.. all along in my life i get used to seek attraction from others. and perhaps i am fortunate enuf that everyone just pampers me as much as s/he can. but then when others are not around what remains in me is extremely low self value. i admit that i am not comfortable with myself. i am not as confident and cheerful as others expect and as i suppose.

now i realize it's me who begs recognition to begin with. but as always, and all along in my uni education, that too late self-realization always makes me collapse.

i hate myself. the kind of self-abjection pushes me to a verge that even me despise myself. it's painful, but i promise myself, and some important ones, that i will go thru a journey of self-discovery this summer and hopefully at the end i will sort my way out and relieve the burden from others.

i know actions needa speak this time, not mere words.

.. its been a long time since i last dropped a word here. but the experience of today did deserve a post here:

i am able to sit in front of hartmann and next to 7 counsels with an one-piece dress n white cardigan!!

so everybody around me is dressing formally with black proper suit jackets but i am the exception lol

hartmann did "bear" at me once but i guess he thought i was ICAC staff so he didnt say anything..

perhaps it sounds non-sense to everyone but.. such an encounter is enuf to make me feel good~

但願天都知道我感激
狂風與浪濤亦敢擁抱
有你在路途　生命有味道　如何甜酸都好

.. As I always say Mozarts clarinet concerto is reli a good clarinet piece, and i like this playing so much.

Ms natalie ip siu kwan, if u see this entry please find the score for us after ur exam lol~

and i wonder if Eugenia, Charlotte, me and Ip will be able to play this Super Mario piece together. I bet we will play better than they do if we have practice hahahah

.. finally i have completed the draft this afternoon. although it is not perfect n greatly exceeds the word limit, i am contented n feel like i have achieved something. at least i have got the framework on hand now and can amend it after further discussion n guidance. the sense of achievement makes every hardship in the past 10 days worth.

so i go out to have buffet dinner happily tonight. its even happier than having my own birthday dinner last week when i am stress-free. and i even get myself a bday present after dinner. its the adidas monogram superstar sleek i have been longing for since a few weeks ago. i also look forward to running n having nice steak tomorrow..

but then sadness falls on me again after i read the subject homepage. i discover that there are two people in my year doing the same topic as mine. while one focuses on a narrower scope, another one's topic is totally identical. i know everyone can write on it but i just dun want comparison, especially my fellows are academically stronger than i do. if they can write exactly the same or even better than i do with half amount of words, my paper will be deemed poor. its the direct comparison i would like to avoid when i first take this research course. i think i am the only one, and may be able to get a better grade as long as i work hard, but now i know.. it wont happen..

there's nothing more depressed than realizing this news. you may say i worry too much but everything is just reasonably foreseeable. comparsion is a fact, and there must be at least one loser in competitions. and the loser must be the one who doesnt have better materials, arguments, writing style, languages, that is, me..

i always say i dun mind hard work, but effort has to be paid off at the end. when i know it is very unlikely to be realized, it leaves me in insomnia.. and.. misery alone.. will anybody understand?

birthday is under stress, and i must thank all people who remember and celebrate with me. post-birthday is even worse, and i reli hate to be 23. unfortune.. when will u stay away from me?