, isolated, hollow eyed, day in and day out.. lol. Dramatic, but surprisingly accurate for the most part. ug. welll I am goin to try to stop while i'm ahead, i think you get the picture and enough of this complaining!

hm. anything else? nah. maybe update later! peeeeeeeeeeeeeas and carrots

2 weeks in a different world

well... i havent written in quite some time. (to make an understatement). like taryn has mentioned about herself, i have also neglected my xanga. however im writing in it right now for i dont know what reason, other than no one is around and things are... strange.

basically-- i just got back from BRASIL where i was for 2 weeks.. and i dont want to write about my trip, i dont want to talk about it to anyone really right now... but i want to observe how i feel.

everything is quiet. my house, my basement, my thoughts...my brain and heart? its very odd, i dont know whether to say at peace or not.. because its not a happy kind of quiet, nor a sad one. just mellow i suppose... ive been travelling for almost 2 days and im finally home after a little over 2 weeks of being not only in a different country but a different continent all together, a faraway "exotic" place.. now that im back how do i feel? like biggie said, "it was all a dream..." nothing feels real right now-- i feel like my house is not my house.. i am not me, my things are not my things. There were some big changes on the trip, some BIG changes; some i didnt like at all. A lot of the time I didnt feel like me. Lately though in the past couple months i have NOT been feeling like me. at all. And now i dont know how i feel. Its strange though, because its not like i am walking around, wildly confused and trying to figure out whats wrong. I just feel like i could melt into the ground right now without a sound and be absorbed into the earth. (hippie-ish right..) all im saying is... its weird. and quiet. Extremely quiet.

i think this is one of those things when it hits its going to hit hard.