Look Out....She's On a War Path

*sigh* I don't know if any of you can relate, but sometimes I just HATE studying the Bible like it's a textbook. I understand that we're at a Christian university--we need to take Bible classes. Fine, I get it. I will admit that in these required classes I have learned a lot that I hadn't known before.....placing your hand under your Father's thigh was a way of taking an oath. Who knew?? FASCINATING!!! That revelation has completely opened my eyes to God's Word and has deepened my understanding of His message of Salvation.  But moving on...

I was just released from one of the most frustrating class meetings I have ever had while here at TIU. Doc Rock's NT class was taught by her TA today. Judging by the doofy clothes, the smug attitude and the way he threw  words like, "Ecclesiology", "Gnosticism", and "Orthopraxis" around, he had SEM STUDENT written all over him. The classroom's reaction was almost instantaneous: "Alright you self-righteous jerk....what have you got to say?" This guy gained no respect BECAUSE he demanded acknowledgment of his authority. We were rolling our eyes and scrounging for other homework long before he uttered his first word. However, despite all this I decided to give the guy my full attention. I figured, "Hey. He's not studying to be a teacher (which is a problem in itself), he's studying to be a Biblical scholar...I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he has something worthwhile to say." Ugh, now I remember why it's dumb to ASSUME*.....

Today's lecture was supposed to be about the history and significance of 1 & 2 Timothy and Titus. I was actually looking forward to hearing more about these Pastoral Epistles especially after hearing such a magnificent and challenging speaker in chapel. Dr. Brenda's message was that our generation's time is NOW for furthering and impacting God's kingdom. It was powerful but I'm getting off topic!

When I read 1 & 2 Tim and Titus I see the personal letter of a mentor to his disciples...the sons Paul never had. I see the care, concern and conviction a pastor has for his young leaders. Two things happen when I read these letters: 1. I gain encouragement to not be afraid of young age. God will use ALL ages to lead and guide His church. We are never to be intimidated by those older than us. Respectful? Absolutely! Intimidated? No! 2. I feel as though I am reading someone else's mail. The tenderness and love that is evident in these letters makes me almost embarassed to to read them.

Dr. Wannabe completely missed the point! Wanna know what we spent a MAJORITY of our time discussing???? Objections to the credibility of Pauline authorship and DATE of authorship. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!? Okay....I understand that as educated Christians we should know that such debates exist. I get it. HOWEVER, I fail to understand the need to spend 35 minutes discussing these two subjects in an Undergrad-Intro-Core Requirement class. There were so many other places he could have gone with his lecture.

I guess my biggest objections are twofold. 1) Don't be a jerk. We may be undergrads, we may be less knowledgable about how to use the Library of Congress numbering system, heck we might not even know we HAVE a library on this campus, but we are all in college! We are here to learn and we all have brains. Do NOT speak to me as though I'm 6 and I have never picked up the Bible. I LITERALLY sat on my hands every time Prof. In His Dreams asked if there were questions. I had the strongest urge to say, "Yes. I have a question. How old are you? Because I'm 23 and I doubt you are MORE than a few months older than I am so would you please stop talking to me like you have SO MUCH more brain power than I do. In fact there are SOME students here that are OLDER than you are! And also, would you please remove that smug smile and fake pastor voice before I walk up there and slap you?" (I wonder what his reaction would have been....he'd probably hit me with his Concordance.)

The other problem. He had NO passion! Oh sure, I could almost SEE his panties bunching while he discussed the support for Pauline authorship. And when he finally jumped up and down on THAT dead horse for the last time, he moved on to the debate over date of authorship. He practically started frothing at the mouth due to his excitement over the evidence which supported a 4th Missionary Journey. Yippee skippee! I ask you, WHO ON GOD'S GREEN EARTH CARES?!?!?!? I mean bsides this guy and COUNTLESS other scholars who've dedicated their LIVES to arguing these facts (wich I think is pitiful).

