well said!

Here are mine and Trish's cats playing. This is what they do 95% of time time. The other 5% is eating and sleeping.

i'll make this short and sweet:

• i hate summer school. i've got classes and outplacements from 7:30-3:00 every day, then i'm working every other night. and i have night class until 9 on tuesday. i want my summer back!
• my outplacement for the summer is at a place called golden living center in uniontown, pa. i LOVE that place! it's kind of like a nursing home, but a lot of people go home from there, too. i'm working with a hilarious Speech Pathologist, and she's letting me do a lot of stuff. i'm getting to see a variety of patients so it's been really good. i never really thought i would enjoy working with the older population, but just sitting with them during meals and talking to them throughout the day has been such a blessing. i could definitely see myself doing that as a career one of these days.
• speaking of clinicals, my autistic client escaped from the room on the first day, then ran across the hallway and into the dean's office. i was so embarrassed. so i picked him up and took him back. not sure if i should have carried him at arm's length across the hall, but my patience is wearing thin these days...
• i'm also working one-on-one with a stroke patient who is 6 years post. he's making a lot of progress, and i'm loving working with him. he's a hard worker, so i'll go in with a huge  pile of material and we storm right through most of it. it's nice to not have to make therapy so fun.
• i got a new camera!

i am kind of in love with it.

• i'm seeing carrie underwood again in huntington tomorrow. hello, baby mama. LOL
• i am quitting chickfila on august 1! i have to go to a camp for disabled kids in july, and i'm putting my two weeks in when i get back. that will make my last day august 1. then, i'll have a nice two weeks of NOTHING before the fall semester starts. that's going to be so nice. i'm going to love not having a monumental stress level for the first time in 3 years. grad school in itself is tough, but adding 35 hours of week on top of that each week is almost unbearable.  i'm still praying that it all works out, but it looks like the loan is going to be available and everything will work out.
• i'm picking bekah up at the airport on june 22. it's going to be fun to have my best pal here for a while.

ok, i think that's all. i have to go to work now. i thought i was supposed to be there at 3:00 today, and i accidentally fell asleep on the couch and woke up at 2:55. after the freak out, i got dressed faster than i ever have in my entire life. so i came back home to eat, etc etc, and now i'm cutting it close again. you can really tell that i dont give a hoot.

well, here I am.

I haven't written anything for about 2 months.  my crazy schedule, finals, work, and all that jazz has basically consumed every free moment for the past few months. who am I kidding? how about the past 2 years...

If I jog my memory for a few minutes, maybe I can think of something interesting that has happened in my life lately.

...

no luck.

Everything has been good. It could be better, but it could always be worse too.  This past semester was tough.  Not only were the classes a bit harder, but I had to stand up for myself a few times with a professor who I felt was being unfair.  It was just a matter of seeing something that is being done wrong and wanting to at least speak my mind, even if nothing would be changed. And... it didn't change, but I felt so much better knowing that I saw something wrong and at least tried to make it fair even though I couldn't. I've never really done that before--standing up to someone in authority. I usually just swallow my pride, accept things for what they are, and move on with my life. I guess sometimes you just have to stand firm once in a while. I want to learn that lesson young... so after that whole ordeal, I really had to step up my performance all across the board and prove myself to this professor. I had to prove that I am a good student and that my performance in and out of his class merit my good reputation. A lot was on the line as well. I needed to get 80% or else I wouldn't get the competencies I need for his class, then I would have to retake it. that would not make me a very happy camper. Everything worked out perfectly in the end, though. thank you, jesus!

I have classes all summer. It makes me extremely not happy, mostly because I can feel myself getting so burnt out and I would love to have the entire summer to myself just to chill. The summer is split into 3 sessions. The first 2 are 3 weeks long, with the same class each day, so it ends up being an entire semester's worth of coursework in 3 weeks. This session I have class from 8am-noon. The 8am class isn't bad, but I keep battling sleep in my 10:00 class. I'm needing some caffeine pills, speed, whatever to get through that class. It's just not working. We have classes the second session starting at 7:25am. Yes. Class at 7:25 in the morning. That time of the day is not conducive to good learning, lol. Good thing we have the same guy for both morning classes, and he keeps us all on our toes pretty well. I guess it's not really that bad.

