The mental, psychological and physical impurities of humans is what leaves individuals for whom are weak, with solemly chaotic lives.  They feed of those impurities that damages their body, physically and spiritually.  Not to mention for every impurity there is a method for curing them; most seek these methods, temporarily succeed at their methodologies, then only to fail because the structure clashes with the impure of what makes individuals, themselves.  My mental weakness, impurity, is the method that I am incapable of saying no; a process that leads me to do wrong.  My psychological weakness is that I have to create a crutch to keep me upright.  My physical weakness is that in the eyes of different individuals I am: fat, ugly, weak, stressed, crazy, insane, and an abundance of adjectives that humans can see fit to appropriate.

A weakness is what is killing to the psyche.  I guess you would insert some philosopher's quote here, albeit I can't think of whom to place here.  If I known of anybody at all.  It feels that as individuals around me have become more adapting, well adjusted, to their environments, I have digressed.  Those whom say that the smart people lead the easier lives are surely mistaken.  The smart people are those who are able to live smartly through life; incapable of working hard, because they do smartly, before the effort.   And I've run out of melarchy.

I need to just shut up, and deal with it, because it's life.  Which means make a *bleeping* change and commit to it.

Blogging gives you one feature about life, and albeit it has been few-and-far-between within the past few months, clearly my disdain for school must have a cause.  I have narrowed it down to:

• school
• work that masks my scholarly life

This semester has been trying to say the least.  I have been ridiculed in front of my colleagues by my boss to the point that the people who work under me do not take me seriously anymore.  Many of my coworkers see me as a running gag--"oh Akil is not happy, so he takes it out on us."  And so forth.  Most hurtful, using Leah as a mule to denote their problems about me has been noted.  I'm unhappy to say the least.

Now if it is school, I'm constantly tired and unmotivated after a long days work.  As a graduate assistant, you put up with the bullshit of everyday work.  You study at 2 a.m. in the morning because it is cliche to do.  You live your life eating ramen noodles, tuna sandwiches and living off of Duane Reade at 4 a.m. in the morning.  Rockstar is an addiction, because, after drinking the notoriously fabbed energy drink, I crash asleep.  Not that it does not work, but not even "Foamies" (aka Starbucks; now at Poly) cannot keep me awake at night.

Motivation vs. Responsibility is a killer.  I have taken on too much responsibility, where all I want to do is delegate it.  Delegate so others have more stake, more responsibility to do what they need to do, and should satisfy their thirst, for being so meniachally screwed in the head for not realizing what pressure that this leads on me.  My human fault is that I'm too accomodating.  I'm the pillow to the Department, because I'm a graduate student--a graduate assistant--and we are the mules to our respective Departments that keep the heart of the University running.  Sometimes, other than doing everything and everything, may be they need to trust us; and realize that when we run things, it can actually run without a hinge (e.g. when I started advertising, they did their job, and nobody said anything about having them in the office).  When my supervisor got pissy for them just being around...now, I lost a helpful source of getting work done.  When I was alienated from the office monitors, I was the one who ended up being in trouble for being incapable for getting my work done.

Therefore, it is all my fault.

Lately, I have just sucked it in a little and dealt with it.  May be Dom Imus can get a little of this thing called life too from being fired.

There is no joy about him being fired.  I do not feel bad that he was canned during his fundraising efforts through his show for sudden infant death syndrome, or the fact 10 million people listen to his gospel.  Imus is Imus.  He had been the guy on radio to freely spout water from the mouth without a guide to hold it still.  Imus, set a bed for his own problems, and the fact that he was trying to do something nice, or be nice, or be apologetic to the words he said, does not dismiss the fact, never dismisses the fact that what he said was his inalieable truth of the person Imus really is.

People apologize; those who apologize for the little things just note that they have faults.  Those who attempt to apologize for things that are said that they will never understand the underminings of being of whom they lashed out at, of their ideology that they agree with can never understand what it is to be in that situation.

So, I won't apologize for my faults to anyone but myself.  And those who think I expect an apology from can kiss my fat black badonkadonk!