Despite all of this, I didn't see the spark--the fire in his belly. I didn't see Dr. Bore getting charged up about what these letters SAID. Paul is passing on the torch!!! Which after many, many centuries has finally been passed to us! That is why we are here....at college....to take the torch and follow Paul's instructions to "Fight the good fight of the faith. Take hold of the eternal life to which you were called when you made your good confession in the presence of many witnesses" (1 Tim 6:12).

I missed all that and ultimately, that's what made me sad and frustrated. The fact that this young man, paled by the halogen lights of the Library and aged beyond his years due to scholarly talk, had missed this passionate and soul-wrenching instruction broke my heart. I hurt for this man's future congregation. Whoever his future church is will hire one the most educated, scholarly men from Seminary and therefore pass up a man with a keen sense of what God's Word is really SAYING!
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*To ASSUME makes an ASS of U and ME!

To My Brothers and Sisters

Dear You,

Yes you! I must let you know...you never look more beautiful or attractive than when you're worshipping your Father. 

Sister, I love the way your face turns upward with your beautiful, sparkling eyes closed. You have a look of peace, and suffering, and happiness, and sadness, and pure wonderment. You wish to hear from your LORD. You wish to be close enough to hear His precious words on your upturned face. Suddenly your true beauty is clearly evident. You are caught in the gaze of your Father. You know there is nothing more beautiful to Him than you in this moment. And for a split second, here on Earth, you shine brighter. Your beauty pours out of your delicate features as a single tear slides down your lovely cheek. Your Father has spoken and you have heard Him. He reminds you that He didn't make a mistake with you! He created you to embody all that is beautiful and majestic in this World. Your delicate feminine beauty envelopes you like the most exquisite of Cashmere shawls. Today is a new day! Your Father has forgiven you.

And YOU brother, I love watching your strong, masculine hands lifted in a sign of begging. Begging to be filled with love and mercy while also offering a small, pathetic attempt to acknowledge your Father's glory. You were built for strength and protection. Someday a young woman will see her Knight in Shining Armor the first time she looks at you, but for now, you are here to admit your weakness. You seek the LORD to fill you...to make you the man He meant for you to be because until this very moment you have felt so inadequate. The past week is suddenly playing before your mental eye and you cry out in sadness at the images of you falling so very short of your Father's expectations. The look of heartache and disappointment rearrange your handsome face into a scowl of anger. Then you feel the light of Him. He reaches out and touches your upraised hands and in that moment you become stronger. You can feel yourself lifting your head and squaring your broad shoulders. Today is a new day! Your Father has forgiven you.

You have both felt so unfulfilled. Your hopes, your dream...they seem so far off! God has given you desires that you are suddenly frightened will never be realized. The two of you are here...worshipping. Begging the God of the Universe, your Maker, your Father to gaze at you through His Son. You are here asking Him to see what it is that He would have you to be and not what you truly are.

I love watching all of you worship. Sometimes I'm so caught up in watching all that I can, it becomes a form of worship itself. Every time I see a person physically expressing personal burdens and prayers, I thank my Father for allowing me to watch that tender moment. Brothers and sisters I had to share this with you! The last time I was able to watch all of us worshipping together, I was overcome with joy! What a special, albeit brief, moment to share with all of you. Those are the moments you couldn't PAY me to be anywhere else.

You are each uniquely wonderful people and would you believe me if I told you that I love being in this community with all of you? I have never met a more loving group of people. Of course, being realistic, we are FAR from perfect...and some days even IDEAL is a stretch. But aren't ALL brothers and sisters like that? We have our moments but for the most part the community (the family) continues on unscathed.

So my Trinity community as we learn and grow in education, we also learn and grow in faith. I can tell by the looks ou your faces, our campus is riddled with growing pains. And that's okay! Ask. Challenge. Doubt. Reread. Rethink. And ask, challenge and doubt again! But always keep coming back to the feet of your Father. If for nothing else, than to give Him thanks for allowing you to voice those questions and doubts.