I'm just so tired. I don't sleep well at night. I usually get home from work around 11:45 each night, then I'll have a load of schoolwork to do. By the time I wind down and finally get to bed, it's usually around 2:30 or 3am. I've always had trouble sleeping, so I never fall asleep right away. Sometimes I'll just lie there until 5am just wishing I could sleep. There's nothing worse than being so tired that you feel like you could just breakdown and stop working, but you still can't fall asleep. I'm always up by 8, so I end up getting around 3 or 4 hours of sleep.  And people wonder why I'd rather crash and burn on days when I don't have anything to do. It's hard to go full speed on a constant state of sleep deprivation.

Right now, I'm thinking very seriously about quitting my job at the end of the summer and not working for my last year of school. My schedule will be insane anyway, my hours would have to be cut drastically, and I'm not sure I can take much more of that place to begin with.  The negativity that fills me when I think about where I work is so unhealthy.  I constantly go to work in a bad mood. So many people there put me in a bad mood because it's a constant rumor mill, gossip farm, and a plethora of two-faced people. I just don't care to be a part of that place anymore.  One option that I'm thinking very seriously about is taking out a $3,000 student loan to completely pay off my rent through the end of my lease, with a little extra money left over for groceries, gas, etc. Right now, it totally seems worth it to me.  Clearing chickfila out of my life would free up SO much of my schedule, and so much of my stress would be completely gone! I'm also going to see how much I can expect to get back from my student loans in the fall. If the refund will be big enough, I may not have to take out the extra loan afterall.  I'm going to pray about it. Right now it feels right, though.

ok, enough about all that.

check out the trailer "Australia" starring Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman, due out in November. It looks AMAZING!

I totally cannot wait to see that!

 

I'm taking care of myself this summer. I'm not going to worry about working myself to death so I can pay the rent. I'm going to trust that God will provide what I need, and I'm taking quite a few weekends off to do things for ME. Bekah is coming to WV in a month for a wedding, and we'll get to hang out a bit, so that will be FANTASTIC!! 

I'm taking off the July 4 weekend, which I haven't been able to do for the past 3 years!

I'm hoping to see Coldplay again this summer, wherever they may be closest to me. They're only my most favorite band of all time. New album is due out June 17!!! can't wait for that!

Now that it's starting to get warm, I'm going to start taking better care of myself. I've already decided that I'm going to try to walk 4 miles every other day. I've got to start trying to be in better shape and practice healthier habits. I want to be around to play with my kids, and my grandkids, and my great grandkids. Also, I tried to run to my car from my apartment door a couple weeks ago. I made it halfway. This is a HUGE deal. I used to love running, but since I hurt my knee 2 years ago, I haven't been able to. I know I won't be able to do it as much as before, but that's a personal goal I've set for myself.  

Plus, I was at the mall today to take advantage of the memorial weekend sales, and I noticed how sexified everything is. It makes me want to vomit. No wonder people are sticking their fingers down their throats and starving themselves and cutting themselves and shooting people in malls and schools.  When everything around kids tells them that they have to fit a certain mold to be sexy or cool, it's bound to kill their self-esteem and make them hate who they are. Hell, that kind of stuff STILL gets to me to this day. I've struggled with my self-image for forever.  Luckily, I've learned a lot about how to not let it get to me as badly, and some about how to not care, but there's no erasing those kinds of feelings.  I envy people who can let the things people say bounce right off without even reacting. Self-esteem issues aren't just a girl thing, either. Everyone: guy/girl, black/white, straight/gay, Christian/atheist, whatever.... all have the right to feel good about ourselves. We didn't come out of a cookie cutter, and I really wish the world would stop acting like we did.

I love getting on my soapbox.

edit!

i found this picture of blackwater falls that i took on my birthday 2 years ago. that was the birthday right after i screwed up my knee and i had been stuck in the house all summer. i was DYING to go somewhere...ANYWHERE. i love this picture:

that's all!

be blessed. i'll see you when i see you....