Sincerely,
Your Fellow Student and Sister in Christ

Well Looky Here

This picture makes me....

Smile
Cry
Want to sing
Want to tell the whole world
Want to tell no one
Want to hug her and never let her go
Want to smell her hair
Want to have my own
Want to believe that everything can be right with the world
Remember that sometimes I just don't feel right....because she's not with me
Remember she is exactly where God wants her to be

The One In Which I Have a Funny Moment

This is just a snapshot into my life...nothing more, nothing less.

I went to check my mail with Amy and found a piece of paper folded up with my name on the outside. I opened it up and skimmed the greeting line and the closing line.

I was just about to make a snide remark about how it was ANOTHER missionary bothering me for money when I read who it was from.

It was Elyse. Haha. So yeah, she's going to Africa...and she deserves my money. Not to mention I already promised it to her.

In all seriousness though, I'm glad that people like Amy and Elyse are available to God. Women who strive to have His heart and mind when it comes to those suffering in other places. These two are not content to sit  back and let someone else minister when they themselves are perfectly able and capable. I admire that. I know God is going to use me in His own unique way. In a way that is so specially suited to me that no one else, even Amy and Elyse, would be able to do it as well as I will be able to.

This gives me hope in the dark times. It's something to cling to...I'm getting there people. The darkness overwhelms and consumes, but only for a time. Only for God's SET amount of time....that time is slowly ending. A new season is beginning....

Just as that nip of chill starts to settle in the air.

Dear God....I Hate You.

If you're going through hell
Keep on going, don't slow down
If you're scared, don't show it
You might get out before the Devil even knows you're there

Truer words have never been spoken. Depression is a weird thing. It's like a thick wet blanket that covers everything I do. It creates a heaviness that most days I am able to fight off. But slowly I begin to give in...my fighting spirit dwindles and then in what feels like a blink of an eye, I suddenly no longer have control.

YOU try fighting everyday for your heart. YOU try battling uphill everyday for your thought life. YOU try going to God every minute of everyday asking Him to grant you the strength to make it to the next minute.....

It's tiring. Slowly I start to tire. God sees it fit not to ease up on the relentlessness of it all. I have to deal with that.BUT I DON'T TO DO IT EVERY F-ING DAY!!! So sue me. I know...."pick up thy cross daily". WHATEVER! I know.

When I finally surrender and give up, it's not that I start thinking illogically. It's a strange sensation. I know I want to be around people. I know all I need to do is open my door and talk to people, but just I don't have the energy. I don't have the heart to do anything but sleep....yeah, just sleep.

It becomes an overwhelming sense of loss and hopelessness....helplessness. I can't make it go away. I feel victimized--unable to defend myself against depression's oppressiveness.

Where do I go from here? I've finally said it out loud. I'M IN THE MIDDLE OF A DEPRESSIVE SLIDE!!! Now what?? I've said the magic words. I want healing. I want to not be here any more. I want my normal mentality, my heart, my head....MY LIFE!! I want it back!!! This shell of "me" that I am right now doesn't seem right. It's not who I want to be....so why can't I have what I want? Is it wrong to want my health? Am I not to have it? Is that what God has given me to bear? There are meds for it....do they over rule God's Sovereignty?? Am I supposed to be completely dependent on Him to heal this??? Why is He taking more than 20 years to do so? Why isn't there an end in sight?

Why won't God grant me this prayer!? I've gone to my knees more times than I care to count about this. I give up. My prayers are hitting a brick wall. Turning my back is the last thing I want to do. I cling to my relationship with God. It gets me through these dark and heavy days. But when the relationship seems overwhelmingly one-sided, I can't help but feel lost, forgotten....unloved.

When all is stripped away...there's nothing left to do but pray. I don't know what to pray any more. I have run out of ways to ask. I can't think of another way to pray and ask Him to make this go away. I just can't...