I know I said that I wouldn't be updating any longer, but you know how it goes... When most of your conversations usually happen with yourself, you know you need another place to get all your thoughts out. Thank you, Xanga.

Today makes a month exactly since my last entry. Not a lot has happened. I went to church on Easter, which was a huge deal for me. The last time I had gone to church, was the Easter of the previous year. It had been a year, give or take a week or two. How do I start this?...

I firmly believe that I've gone through several spiritual seasons over the last year of my life. Around this time last year, I was cutting my ties with a campus ministry that I was deeply connected to. I had formed so many wonderful friendships, learned more than I could have imagined, I had grown so much with those people, but I was also starting to feel so wounded, looked over, and hurt. Had I not gone there in the first place, I would have never gained as much confidence as I have. I'm thankful for that. However, at the end, I was starting to feel bitter that things were they way they were. I didn't like some of the things I was seeing, I didn't like the circle at the center of that ministry that didn't try to reach people, and I was not growing. I had to cut my losses, accept that my season there was over, and move on. Some of my dearest friends had graduated and moved on, and my time to leave was here.

My first mistake came shortly after. I left that ministry, moved out of the house with my friends, and decided to put God on the backburner. Deep in my heart, I knew that it wasn't worth all the pain of feeling lost, just like it didn't work for any of the people I have ever known who always speak about NEEDING Him. Being my foolish self, I walked away. I let myself turn around to where I couldn't even see God in my peripheral vision. Silly, foolish child.

That's when I let myself spiral. It's like whatever forces there are in the world knew exactly what I had decided. Everything about me and my life began to change almost immediately. My thoughts changed... Now, I've always been sort of scatter brained. I've always taken a few things straight to the gutter, but this was different. I was more quick to anger and frustration. Looking back on everything I can see how I went through a few different stages... Isolation to loneliness to depression to anger to resentment to hating myself to realizing how much I've changed and then to being disappointed with what i've let myself become. Just a few months ago, is when everything finally started to come back into focus. It's like God let me have my time, I walked as far away as I possibly could, but he pulled on my leash and yanked me back. I need a choke collar, for real. I can't keep doing this to myself. The funny thing is, I've read book after book, heard sermon after sermon, had conversation after conversation about how important God is in our life, how He never leaves you, how He'll always bring you back where you belong... I guess it's the humanness in all of us that lets us think we can get away with doing it all on our own. When I finally had the revelation that I'm not who I want to be, I can remember thinking that I could physically FEEL a change in me. I wasn't myself, and I didn't like it. I'm still not myself, but I'm dealing with it. There's not much *I* can do about it, anyway. Now, it's all about finding my way back. Everything is so obvious to me now. I'm praying more now, just to pray. I want to be a follower of my Lord. I want my life to be an example of how He can change the most wretched, twisted soul to be a beautiful, compassionate disciple.

Adding to that, I'm sick of religion. I don't want religion! I want grace. I want love. I want forgiveness. I want justice. I want honesty. I want sovereignty. I want my King to reign over my life. I WANT JESUS. I don't want the chains I've strapped to myself to be the deciding factor of the quality of my life or my testimony. I don't want judgment. I don't want gossip. I don't want treachery. I don't want lies. I don't want injustice. I don't want cruelty. I don't want to keep living like this. I NEED JESUS. I don't simply want him......  I. NEED. HIM. I don't want to be a Christian who judges and condemns and points fingers. I want to love my Jesus without feeling like I have to turn a deaf ear to the world around me. It may make me liberal-minded, but I want people who do or don't have the same belief system as I do to still have the same basic human rights...

i want real life. real love. real joy. i want something r e a l

i posted a quote by marilyn monroe in a few places online, including my xanga, and i've been getting swarms of messages from people saying that it's an interesting insight from someone who was obviously very broken.  in part, that was the point of posting it. 

for me, i agreed with it all. i do believe everything happens for a reason.  i think that things happen in the world so we don't get comfortable, so we're able to move on when we need to.  i hold on to the hope that if something falls through, there's a better plan behind it. there's also a line in the quote that says "you believe less so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself."  i agree, but not in whole.  i can't say that it's easy for me to trust, because it's not.  i tell a lot of people about the little things in life that happen, but there are very few people that i trust completely with the personal stuff.  even with the very few people that i've entrusted with the big stuff, i don't trust with everything. that's my personal preference.  some things are between me and God alone, and that's the way it always will be.  it isn't even that i don't think i could trust them. it's more of an issue of trusting myself, not wanting to cause any pain for myself.  i'm working on tearing down those walls, but i know it will take years.  i'm wounded, what can i say....

if i've learned anything in my life, it's that you don't take the people that you have for granted.  i've lost a lot of friends. some have moved, some of us just went our separate ways, and more than i wish have passed away before i felt like it was their time to go.  i wish i could have learned those lessons without having to deal with the losses, but through all of that i've learned the value of being me--just as i am, with no facade or masks to make me fit in.  i've learned to value the opinions of people that i love, and to dismiss the opinions of the ones who hate on me.  i can't change how people feel. i am what i am. i dont care if you like it or not. you might get under my skin, but there are lots of layers, and i've learned how to dig through it all, find the thorn, and pull it out.

in a roundabout way, that was my entire point.  sure, i'm searching for meaning and understanding.  i don't understand why things happen the way they do, but life has taught me that there's a reason.  i've never been able to explain it to myself in a way so clearly than what that quote did. that's all.

i think it's safe to say that it's been a while...

Things have been pretty uneventful. I've been working a lot, as usual, and trying to find the balancing point in all of the stuff I have to do. I've had 14 or 16 hour days for the last 3 weeks between doing stuff for class and working, so I haven't had a lot of me time. The semester is flying by though, which means spring is getting closer. I can't stand winter any longer; I don't care if it never snows again. lol I used to be such a winter person, but not anymore. Snow is nice and pretty and all, but the cold makes my knees hurt and I hate driving in ice. I'm definitely starting to prefer the warmer weather at my old age. Maybe I'm getting wise with my age. Hmmm.....

You all know how much i "love" my job at chickfila, using the word love very, VERY loosely. lol I seriously can't stand that place. I've never met people who enjoy starting drama more than some of the people I work with. They put a little drama out there in the pot, then they stir it and stir it until everyone is involved. I hate it. I'm not that kind of person at all, and I don't want to be mixed up in any more drama. That place is such a source of my unhappiness right now. I'm fine outside of work. I'm pretty great, actually. I don't have many conflicts in my life at all when I'm out of chickfila. I get so mad when I'm there sometimes, that I literally have to bite my tongue. I dont say anything or go off on people, because that's not the right thing to do, but I don't vent to other people I work with either because they turn around and tell the next person exactly what I told them not to tell. I've been looking for a way out of there for a while, praying for one, hoping God would send me one.... I found out about a Grad Assistant position with the First-Year Experience office. It would include work 15-20 hours a week, and that includes 10-15 hours of office hours, and then teaching 2 orientation classes in the fall and one in the spring. If I got the position, I would be working as a mentor to first year students at the university, helping them figure out the transition to college, and all that good stuff. The good thing is, it would give me some health insurance through student health, and I wouldn't have to pay a premium my last year in school. I was really worried about that, because when I get sick, i get SICK. So I would have insurance my last year, then I would be looking for a job with benefits anyways. It would also pay my tuition for my last year, and I would get paid twice a month, without taking much of a paycut. The only bad thing is, I wouldn't get paid for 5 weeks between christmas break and the new semester since the university is closed, but I could always look for a seasonal job at some kind of store or something just to bring in some cash over the holidays. I'm really hoping that I get that position. I loved being an RA, and this is really similar, just without the responsibilities, but I still get to work with the students really closely. I'm having my old boss from the hall I worked at write me a letter of recommendation, plus one of the women who developed this program knows me, and I was pretty close to the people in charge of our dorm when i lived there. So hopefully that will get my foot in the door a little. please, God.

what else is new? nothing. bye!